Revenge...Best Served On Your Mother's Blog

Today my mother made the second two HUGE mistakes. One She left her blog open with a nosy son, witch no one is scared to admit… Two, Last week she went to something that she knew better than to do without me, and she dropped me off with my no secret keeping dad. I will initiate something that is best served cold, or on blogs…. REVENGE!!!! Hey mom get a load of this…………..

 

That being said, here a small glimpse of what I put up with as “The Superior’s” son. 

Dear Diary

Today is a Wednesday and I was at school. The afternoon announcements came on and they called my name and said I was a car rider. I went up to the office and asked who was coming to pick me up. They said that it was my father. When he picked me up I asked why I was coming to his house on one of my mom’s days. He then told me that my mom had gone to a Luke Bryant concert without me. REALLY!!!! Why would anyone want to leave me?!?!?! The loving, young, nosey, comedic, most awesome person EVER!!!!!! THIS MEANS WAR!!!!!!!!!!

 

Dear Diary

Today I noticed that the superior always loves to rub my head gently and slowly. But I also noticed that she has two hands and has the nerve to only pet me with one hand!!!! She knows that if she really loved me that she would rub my head with both hands! I went to her and said to her “Really”? Why must you torture me like this? The knowledge of only having half the love is surely killing me. I will soon be dead…..

Dear Diary

I have been TOLD!!!!!!!! OMG!!! I know the superior is, well you know, superior. But I didn’t know that she was capable of this! In her own words she said this “Son you maybe taller than me but so help me I don’t care how old you are, how tall you are, I don’t even care if your 7’5, I’ll get up on a chair and kick your butt because I made you and I can destroy you just that easily”! Needless to say she stole my breath. Talking about shuting a guy up!  WOW!!!!

Dear Diary

I have lately noticed that the superior has taken a liking for me to standing at attention and saying hail Blondie in a deep firm voice in her presence. She doesn’t know this but I also like this because I am secretly planning for her to make me cookies by making her in a good mood. Which is not easy considering my mom use to be married to a trial lawyer. (AKA My Dad) We will see how this plays out and how and/or if this plays out good or bad.

 

Dear Diary

I have become constipated. After two days my superior took me to the even smarter, older, wiser superior and evil villain…the doctor. As we were in the waiting room, my mother was telling me that the doctor was going to have to look at my butt. I told myself that he surely wouldn’t but five minutes later the doctor was telling me that I was going to have to turn over and for my mom to look away. Suddenly I felt two hands spreading my butt cheeks and though my mom was turned around trying not to laugh, she was trying very poorly. Suddenly I heard a slight squeaky noise as I was trying to squench my cheeks but fortunately the doctor was old and was hard of hearing and right after my leakage, he released my butt cheeks. Trying hard to hold my tongue….my head was screaming at me to say to the doctor “How’s it smell back there now doc”?

Dear Diary

The other day, I was helping the superior clean the house. I walked by her phone and saw she got a text from a guy and was seeming to enjoy his time talking to her. I went to her and asked her who this man was, what his intentions were, and how old he was. She said he was nearly two years younger than herself.  It was clear that she wanted to make him her new boy toy by the look in her eyes. I suddenly started singing cougar life in the city. She laughed so hard she nearly peed herself. Eventually she tired of my spontaneous eruptions into song (maybe it was because it happened in grocery stores, around friends and eventually with him).  I later noticed that when the commercial for cougar life came on, the look in her eyes made me fear that she may soon remove my only source of inappropriate entertainment (other than the internet) in the house. Maybe I took this a little too far… Cougar life in the city, UH.

 

            OH NO...MY MOMS COMING GOT TO GO!!!!!!

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Public Indecency or Lucky Me...Take Your Pick

The night started out innocent enough.  It was a community event where local businesses set up tables showcasing their products and services.  As a board member for a local charitable organization, I was working one such table.  I was doing my civic duty creating community awareness for a cause I’m passionate about.  Most booths, including ours, were offering raffles and prizes as a way to attract people to their exhibits.  Local restaurants served samples of their culinary masterpieces (or not), a local liquor store was passing out healthy samples of varying wines (you know which was my favorite), retailers were exhibiting their products, and chiropractors and masseuses were set up giving out free massages…WAIT!!!  STOP RIGHT THERE!!!  Did someone say FREE massages?  SIGN ME UP!!!

