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Thursday, August 9, 2012

Yes, I Am An Asshole!

Over the past few weeks I have had the priviledge of my blog being recognized through awards from some fabulous fellow bloggers.  Despite these talented writers taking the time to present these awards and bestowing such an honor to me, I have been a lazy asshole and have not taken the time to adequately thank them nor recognize other bloggers that are even more deserving of such recognition than I.  Yes, I'm saddened to admit it, but I am and asshole (see texts below for undeniable proof). 
The award I deserve.

A few weeks ago the very talented Kelly of Dysfunctionally Functional presented to me the much coveted Kreativ Blogger Award


Kelly is a blogger who shares her life experiences with the blogosphere most often humorously, sometimes seriously but always honestly and I love that about her blog.  If you haven't read it, check it out!

A couple weeks ago I was given the Sunshine Blogger award by Roe of My Upside Down Life


Roe is a woman with a tremendous heart and compasionate soul in a tough situation and she blogs openly about it.  While I worry about her often, I feel that her honesty in sharing her own life situation has the capacity to help other women know they are not alone and helps her to deal with the hand life has dealt her.

In the past two weeks, the amazingly creative and super funny british mother of the one day in the not so distant future world dominator (also known to her readers as "Spawn"), Lily of The Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose has graciously bestowed upon me two super cool awards.  The first, the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award.


The second, and probably my favorite titled one, The llamalicious blogger award.


I mean, how can this one not just make you smile?

Yesterday I discovered that Mod Mom from Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom awarded me this stylish cutie.


I would like to thank all you awesomely creative individuals for reading my crazy posts and supporting me through the infancy stage of my blog.  Your kind words, support and acknowledgments are what truly make me enjoy writing and the blogosphere in general.  I look forward to and enjoy reading your blogs and the interactions we share.  I could go on to say that it's nice to know there are others out there that are as big of assholes with equally or surpasing satirically witty personalities than I, making me feel a little less 10/10 on the insanity scale...but I'm trying to be genuinly nice here so I'll refrain and offer my most sincere thank you.

Now with each of these awards there are several instructions and tasks that are given the recipient, but I'm not good with following instructions so in keeping with the spirit of the awards, I will tell something about myself and recognize some very talented people.

Something about me:

I have been divorced for over 7 years (from my second husband), and after much self examination I have come to realize that I suck at relationships.  I am a very independent and strong-willed woman and tend to feel stiffled and repressed in a committed relationship when my partner puts too many demands on my time and emotional resources.  I guess another recognition I'm very deserving of is the title, "Queen of 3-6 Month Relationships".  When they start getting complicated, I tend to get gone.  Maybe its a self defense mechanism, maybe I'm just not relationship material, or maybe I just haven't found Mr. Right yet.  Only time will tell on that one. 

That having been said, I don't think I've met a man that I've honestly and seriously considered spending my life with in a long time.  Last night was a perfect example of what I'm dealing with.  I had a dinner date with a man I've been friends with for many years and while sitting in the restaurant waiting on our food, I get a text alert.  I look at my phone and am instantly tickled.  It's a text from a good looking man that I'd met a a week or so ago and had considered going out with.  As a girl can never be to careful, I checked him out (aka stalked his Facebook page) and saw that his relationship status was "in a relationship".  There was also a picture of him and a girl as well as a comment from him on his page a couple weeks ago saying "I love my baby" or something to that effect.  Oh hell no.  I'm not about to get in the middle of anyone else's relationship, yada, yada, and told him so.  So back to my dinner date and the restaurant.  I get a text message that was completely out of left field so my date and I had a little fun with it.  These are actual pictures from my phone.



My date, being the good sport that he is, was going to finish dinner then call him, and in his sexiest voice ask, "What are you wearing?"  But texter caught on before it got to that.  Needless to say, the "cowboy from hell" hasn't texted me back.  I don't think he's talking to me today for some reason.  Yes, I am an asshole.

