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Thursday, August 16, 2012

Online Dating...Or Not

The all boys club we women all envy love and stalk follow each week (while peeking through the dusty shades for a glimpse of what they are REALLY doing in the man cave) has taken down their "No Girls Allowed" sign this week and are finally allowing some lucky ladies to get a glimps. The awesomely talented Dude Write men each get to invite two female bloggers to the Dude Write Dance. (Pick me! Pick Me!!) Since I offered to show up for the dance wearing little more than my tassles (there will be a stripper pole at this dance, won't there?), the super funny, mega talented Workingdan over at Shameful Promotions is sponsoring me for this weeks sneak peak into the man cave.
The dance is actually a contest between some very talented and super funny women bloggers this week. If you haven't been following the contests each week, you should start. There are some very talented penis people in that cave, though this week us ladies are there to dust off the shades, sew up the torn bean bag chairs, and throw away the beer cans and pizza boxes (so that's why we've been invited into the man cave). Come on over to Dude Write, read this weeks submissions, then Sunday through Tuesday go back and vote for your favorite three (when I say three, I mean your favorite two and me).

That being said, I absolutely love online dating sites.  It might sound crazy, but I really do.  Not because I think I'm gonna find my soulmate, fall in love, get married and live happily fucking ever after, but because they give me soooo many candidates to poke fun at.  Just the other day, I got an email from a good looking guy in Hilton Head.  Now Hilton Head is a couple hours drive from here so geographically inconvenient to say the least...but whatever.  He met my "you must be this tall to ride this ride" rule, or at least it said so on his profile.  I'm not completey naive and will admit he could still have been a circus midget or some mom's basement dweller using a fake picture, but for the sake of this blog he met the height requirment and had enough eye candy appeal to warrant a response from me.

So the conversation starts off like this:


Now I'm a pretty smart cookie and his greeting alone gave me a pretty good indication that this guy was what I refer to as a bootie caller, but I was bored and he was easy on the eyes, so what the heck.  Over the next couple hours we sent each other several messages with the standard dating interrogation questions (are you married, do you have a stalker crazy ex, etc.)  Then we get to talking about our kids and the conversation takes an unexpected turn.


So here I am about 2 hours into chatting with this guy and we're discussing my reproductive organs.  What the hell...I got nothing better to do.  I mean, why do something productive like work when you can talk about yor reproductive abilities with a decent looking stranger?  And that's where it gets good.



I was of course laughing my ass off as I wrote this and I believe I snorted from laughter at his response.  I mean really, what's a little latex between two strangers?  If I was gonna give it away like holiday candy why not get a little gonorihia icing on top of it!  He went on to ask me if I was also "alergic to latex" and for some reason didn't like my "No I'm not allergic to latex, and I'm not real quick to play in the rain without a raincoat without getting to know the storm real well" response.  The conversation ended with him saying, "see this is why people start talking about sex first.  Easy to find a woman with similar interests, not so easy to find one you're sexually compatible with."  That was code for a woman who fucks complete strangers on the first date without protection and doesn't worry about the high likelihood he's got crotch rot and may be losing his penis any day now. 

Another thing I love about online dating are the men with fragile egos.  On my profile I state a couple things that are absolute deal breakers for me.  You all know the first one:


It also states a few other things cause I'm a ticky, picky bitch.


That said and publically displayed for all to see, I cannot believe how many men I get messages from that simply do not meet the qualifications.  I try to be polite but sometimes it's not easy.  The biggest complaint that I hear from men is the disrespect of not even being given a not interested response, so I usually do.  As I was working on this blog, I had such an event happen.

I got the following messages from a 5'5" man.  Hello!!!  He'd need a step-ladder to kiss me. It would be really hard to blame him for talking to my boobs.  My eyes are up here dude...if you strain your neck back real far, you might be able to see them.  Ok, maybe that's a bit exagerative, but really!


Ok, maybe that was hitting below the belt a little, but you've got to admit it's a little funny...or maybe I'm just a bigger bitch than you.  I think I hurt the little guys feelings cause he's still sending me rude messages which have gone unresponded.  He's obviously got little man's syndrom and it was not my intention to make it worse when I first responded, but do you think it would be to rude for me to ask him how the weather is down there?

IMPORTANT UPDATE ON HILTON HEAD DOUCHBAG:


Would I really be that much of an asshole?

Oh yes I would!
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75 comments:

  1. These are too funny Blondie! You really need to keep these posts going, being married since I was 22 I never had the fun experience of being on a dating site...in fact AOL waste big thing back then.