After making my rounds to the various businesses, and making a couple return visits (more wine please), as well as signing up for all the free prizes, I made my way to a chiropractor’s table where a good looking doctor was doing posture exams.  Like the hussy I am, I let him run his hands all up and down my spine, hips and neck before making an appointment with him to do a better job of it next week.  Then I sashayed my butt over to where my eye had really been all night…the massage table in the corner of the room. 

There were three women in that corner section of the room demonstrating their services.  They had two chairs and one table.  If you’ve ever seen the massage chairs (which were facing out toward the rest of the room) then you’ll understand that in the dress I was wearing, that was NOT an option.  So I’m led to the table and begin to get on it when the masseuse, a 5’ nothing grey headed woman in her mid-60s asks me “front or back”.  I kinda looked at her confused and asked for clarification.  She replied, “It depends on if you want your neck and shoulders worked on or your back.”  Whew, oh, ok…back.  So in front of about 200 of my closest community members I put my face in the donut shaped head thing at the end of the table, my high-heel laden feet propped up on a pillow wedge type thing at the end of the bed. 

The woman stands at my head and begins very slowly pushing down my back.  Then she moves to one side and briskly rubs that side of my back, lower, lower, TOO LOW!!!  HOLY BAT BALLS!!!  Is she really rubbing my butt in front of the mayor, our city council and the entire community?  Why, yes she is, and she’s into it too.  What can I do at this point?  I thought about jumping to my feet, but that would draw even more attention, so I laid there.  Surely nobody would be watching.  Finally she moved up.  Whew, glad that was over I relaxed again, enjoying the massage.  BAM!!! Back to butt rubbing.  If she’d spent half the amount of time on my back as she did on my butt, I’d have been one limp noodle.  Since I lack much butt, I thought, “perhaps she’s just trying to fluff it…like a pillow."  What would have happened if I’d opted for the neck and shoulders option?  Would she have decided I had too much tension in my boobs?  That surely would have been a spectacle as I’m no small breasted woman!

When the massage was finally over and I got off the table, my smartass girlfriend says, “Wow!  You’re face is really red.  I’m not into women, but hell, I about got turned on just watching that.”  Yes, she’s an asshole.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, another lady, prominent in our community says, “I was tempted to ask if she wanted to spank you while she was at it!”  Ok, so people were definitely watching and having a lot of fun at my expense.  But one thing is for sure, my butt felt GOOD!!! 

I got several more comments in the next little bit, and when a male friend of mine showed up, I tried very hard to get him to get on the table.  I was curious to see if she was an equal opportunity butt rubber or if mine just looked like it needed special attention!  Not only would he not get on the table, but neither did anyone else after that.   So a few days go by and I run into one of our City Council members.  What’s the first thing that comes out of his mouth?  “Hey there.  How’s the butt feeling?”  If assholes could fly, this town would be an airport.



AMAZING UPDATES THAT CAN ONLY HAPPEN TO ME:  (October 5, 2012)


I went to the good looking Chiropractor's office yesterday for the evaluation that I scheduled at the community event.  We sat in his office as he went through my history with me.  A cute picture of he and his wife sat on his desk facing outward toward my chair (damn it).  He then escorted me to an exam room with an xray machine and various other equipment, as well as several different colors of hospital gowns.  He hands me a gown and asks me to remove everything but my panties and make sure the gown fastens in the back.  I started to make a smart ass comment like, "I'm sorry Doctor, but I'm not wearing any today" but he was married so I was behaving.  When he leaves the room, I strip down and sit down on the rolling stool, feeling very self conscience as I sat there exposed.  When he returns, he stops at the door, looks at me for a second, then says, "Wow, I knew green was your color.  Feel free to keep that gown, it looks fantastic!" 