After my dinner date last night, a girlfriend and I went to a comedy show.  We had a lot of laughs and at the conclusion sat and talked with the comedians.  One of them looks at me and asks, "Why are you still single?"  I looked right back at him and replied, "Because I'm a bitch."  Just keeping it real.

Speaking of comedians, most of the bloggers I truely enjoy, are just that.  They are talented, witty and funny...or are just complete smartasses, which makes them funny to me.  They all deserve every award mentioned in this blog (even the asshole one).  In no particular order of favoritism, these are the top talented bloggers who bring a smile to my face on a regular basis.

Lily at The Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose.  I know better than to be eating or drinking anything when I open her blog, because whatever I'm eating or drinking will be out my nose (or stuck in my sinuses) and on the computer before I'm done reading one of her posts. 

Kevin at Who Woulda Thought? is also a treasure.  He's a dad of three little "minions" with a "trophy" wife and a household of male flatulence.  He has a great sense of humor and a nack for writing what we all think but few woud actually say.

Dan at Shameless Promotions is truly shameless.  Whether it's his drawings, his tales of epic battles between the members of the blogosphere, or an inspired post, he always has me from beginning to end, and there's usually at least a moment when I think "no he didn't", but yes he did.

Brandon & Bryan (aka The Beer Boys) at A Beer For The Shower.  These guys are an awesome resource for practical information on very important topics such as how best to enjoy a beer at the end of a long day, while in the shower, without getting water in it.  However, they don't just give practical advise, they are gifted writers and humorous individuals. 

Chiz at Chiz Chat.  I sometimes picture Chiz much like a male version of myself with a brain that doesn't answer to him.  The shit that he thinks of and writes about is both amusing and amazing to me at times.  He recently wrote a post about wishing he had the superpower to animate inanimate objects that made all his readers glad our computers didn't have emotions, but left us all busting out laughing.

The Six Fingered Monkey.  Another fabulously twisted individual who recently enlightened me on the inner workings of the adolescent male mind and taught me to hide my expensive lubricants lotions with his post She Smelled Like...Masterbation

Rach from RachRiot,  This woman has a way telling the hard truth of a story in a way that leaves you picturing the event from a humorous standpoint.  Her last post about a subburbia toy party she refers to as a dildo-hoedown is a prime example sure to leave you giggling.

I could go on and on and on but as much as I'm getting tired of typing, I'm sure you're getting tired of reading so I'll just link a few more that are sure to put a much needed smile on your face when you visit them.

Kelly @ Dysfunctionally Functional
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom
Crack You Whip
My Upside Down Life






31 comments:

  1. This is pretty much the conclusion I have come to about myself and why I suck at picking men, I am a bitch through and through, worse than that is I actually enjoy it. Loved the cowboy conversation!

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    1. I would say my man picker is broken, but that would imply that it once worked in the first place...nope. As for the cowboy conversation, I loved it to, I don't know what he got his panties all in a wrinkle about.

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  2. I despise it when I turn into a mega bitch with guys....sometimes they just don't deserve it...

    That texting screen shot is priceless, I would have been the same way and don't the same thingmou did!

    So, does this mean I get the Asshole Award too? Thanks for the props!

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    1. Absolutely, though you may want to switch out the pic (though my avatar is kinda cute so I'd understand if you'd rather leave it, though the trophy might not). j/k

      On a serious note, you're welcome.

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    2. Oh it's going up in the accolade section just like that!

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    3. Then I guess you leave me no choice but to post it on my wall as well!

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  3. Congratulations on all your awards.

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  4. Perfect! An asshole award! I must be doing something right! lol I'm glad to see someone recognize SHAMEFULPROMOTIONS for what it is! It's so shameless it's shameful!

    I am honored, truly! Normally, I don't do awards but for this one, I'll make an exception.

    Btw...have you seen what I do to awards when I get them? Check it out.. http://www.shamefulpromotions.com/2012/07/award.html

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    1. Lmfao...that was awesome. I'd say go easy on me in light of me not imposing a bunch of rules, but then what fun would that be!

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    2. I got an award for you...right back at you! lol come and claim it!