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    1. I remember the whole "You've got mail" era. Yes, these days you can beef up or knock down an ego without ever leaving the comfort of your home!

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    2. Let me know if you got my response to your email. Never sure about those things.

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    3. Yuppers I did, it worked!

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  2. Wow, there's nothing like conversing about the inner workings of my vag, to set the mood for some 'good lurving'.
    The fact that he's not too bothered that you've just gotten over a 'dose of aids' or syphilis previously, makes him sound like the perfect marriage material to me. :D

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    1. That was my thought exactly. You and your gigantic mammaries can be my bridesmaids!

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  3. This probably make me sound totally banana sandwich, but this just made me miss my match.com days.

    Please keep sharing these gems.

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    1. Dating sites crack me up. A long time ago I might of thought I might have found Mr. Right on them, but in the years I've been single, I've accepted they are only good for Mr. Right Now...and a lot of entertaining conversations.

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  4. I should sign up for one of these online dating sites! Even though I'm married, it could make for some quality entertainment!

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    1. Ha! Great minds think alike!

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    2. I think you guys should totally do it. Enlist the help of your wives. The posts you could do would be freaking hilarious!

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    3. I just might! My wife has a bunch of spam in her inbox for those dating sites....maybe she will do a guest post of messing with the creeps!

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    4. That would be hilarious. She could even do it from the angle of a cheating wife afraid her husband might find out, yada, yada, yada...I see fun in this.

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  5. Haha... hilarious! I'm so out of it these days that it didn't occur to me to follow your link from my page - it was only when Dan tweeted this post just now that I came over. Brilliantly funny... I would totally ask him about the weather down there! ;-)

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    1. Little guy, while you're down there can you tell me if there's any lint in my belly button? I thought I was quite refrained for the circus act he thought I should be!

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  6. When it comes to finding love online, the odds are good, but the goods are odd. Good luck in your love odyssey.

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    1. Very, very odd. I may start doing a weekly love life chronicle, outlining my dating adventures and disasters.

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  7. This made me laugh so hard my balls fell off and rolled under the washing machine...but that's ok...after reading this, I've decided that online dating is probably way too scary for a sensitive fellow like me so I probably won't be needing my balls for a little while anyway...
    Thanks for making me laugh though... :D

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    1. lmao. Thanks for the mental picture of the runaway balls. Don't worry about them. As long as you still have the pole you can at least play in the hole (was that too much?)

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    2. LMAO...the thing is, I used the pole to try and retrieve my balls from beneath the washing machine so it is now covered in bits of dusty cobweb and mouldy popcorn... got one of my balls back though, so that's a bonus... I think a squirrel may have run off with the other one... :D

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    3. You're not gonna be getting laid with a dusty, cobwebby pole. Might wanna dust it off. I busted up laughing at the mental picture of a squirrel running off with your nut. I then pictured it on an overhead limb barking tauntingly at you as it nibbled away . Yeah, I'm twisted.

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  8. Blondie, unfortunately, in their heads (big and small) these guys are having "dates" with a hottie without meeting you. They are really good at one-handed typing.

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    1. So what your saying is that I've been cyber-fucked more times than a french whore without even getting off? Figures.

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  9. One of the highlights of my day, while surfing the online dating ocean, was looking at the grammatical errors and horrid profiles that messaged me. I too am tall (5'10 WITHOUT heels) and would get short guys though I stated I had to date taller. Even 6 foot is a little too short for me. Anyway...I get it totally. When I was using it seriously I would get to annoyed then I realized next to nobody was using it seriously and just had fun with it. Oh the comedy that provided. haha. Great post.

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    1. Oh, these guys are using it seriously, as in seriously trying to get laid. And what's up with the horrible profiles. I read a profile that says "im wannin a good woman who cooks like mama and likes to have lots of sex. I tryda be real good in bed" (no shit, I read it yesterday) I instantly wanna introduce him to mama and start making baby rednecks...or not

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  10. Omg, I think I just peed from laughing so hard!!!!! I think that dude was afraid of even the word "Condomn". Omg!!!! lol Why would he think that a girl would just want to sleep with him without using any form of protection? What about him getting an STD? Ew ew ew ew.

    As far as the short guy, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm 5'0 and I only date 6'0 and up. Maybe it's a making up for where I'm lacking thing? My ex was 6'4 and my current b/f is 6'2. Yum!!

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    1. Yeah, the douchbag was allergic to even the thought of latex and the little guy had a serious complex, but what fun would I have gotten out of them had they not (aside from maybe getting laid by the hottie WITH a condom in the FUTURE) lol

      As for the height thing...I think its primal going back to the caveman days. I don't want someone I can throw on my hip and carry around like a youngin, I want a man who could toss me over his shoulder or drag me back to the bedroom caveman style...not the other way around.