Apparently this should be my new look

REALLY?  I'm sitting here half naked (I resisted throwing a little sexual innuendo in on ya), you're gonna tell me I look fantastic in the gown, AND be good looking.  Now I'm really at ease...or not.  Doctors should NOT be good looking.  They should be hideous trolls that you wouldn't mind cutting with your leg stubble if you don't feel like shaving before a visit. That being said.  He sits behind me and undoes the back of my gown.  He slowly begins feeling along my spine, beginning at my neck and ending at the base of my spine (better knows and my butt).  I felt like humming popey the sailor man or something just to ease my tension.  The only thing I can do is keep my arms pressed tightly to my sides in the hopes that I don't lose the gown from the rest of me.  Then  he poses me for various xrays and the exam is over.  Whewwww!

I survived the experience, and didn't make any smart ass comments.  I know, I'm kinda disappointment in myself for that too.  I bet he wouldn't have made the robe comment if I'd made the no panties one first.  I have another appointment Monday.  Maybe I'll redeem myself then.   

Back to the Fishing Hole...If Only There Weren't So Many Damn Minnows!

If you've read my about me section, read many of my blogs or know me personally you probably already know that I suck at relationships.  I just don't think they are for me, yet I seem to find myself in them on a semi-regular basis knowing all to well they are destined to fail and why.  Yet I'm a single woman in the middle of my sexual peak that likes to have a regular partner and not just pass myself around like Halloween candy to anyone that knocks on my door. 

Sex is another story...I'm GREAT at sex.  How do I know this, you ask?  I've been divorced for over 8 years so I've had PLENTY of sex...with myself.  Doesn't that qualify me as an expert on the matter?

All joking aside, in my 8+ years as a divorcee, I have never had a problem getting a date, I have had problems finding a man I wanted to date more than once.  I find that things that men love about me and draw them to me in the beginning are the very things they want to change or suppress about me in the end.  Unfortunately, I'm getting old and already set in my ways so if something's going to change, it's gonna be my partner, not myself.  What you see is what you get and if you don't like it, kiss my ass on your way out the door.

Another thing I've come to realize in today's technologically savvy world is that single men could really use some classes in social skills and etiquette.  With all the technological advances, often getting to know a man happens via social media, online dating sites or even just over text messaging.  I find that men will say things from the safety of their electronic devices that they wouldn't dare to say if they were in a traditional setting (church, restaurant, grocery store, Walmart, etc.) 



Yeah, Walmart is where I'm hoping to find my future ex-husband...or not.

Thanks People of Walmart for ruining my hopes of finding my future ex-husband in our neighborhood Walmart. Also, thank you for making me cringe at the thought of sitting down on any public seating ANYWHERE!  "Hi there....let me guess...you're in the plumbing profession and you wanna lay your snake in my drain.  Let me think about that....um...no."

I'm a pretty social person with a pretty active social life, but live in an area where there aren't many single men of quality to choose from, and then how do you meet them?  So I too have a profile set up on a couple of dating sites: POF and DH. They provide much more entertainment than potential suitors, but I've got time and I get bored easily.  If you read my blog, Online Dating then you already know what I'm talking about...if not, you might want to take a look at it by clicking the link.

Men get brazen and bold when they are faceless and letting their fingers do the talking!  Sex has become a quick topic in dating sites and when sex can be arranged so easily with random strangers, it makes developing emotional connections much harder.  I mean, you got an itch, scratch it...if someone quits scratching it right, move on to the next.  You don't even have to get out of your PJs or leave your house to set up a booty call. 

When entertaining one of these innuendo riddled conversations the other day, it got to a point where I very clearly told the gentleman despite his smooth talking he wasn't getting me separated from my panties.  His reply had me starring at my phone dumbfounded for a second..."well how's your mouth feeling?"  Really?  Did he just go there?  How do I respond to that?  "Sorry honey, my dentist told me to keep small objects away from my teeth." 

Among too many funny ones to mention, I recently got a message from a man whose profile clearly stated that he was currently in prison.  Are you kidding me?  (Read from bottom up)

Its good to know that our tax dollars go to help find our inmates potential life mates they can go to upon their release.  I loved the "I would like to see more of you than I see here" statement.  Well, duh!  If the only action he's had in the past couple of years has been in the prison showers and laundry room closets, I bet he's itching to see a lot more of me, or any woman for that matter, to get him through those long hours of gang rape and butt plugging.  "Just close your eyes and think or me and pretend you're not on the receiving end sweetheart.  It will be over in 3-5 years."  Yeah, that just doesn't do it for me.