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  5. Congrats to you on all of your awards. And let me tell you, you are not the only asshole, I have a few of them hanging in my draft folder for so long I am kind of embarrassed to post them. But I need to, because I am not a rude bitch. It's just that my brain has been hanging out up my ass lately, and, well that is my excuse in the nutshell.

    Anyway, thank you for passing it on, you rock and made my day!

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    1. Thank you Roe. Glad I could lighten your day a little! Have a great weekend.

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  6. Congratulations on getting more awards! You totally rock every one!

    Thanks for the shout-out, also. I am really, really bad with men. I'm starting to think it is me, but really I know it is them.

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    1. Thanks and you're welcome. Oh, and it's definitely them. They can't handle our awesomeness!

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  7. YES! I made the list! And I am an asshole fo sho- but I'm usually referred to as a bitch. Which I take as a compliment, as you do. I'm really a fantastic combo of asshole *and* bitch. Just call me BASSHOLE. Or should we go with ASSITCH?? Both good...

    Thanks, honey! *smoochies*

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    1. Basshole is pretty awesome but assitch is epic. Maybe that should be the next award. The assitch award. Has a nice ring to it.

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    2. You know what they say...he who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers.

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  8. Yay! Now I have an official badge that proves that I am an asshole. I am tempted to print it out and wear it around Boston. Maybe then I will not be harrassed by hobos and direction-seekers.

    I will display the badge proudly... should I ever get around to writing a post soon. Thanks, Blondie!

    Also, priceless response to the Horny Cowboy from Hell!

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    1. I should probably mass produce them as badges and pass them around to all the assholes I know! You're welcome for the shout out and badge of assholeism.

      As for the Horney Cowboy...I thought it was funny. I still don't know what he got so pissed off about...I mean, my date was willing to help the guy out even if I wasn't. I thought that was mighty nice of him. The least horney cowboy could have done is say thanks!

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  9. Gracias Chica. I'm an asshole too. I need to deal with my recent awards soon...

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    1. Yeah, as much as I like the decor and acknowledgement, I'm with Workingdan about the rules sucking ass. Makes it a dreaded "work". So fuck the rules, I did it my way.

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  10. I'm confused... I didn't know Hell needed cowboys... do they have horses down there??

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    1. Hmmm...maybe they're demon horses...and better still, maybe one of them will have phone sex with him! Is a pretty retarded signature for a grown ass man in his 30s

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  11. Congrats on the awards!!! Llamlicious? Exactly how I would have described your page!!! lol

    Men are such jerks!! Like, why would have phone sex with a cowboy from hell that obviously isn't good enough to get any for 9 WHOLE months? Psh..as if!! hahahaha Love how you played that one out!

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    1. Thank you! Jax, I was perfectly willing to help the man out...just not personally and I had a more than willing volunteer. Some people have no sense of humor!

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  12. What the bloody hell?! Either I've stumbled into a parallel universe, or the crack that my pimp just sold me, has been mixed with another hallucinogen, because I'm seeing a page load of Blondie McBaffleds before my very eyes!

    Laughed out loud at the thought of your date asking 'deluded cowboy' what he was wearing, in a sexy voice. Sounds like my kind of guy. And as a self confessed 'bitch-ass,' I LOVE that award.

    Blondie McBaffled, you are such a badass!! ♥

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    1. The page full of blondies was boredom at it's best, but I decided to try it out for a while. It wasn't just the crack your pimp sold you, but maybe that mine sold me!

      Had cowboy not caught on and gotten pissed, we would have had a really good time with him. You see how pissed he got about the idea...I wonder how he'd have reacted when my date called him. You guys might have gotten an audio recording as well. That would have been funny shit!

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  13. Holy shit - there's a llama award?! LOL. If you're an asshole Blondie, then you're OUR asshole! Congrats on all your awards and I think we need to create a "Rat's Ass Award" since you kicked that rat's ass. Still amazed you were able to do that!

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    1. Thank you! That's why I had to add the rat stomping on my page, as well as the giant roach.

      As for the asshole, I'll be that and wear the title with pride!

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