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  11. I am WAY too slow. All the chick bloggers that I love have been scooped up by my fellow Dude Writers. Story of my life. I feel like I'm in high school again.

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    1. Leave it to you penis people to know a dance is coming up for a week and then start looking for a date AFTER it's started. I thought I was gonna have to put on my best hooker threads and do some blog whoring for an invite! Dan saved me though. :-P

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  12. Loved this post! I am online dating and periodically pull my profile down from time to time to get a respite. I try not to make fun of people too much, but I can't help it 'cause I'm a sarcastic ass. I take it as a huge red flag when someone goes straight to sex talk. I'm no prude, but sex talk is for someone you are about to, or are currently having, sex with. I loved the second defensive guy. I would write things like, "I looked at your profile, and we don't seem compatible. Good luck on the site!" in response to a message and get back, "You're fat and ugly anyways." Wow. Just wow.

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    1. Oh some of the messages I get. The defensive guy, after the comment I showed sent me a couple more messages which I politely ignored despite wanting to really have a little fun at his expense, saying "Oh no. You said that. Oh my, now my life is over! What am I to do?" and about an hour later "Your height preference would knock you from a 5 1/2 to a 1". I'm crushed, I don't think my ego will ever recover...or not.

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  13. Welcome to Dude Write. Letting women in our clubhouse is turning into quite an education for me. I've been married for nearly forty years and I don't fit your height requirement, but a guy can dream, can't he. I'm your newest member and I'm looking forward to more of your great writing. I enjoy your razor-sharp wit and hope you'll visit me sometime at Chubby Chatterbox.

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    1. Glad to have you and thank you. Glad we can give you a look into the minds of us woman as we've been peeking into yours in the past several weeks at Dude Write. I've been following it since week one. I'm on my way to visit you now!

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  14. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want! Too many people don't have any place to start. I think I meet the minimum height requirement at 5'10" but I'm at least 10 years older than what has to be 22? haha (probably get a lot of those guys too.) Of course, I am temporarily married and all... Fun post!

    WG

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    1. Lets just say I'm fastly running out of fingers to count the anniversaries of my 29th birthday and leave it at that! As for the requirements, you were fitting in quite nicely, so hit me up when the temporary wears out!

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  15. Dang Blondie - it's a jungle out there! You gotta love an inquiring mind who makes no bone about hurling the occasional ovulation query your way. You need to make this a regular feature - it's hilarious!

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    1. I'm trying to figure out how I can just limit it to a once a week thing with the amount of material I'm gathering. I mean, I could write novels already. Maybe a weekly feature called Date Night or Fishing Fridays, yada, yada. Any ideas or suggestions would be great!

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  16. Haha! Love the update! I really hope the douchebag sees this!

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    1. For some reason he's quit messaging me since I sent the link. Go figure! Lmao

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  17. YES I love the idea of a regular feature of your online dating mis-adventures!! Jesus, and I thought my sister had good stories. Little Napoleon sure did get his Underoos in a bunch.

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    1. I'm seriously considering a weekly feature. Should be very informative and educational...or not. Who am I kidding? It would be entertaining though.

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  18. My hopes have risen, Blondie!!! I sure hope there are prizes like these two gems when my daughter goes out into the dating world. I love that you gave that guy your blog, wonder if he'll visit? He may lurk....LMAO!!!

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    1. I figured him being the star and all, I owed it to him to give him the link...ok, maybe it was just that workingdan and I thought it would be funny. Either way, he doesn't seem to be wanting to talk sex with me anymore. Go figure!

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    2. LMAO - I should have known Dan was behind this!!!!

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  20. I can't believe how nice you were. Anyway, I thought I read somewhere on here you were all one with happily ever after. Did you change your mind? That guy was disgusting. You don't have to pull it out son, cuz it ain't ever goin in. wtf?

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    1. Are you saying you don't think he was marriage material? I kid.

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  21. oh gah...I think you just confirmed it for me...if I EVER (no, Hubs...not going anywhere...) had to be in the single arena again, I really don't think I'd want to navigate the world of online dating......I don't know... I can' t speak from here in my state of matrimony, but ... no - it just doesn't appeal. Dude - take your probing questions on to someone else's girl playground, will you? Yikes. Really? (scoff)

    Very entertaining (and informative) post!

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    1. Yeah, i wonder if douchbag is quietly stalking this page. Maybe he'll learn a little desency.

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  22. You know, I need a tall woman. I HATE having to bend down when I want to motorboat a bitch!