Another one that made me chuckle was this one:

In case you haven't realized why this one made me laugh, 867-5309 was the number from Tommy Tutone's song in the 80s where he gets the girls number from the bathroom wall where it says call for a good time.  It was a classic song from my youth, and the number has been given to many men over the years...most of whom understood it's meaning and didn't ask me for an area code. 

Maybe that last one was a little mean.  He did come back and send me a very nice email apologizing for the "let's hook up" introduction but I think the damage is already done.  Needless to say, I'm still single and haven't hooked me a keeper yet, but I'm gonna keep fishing.  I'll see what I can stir up and have a few laughs along the way.  And hell, maybe I'll be able to pass a few laughs around at mine, or their expense.  In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to stock up on plenty of batteries.

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Urinals...They're Not Just For Men Anymore!

I made a horrible mistake today.  A mistake from which I will probably be mentally scarred for life.  I google'd "bizarre picture".  I know you're probably tempted to do it right now....DON'T DO IT!!!!  I saw things that no person should EVER see.  However, among the very disgusting and the super painful looking I found something repetitious that sparked my interest.  Interesting urinals.  Bunches of them.  I mean, every thought of peeing on a nun?  Me either, but now you can...and you can even pic your color!

And since everyone knows that when a man holds his penis in his hand to pee, he's wishing there was a pretty set of lips around.  Well, wish no more little guy.  This one's for you!

 

Or what about those drunken nights at the bar when those ten steps to the bathroom are just too long?  Well, that's been thought of too!

I don't think I'll be ordering anything off tap at this place!  Yeah, I'd like a draft beer with a wiz chaser please...um...no.

And because bathrooms are usually small, smelly places that can leave one feeling restricted and cooped up, why not give a man what he really wants?  Perhaps a view...

 

 

Really?  I picture this last one at some biker bar off the interstate somewhere or maybe at a low class strip club, but the other ones are quite elegant.   I mean, just because I have to squat to pee, should I be deprived such luxurious accommodations?  Should I be denied the entertainment that the men blessed to have drained in these accommodations undoubtedly experienced?  Must I be forever trapped to an indoor toilet?  As I struggled with these questions, asking "Why Lord?"  I came across what must truly be the most amazing invention of the 21st century...

That's right ladies!!  Now, we too can pee standing up.  Woot, Woot!  For the amazingly low price of $12.99 your plastic penis can be shipped discreetly to your door!  Just go to http://www.go-girl.com/who-needs-gogirl.asp and order yours.  Imagine the freedom.  Never will you be stuck sitting on the germy toilet seat of a public bathroom.  Now you can miss the toilet, piss on the floor and not feel guilty because you too can pee standing up.  Lavender not manly enough for your new penis?  Have no fear...camouflage is here!

So ladies...next time you see an interesting or elegant urinal and find yourself wishing you could pee in it...now you know you can.  You're welcome.

Porn Patio and The Jerk Room

I know you guys are wondering if I'd fallen off the map, died, been kidnapped and subjected to unspeakable sexual acts as surely that's what it would take to keep me from blogging for such a long period of time and such tragedy it would take to keep me away from all of the blogs that I love and follow, but rest assured, I am alive and safe (but say nothing about the unspeakable sexual acts...yet).  In my last post I mentioned that I was entering into a new business venture.  It was not something that I had really planned to do, especially not at this time, but getting laid off from my job presented a "now or never" type of opportunity.  I am now a beef jerky making fool.  I've been trying to think of a catch phrase, and kinda like "Nobody Jerks Your Meat Like Me!"  Too much?  Yeah, I might get asked regular how much it would take for them to find out, and since I'm not a prostitute (though I'm not hating on the ones who get paid for what the rest of us give away for free), I better keep thinking.  In entering this new venture, I've transformed a room in my home to make production more streamlined.

As boring as this may seem and as upsetting to my home environment and financial stability as this has proved, life and living have happened and given me a few things I felt obligated to share with you.  First, I must give a little photographic background.

 

This is my back patio and part of the yard.

This is Woody, guardian of the patio.

Many of the best and craziest times come from this space.  Oh if Woody could talk!  (I'd probably be arrested, or be hounded by porn producers wanting me to star in their next movies, etc.)  You guys probably remember how recently photographic proof of my exploits ended up in the hands of the local police, and now the whole police department knows what I look like wearing nothing but a beer and a thong, but that's a whole other story. 

 

I decided to quit giving into my fear of relationships and how bad I suck at them and decided to get real with Man-Friend.

You remember Mr. Happy Pants Morning Person.

About a week ago, we had some friends over and were sitting around the patio round table, discussing all sorts of topics.  I'm not sure how the topic of reincarnation came up, but Mr. Happy Pants looks at us all dead seriously and says, "When I die, I hope I'm reincarnated as Blondie's patio!"  I about spit my drink out my nose, which would have been really bad cause I had a pretty high octane drink and would probably have scarred my sinuses for life.  Fortunately my sinuses were spared.  This got me thinking about all the things that Woody could testify to if he could talk.

 

Despite my own propensity to get naked and freaky on the patio, I am not the only one who gets some action in the back yard.  I mean lets take Woody for example.  Woody's got back, and by back I mean he's got several butt shaped formations on the back side of the tree.

 

 

Whatever your personal butt preference, he's got it.  Big butt, little butt, wide butt, he's got them all.  Enter alcohol and horny men here.

 

Since there is a lot of alcohol drank around the round table, Woody gets a lot of action.  But Woody's not the only one who was getting action on the porn patio this past week.  I have a whole new view on the term "doggie style".

 

I know, you're thinking "No she did not just go there!", but yes I did.

For a week, every time I turned around these two were going at it.  I did not know doggie style could be done in so many different positions!  Needless to say, I'm gonna be having puppies soon.  Well, I'm not, but the other yard slut will be.  Then add all the damn bugs getting laid.

 

 

I mean, it's like EVERYTHING around me is getting freaky!  A little side note about these horny pests, did you know that they remain coupled for three days before dying.  Well, mother fudgesnapper!  If I was fucking for three days straight, I'd probably die too!

 

Speaking of getting freaky, it doesn't only happen on the back patio.  In keeping up with my crazy last week, I went to a couple of the local pubs selling beef jerky (and drinking copious amounts of alcohol).  It was kinda late on a weeknight when we walked into the second pub and the place was a little dead.  We spotted a couple friends at the bar, sat down and began chatting.  Somehow we got on the topic of feet.  I know some people hate feet or are turned off by them, but there are nerve endings in the feet that go to EVERY part of your body.  Men, if you wanna turn a woman on, get good at rubbing her feet, and find out where the nerve endings are in HER feet that provide vaginal stimulation.  I assure you it's there.  That's when it happened, the local pub became host to it's first foot orgy.

 

 

What?  This doesn't happen at your local pub?

 

Freak flags aside, I'm sorry I've been MIA and I promise I will soon be in a rhythm and back to writing regular and visiting all your blogs again.  I truly miss all the laughs your blogs provide me.  Please be patient with me as I get this new business going, and manage to live a life worth sharing with you.

Emotions and Man Card

This has been a particularly emotional month for me.  I have laughed, I have cried, I have been so excited I did the jitterbug in my panties on the back patio (don't laugh, you do it too!)  I have felt such a wide array of emotions that I realized last night...I am alive.  Not only am I alive, but I am truly living and I love my life.  It might be crazy, it might not be approved of by all, but it's mine and I'm living it to the fullest dispite the obsticles and road blocks that are thrown in my way. 

A few really cool things have taken place this month.  First, and I can't believe I missed the date to celebrate it, is that this blog is now a year old.  On the 5th of August, 2011, I published my first post on my brand new website under the pseudnym of Blondie McBaffled (I know you're shocked to find out that isn't my real name but it will be ok).