    With that said, are you up for some sexy sexual sex? Because I hear that is the best kind of sex...

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  23. So funny! I've been thinking about doing online dating, but haven't quite had the courage to do it, yet. But if this is what I can expect...I'm totally in!! ;)

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    1. Oh it's totally worth every moment spent for entertainment value!

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  24. Wow, I don't think anyone has ever asked me if I know when I ovulate. That is one great thing about dating online - you can get to the important topics (like douchebag-ness) quickly and walk/run away without having invested too much time.

    Annoying how guys will ignore things like height requirements. I had trouble making dudes believe I was allergic to kids.

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    1. lmao at the allergic to kids comment. I should add that to my profile as well. But it's not the under 18 ones I'm allergic to...its the over 30 ones that make me itch.

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  25. Oh, online dating. I don't miss it at all. There are crazies on the other side of the fence, too. Like the girl who introduced herself by telling me she had herpes and needed a man strong enough to deal with it rather than a little boy who was too cowardly to deal with a problem. And I told her well I guess that makes me a little boy but this little boy doesn't have herpes, so fuck you and your plague infested nether regions. She didn't much care for that.

    Also, does ANY guy think he's going to get anywhere with a woman when he starts off with something pathetic like "I write to 20 women and only 1 writes back"? Yeah, that'll sure make 'em crawl to you.

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    1. Funny how a little fuck you and your plague infested neither regions can send someone off. I thought it was a very well stated response myself. As for the midget man, I was instantly sooo turned on by his obvious self confidence...or not.

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  26. I'm 5'10" without heels, so I'm with you on the height thing. Like you, I've tried to get past it, and I know some fantastic guys who are shorter than me, but we just stay friends. Bending down to kiss a guy is just too...

    Yeah. I met my love online, but not through a dating site, just blogging - we weren't even expecting it!

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    1. I would LOVE to meet a competely insane, single, decent looking humor blogger. Oh the stories we could write!

      Yuck on the bending down to kiss a guy. Sorta conjures up my maternal instinct making it feel pretty wrong to get passionate with it, if that makes any sense. I've had numerous conversations with my self about it trying to convince self that that's rediculous, yet self is standing true to that feeling and refuses to allow me to get over it.

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  27. Haha this was awesome, way to be!

    My only question: what was your alarm set for in the middle of the afternoon?

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    1. Ty. As for the alarm question: I often forget to set an alarm (aka get drunk and stumble to bed prior to setting one) so I have devised an ingenious way to insure I get up for work. It's called a repeat alarm and automatically goes off every morning without me having to set it. Thank you Phone Gods!

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  28. That's my husband!!!!!!

    I kid. This was hilarious.

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    1. That would have been hilarious had it actually been your husband. For me of course...not for you. A nosey wife could very easily have stumbled upon the site after our conversation. That conversation could have been even better than that with the Douchbag!

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  29. Too funny. Dickhead A and Short Stop are the people that keep online dating in business. As charming as a mop I would imagine. Did the douche from "empty head" pop by do you think?

    A raincoat is a no brainer, it should not even need to be mentioned until you are about to and you are allergic to latex, and in which case you should bring your own latex free supplies. This isn't the 60s. Good grief

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    1. While I have no way of knowing if he ever did stop by, I do know that he hasn't responded to me since. I'm leaning toward yes, or at least I like to think he did.

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  30. Hi Blondie, glad you made it to Dude Write.

    Gee, I'm only 5'8, but I try to white like I'm at least 5'9. If I wasn't already married, I still wouldn't make the cut.

    I'm another one whose glad to be already married. I fear I'd get chewed up and spit out in the online dating world.

    Very funny post. Well done. :)

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    1. Thanks Ken! I had a great time this week.

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  31. Want to say thank you to everyone who voted for me this week. I still can't believe I even placed. I really enjoyed reading all your posts this week and am glad to have found those of your blogs I wasn't already following.

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  32. I was married for years. After I got separated I got tons of dates from women I follow on Twitter. Many of them asked ME out. Niiiiiiice!

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  33. My aids cleared up...
    OMG. That was entertaining. I need to save some of my sextin' one of these day. Ahem.

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  34. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Online Dating and Relating shows you valuable information on all stages of online dating and different ways to find and use interest groups and messaging. All of the basic areas of online communicating are covered. Topics incluce a no-nonsense discussion of the resources available for dating and communicating online, simple explanations of the terminology of dating and relationships on the Internet, general dating advice about moving into the real world after life online, safety advice when exploring online relationships, and real life stories of online socializers. Additional bonuses about Sex Dejting

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