Cel..e.brate Good Times, Come On!  Yeah, now you got
that stuck in your head, don't ya?  You're welcome

Another cool thing that happened this month, and I mean REALLY flipping cool, is us ladies got a little peek inside the man cave at Dude Write.  Myself and 21 other fabulous female bloggers were invited to submit and compete for coveted Ladies and Dudette Man Cards.  There were some fabulous submissions.  Some made me laugh, some made me think, some made me cry. In reading my competitions entries, I didn't think there was a chance in hell I'd even make the top five.  So Tuesday night I come home to an empty house after a dinner date, and because I can, I strip down to my skivvies, pour myself a glass of wine and take it to the patio to enjoy my half naked freedom and find out who the winners of the challenge were.   

First place, my girl Mod Mom for her post Mother Goosed where she dresses up and makes questionable once boring and mundane Nursery Rhymes.  She's an awesomely funny, rocking blogger chick.  Sweet!  You go girl.  Second place "Coming in second place is Blondie McBaffled for her post, "Online Dating... Or Not" in which she offers us a glimpse into her exploits in online dating."

WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?  HOLY FUCKING MONKEY BALLS ON A STICK!!  DID I JUST READ THAT RIGHT? (I hit refresh just to make sure it was still there...it was).  And that's when it happened:  wearing nothing but my panties, I jumped to my feet and started doing the jitterbug on the back patio.  If anyone had been peeking through the bushes, they'd have seen me practically naked flailing around my patio hooting an hollering like a crazy mental patient doing my best old school dance moves like the funky chicken.  I did mention the wine, right?

After about 10 minutes, I calmed down enough to make a few very excited calls, post my awesomeness to Facebook (because nothing is official until it's facebook official...blog coming), and then I returned to Dude Write to find out who the other winners where.  Third place Lily for her delightfully disgusting tales of drunkenness.  Her drunken conversation with her lesbian friend whom she accused of molesting her with her mind and trying to mind rape her, has had me mentally molesting people all week.  If you aren't following this woman, you are missing a true gem of hilarity. 

Fourth place was Lady Estrogen for her brilliant Dr. Suess style poem about butt sex, or how she'd possibly do it to him and might even like it, but there was no way he was getting in hers..."Hohum, Hohum, Not in My Bum".  I was not a follower of LE before this past week, but I definitely am now.  That was HYSTERICAL! 

Fifth Place was Angie for her post, Keep Your Romance Out of My Bedroom.  Angie's post let the guys of Dude Write know that while there's a time for romance, the bedroom isn't it.  Do the romancing prior to the bedroom.

There were also some chairman's choice awards, and if I had been one of the chairmen I would have awarded it as Youngman Brown did to the fabulous Elsie for her blog about the Christmas she had to tell her children that daddy had been in a donorcycle accident and wouldn't be coming home.  Youngman stated, "Not only was it a well-told story, but it was a well-told story about one of the saddest things imaginable -- telling your kids that their father has died. The children's response was almost as heartbreaking as the way she compared it to Bambi's mother for them."  Here, here!  I couldn't have said it better myself.  I cried to the point of wiping snot reading this...at work.  It was truly a courageous post.

Thank you to all the fabulous men of Dude Write for allowing us ladies the opportunity to visit the man cave last week. 

On a different note and equally emotional...yesterday was my first day being self employed.  I'm embarking on a new journey and spent yesterday and today gutting a room in my house to prepare it for my new business venture.  I'm excited, scared, unsure, apprehensive, and several other emotions all wrapped up into one already crazy person.  This is a whole blog in itself which I will save for another post, but keep me in your prayers as a begin this new adventure.  I will fill you in soon.

The Quarterback's Bitch...A Sports Commentary (Reposted in honor of the upcoming season)

I absolutely love spending time with intelligent people who are good conversationalists. Last night, I was blessed to be around two such fabulous individuals. I was at a good friends house visiting, when one of his friends came over. We were having great conversation on a lot of different topics, so I'm really not sure how this topic came up, but I knew as soon as the question was asked, that I'd be writing about it today.

Both these men are really big guys, well over six feet tall. The subject of football came up and my good friend asks my new friend, "Man, if you had a son, would you want him being a center?" I must admit, I wasn't sure which position he was talking about when my new friend answered, "Hell, no!" Then they proceeded to talk about how the center is bent over every play while the quarterback reaches his hands between the center's legs. The only thing separating the quarterback's hands from the center's nuts being the cup he wears. I am saying this very tamely, as it was a very animated discussion with my good friend making demonstrative gestures to further his point. I then piped in and said, "If I ever decide to play football and the quarterback is good looking, that's the position I'd want to play!" That's when it hit me...the center is the quarterback's bitch!

 

We were rolling laughing at this crude thought, when my new friend suddenly got serious and says, "You know, man...I've NEVER even thought about that, but you're right. I'd want my son being a head hunter, not having some man behind him rubbing his balls every play!" As you can well imagine, especially those of you who know me personally---I was blinking back tears, I was laughing so hard!

This discussion went on for a while, and then went to even greater depths and I had to ask my new friend, who is a black man in his late 20s, if it would be worse if the quarterback was white. At first, he denied it (with overted eyes), saying that it wouldn't matter, but when my good friend called him on it, he reluctantly agreed that if his strapping son had some weasley little white quarterback bent over him, sticking his hands between his legs..."Hell, yea, that would be worse!"

The funny twist to this story is that the center calls plays and is often the brains of the operation...further proof that the center is the quarterback's bitch! Us bitches usually do have the brains!

DISCLAIMER: I understand that the center is a vital and important position that requires skill and intelligence. I also understand that I am probably offending at least one player on every football team. However, rather than getting your panties in a wrinkle, wear your new bitch title with pride and say, "Thank you for noticing!" (Then ask for a HUGE raise or to switch positions.) Personally, I envy the centers and am thinking of trying out for the San Diego Chargers if it would mean that I'd get to have Phillip Rivers between my legs!



What a yummy piece of man meat!
English: Philip Rivers on the sideline of the 2008 Chargers-Chiefs game at Arrowhead Stadium. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Yes, I Am An Asshole!

Over the past few weeks I have had the priviledge of my blog being recognized through awards from some fabulous fellow bloggers.  Despite these talented writers taking the time to present these awards and bestowing such an honor to me, I have been a lazy asshole and have not taken the time to adequately thank them nor recognize other bloggers that are even more deserving of such recognition than I.  Yes, I'm saddened to admit it, but I am and asshole (see texts below for undeniable proof). 

The award I deserve.

A few weeks ago the very talented Kelly of Dysfunctionally Functional presented to me the much coveted Kreativ Blogger Award. 

Kelly is a blogger who shares her life experiences with the blogosphere most often humorously, sometimes seriously but always honestly and I love that about her blog.  If you haven't read it, check it out!

A couple weeks ago I was given the Sunshine Blogger award by Roe of My Upside Down Life. 

Roe is a woman with a tremendous heart and compasionate soul in a tough situation and she blogs openly about it.  While I worry about her often, I feel that her honesty in sharing her own life situation has the capacity to help other women know they are not alone and helps her to deal with the hand life has dealt her.

In the past two weeks, the amazingly creative and super funny british mother of the one day in the not so distant future world dominator (also known to her readers as "Spawn"), Lily of The Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose has graciously bestowed upon me two super cool awards.  The first, the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award.

The second, and probably my favorite titled one, The llamalicious blogger award.

I mean, how can this one not just make you smile?

Yesterday I discovered that Mod Mom from Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom awarded me this stylish cutie.

I would like to thank all you awesomely creative individuals for reading my crazy posts and supporting me through the infancy stage of my blog.  Your kind words, support and acknowledgments are what truly make me enjoy writing and the blogosphere in general.  I look forward to and enjoy reading your blogs and the interactions we share.  I could go on to say that it's nice to know there are others out there that are as big of assholes with equally or surpasing satirically witty personalities than I, making me feel a little less 10/10 on the insanity scale...but I'm trying to be genuinly nice here so I'll refrain and offer my most sincere thank you.

Now with each of these awards there are several instructions and tasks that are given the recipient, but I'm not good with following instructions so in keeping with the spirit of the awards, I will tell something about myself and recognize some very talented people.

Something about me:

I have been divorced for over 7 years (from my second husband), and after much self examination I have come to realize that I suck at relationships.  I am a very independent and strong-willed woman and tend to feel stiffled and repressed in a committed relationship when my partner puts too many demands on my time and emotional resources.  I guess another recognition I'm very deserving of is the title, "Queen of 3-6 Month Relationships".  When they start getting complicated, I tend to get gone.  Maybe its a self defense mechanism, maybe I'm just not relationship material, or maybe I just haven't found Mr. Right yet.  Only time will tell on that one. 

That having been said, I don't think I've met a man that I've honestly and seriously considered spending my life with in a long time.  Last night was a perfect example of what I'm dealing with.  I had a dinner date with a man I've been friends with for many years and while sitting in the restaurant waiting on our food, I get a text alert.  I look at my phone and am instantly tickled.  It's a text from a good looking man that I'd met a a week or so ago and had considered going out with.  As a girl can never be to careful, I checked him out (aka stalked his Facebook page) and saw that his relationship status was "in a relationship".  There was also a picture of him and a girl as well as a comment from him on his page a couple weeks ago saying "I love my baby" or something to that effect.  Oh hell no.  I'm not about to get in the middle of anyone else's relationship, yada, yada, and told him so.  So back to my dinner date and the restaurant.  I get a text message that was completely out of left field so my date and I had a little fun with it.  These are actual pictures from my phone.

My date, being the good sport that he is, was going to finish dinner then call him, and in his sexiest voice ask, "What are you wearing?"  But texter caught on before it got to that.  Needless to say, the "cowboy from hell" hasn't texted me back.  I don't think he's talking to me today for some reason.  Yes, I am an asshole.

After my dinner date last night, a girlfriend and I went to a comedy show.  We had a lot of laughs and at the conclusion sat and talked with the comedians.  One of them looks at me and asks, "Why are you still single?"  I looked right back at him and replied, "Because I'm a bitch."  Just keeping it real.

Speaking of comedians, most of the bloggers I truely enjoy, are just that.  They are talented, witty and funny...or are just complete smartasses, which makes them funny to me.  They all deserve every award mentioned in this blog (even the asshole one).  In no particular order of favoritism, these are the top talented bloggers who bring a smile to my face on a regular basis.

Lily at The Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose.  I know better than to be eating or drinking anything when I open her blog, because whatever I'm eating or drinking will be out my nose (or stuck in my sinuses) and on the computer before I'm done reading one of her posts. 

Kevin at Who Woulda Thought? is also a treasure.  He's a dad of three little "minions" with a "trophy" wife and a household of male flatulence.  He has a great sense of humor and a nack for writing what we all think but few woud actually say.

Dan at Shameless Promotions is truly shameless.  Whether it's his drawings, his tales of epic battles between the members of the blogosphere, or an inspired post, he always has me from beginning to end, and there's usually at least a moment when I think "no he didn't", but yes he did.

Brandon & Bryan (aka The Beer Boys) at A Beer For The Shower.  These guys are an awesome resource for practical information on very important topics such as how best to enjoy a beer at the end of a long day, while in the shower, without getting water in it.  However, they don't just give practical advise, they are gifted writers and humorous individuals. 

Chiz at Chiz Chat.  I sometimes picture Chiz much like a male version of myself with a brain that doesn't answer to him.  The shit that he thinks of and writes about is both amusing and amazing to me at times.  He recently wrote a post about wishing he had the superpower to animate inanimate objects that made all his readers glad our computers didn't have emotions, but left us all busting out laughing.

The Six Fingered Monkey.  Another fabulously twisted individual who recently enlightened me on the inner workings of the adolescent male mind and taught me to hide my expensive lubricants lotions with his post She Smelled Like...Masterbation. 

Rach from RachRiot,  This woman has a way telling the hard truth of a story in a way that leaves you picturing the event from a humorous standpoint.  Her last post about a subburbia toy party she refers to as a dildo-hoedown is a prime example sure to leave you giggling.

I could go on and on and on but as much as I'm getting tired of typing, I'm sure you're getting tired of reading so I'll just link a few more that are sure to put a much needed smile on your face when you visit them.

Kelly @ Dysfunctionally Functional
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom
Crack You Whip
My Upside Down Life