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Monday, October 14, 2013

Revenge...Best Served On Your Mother's Blog


Today my mother made the second two HUGE mistakes. One She left her blog open with a nosy son, witch no one is scared to admit… Two, Last week she went to something that she knew better than to do without me, and she dropped me off with my no secret keeping dad. I will initiate something that is best served cold, or on blogs…. REVENGE!!!! Hey mom get a load of this…………..

 


That being said, here a small glimpse of what I put up with as “The Superior’s” son. 

Dear Diary

Today is a Wednesday and I was at school. The afternoon announcements came on and they called my name and said I was a car rider. I went up to the office and asked who was coming to pick me up. They said that it was my father. When he picked me up I asked why I was coming to his house on one of my mom’s days. He then told me that my mom had gone to a Luke Bryant concert without me. REALLY!!!! Why would anyone want to leave me?!?!?! The loving, young, nosey, comedic, most awesome person EVER!!!!!! THIS MEANS WAR!!!!!!!!!!

 

Dear Diary

Today I noticed that the superior always loves to rub my head gently and slowly. But I also noticed that she has two hands and has the nerve to only pet me with one hand!!!! She knows that if she really loved me that she would rub my head with both hands! I went to her and said to her “Really”? Why must you torture me like this? The knowledge of only having half the love is surely killing me. I will soon be dead…..

Dear Diary

I have been TOLD!!!!!!!! OMG!!! I know the superior is, well you know, superior. But I didn’t know that she was capable of this! In her own words she said this “Son you maybe taller than me but so help me I don’t care how old you are, how tall you are, I don’t even care if your 7’5, I’ll get up on a chair and kick your butt because I made you and I can destroy you just that easily”! Needless to say she stole my breath. Talking about shuting a guy up!  WOW!!!!


Dear Diary

I have lately noticed that the superior has taken a liking for me to standing at attention and saying hail Blondie in a deep firm voice in her presence. She doesn’t know this but I also like this because I am secretly planning for her to make me cookies by making her in a good mood. Which is not easy considering my mom use to be married to a trial lawyer. (AKA My Dad) We will see how this plays out and how and/or if this plays out good or bad.

 


Dear Diary

I have become constipated. After two days my superior took me to the even smarter, older, wiser superior and evil villain…the doctor. As we were in the waiting room, my mother was telling me that the doctor was going to have to look at my butt. I told myself that he surely wouldn’t but five minutes later the doctor was telling me that I was going to have to turn over and for my mom to look away. Suddenly I felt two hands spreading my butt cheeks and though my mom was turned around trying not to laugh, she was trying very poorly. Suddenly I heard a slight squeaky noise as I was trying to squench my cheeks but fortunately the doctor was old and was hard of hearing and right after my leakage, he released my butt cheeks. Trying hard to hold my tongue….my head was screaming at me to say to the doctor “How’s it smell back there now doc”?

Dear Diary

The other day, I was helping the superior clean the house. I walked by her phone and saw she got a text from a guy and was seeming to enjoy his time talking to her. I went to her and asked her who this man was, what his intentions were, and how old he was. She said he was nearly two years younger than herself.  It was clear that she wanted to make him her new boy toy by the look in her eyes. I suddenly started singing cougar life in the city. She laughed so hard she nearly peed herself. Eventually she tired of my spontaneous eruptions into song (maybe it was because it happened in grocery stores, around friends and eventually with him).  I later noticed that when the commercial for cougar life came on, the look in her eyes made me fear that she may soon remove my only source of inappropriate entertainment (other than the internet) in the house. Maybe I took this a little too far… Cougar life in the city, UH.
 
            OH NO...MY MOMS COMING GOT TO GO!!!!!!


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Thursday, October 3, 2013

Public Indecency or Lucky Me...Take Your Pick



The night started out innocent enough.  It was a community event where local businesses set up tables showcasing their products and services.  As a board member for a local charitable organization, I was working one such table.  I was doing my civic duty creating community awareness for a cause I’m passionate about.  Most booths, including ours, were offering raffles and prizes as a way to attract people to their exhibits.  Local restaurants served samples of their culinary masterpieces (or not), a local liquor store was passing out healthy samples of varying wines (you know which was my favorite), retailers were exhibiting their products, and chiropractors and masseuses were set up giving out free massages…WAIT!!!  STOP RIGHT THERE!!!  Did someone say FREE massages?  SIGN ME UP!!!
After making my rounds to the various businesses, and making a couple return visits (more wine please), as well as signing up for all the free prizes, I made my way to a chiropractor’s table where a good looking doctor was doing posture exams.  Like the hussy I am, I let him run his hands all up and down my spine, hips and neck before making an appointment with him to do a better job of it next week.  Then I sashayed my butt over to where my eye had really been all night…the massage table in the corner of the room. 
There were three women in that corner section of the room demonstrating their services.  They had two chairs and one table.  If you’ve ever seen the massage chairs (which were facing out toward the rest of the room) then you’ll understand that in the dress I was wearing, that was NOT an option.  So I’m led to the table and begin to get on it when the masseuse, a 5’ nothing grey headed woman in her mid-60s asks me “front or back”.  I kinda looked at her confused and asked for clarification.  She replied, “It depends on if you want your neck and shoulders worked on or your back.”  Whew, oh, ok…back.  So in front of about 200 of my closest community members I put my face in the donut shaped head thing at the end of the table, my high-heel laden feet propped up on a pillow wedge type thing at the end of the bed. 
The woman stands at my head and begins very slowly pushing down my back.  Then she moves to one side and briskly rubs that side of my back, lower, lower, TOO LOW!!!  HOLY BAT BALLS!!!  Is she really rubbing my butt in front of the mayor, our city council and the entire community?  Why, yes she is, and she’s into it too.  What can I do at this point?  I thought about jumping to my feet, but that would draw even more attention, so I laid there.  Surely nobody would be watching.  Finally she moved up.  Whew, glad that was over I relaxed again, enjoying the massage.  BAM!!! Back to butt rubbing.  If she’d spent half the amount of time on my back as she did on my butt, I’d have been one limp noodle.  Since I lack much butt, I thought, “perhaps she’s just trying to fluff it…like a pillow."  What would have happened if I’d opted for the neck and shoulders option?  Would she have decided I had too much tension in my boobs?  That surely would have been a spectacle as I’m no small breasted woman!
When the massage was finally over and I got off the table, my smartass girlfriend says, “Wow!  You’re face is really red.  I’m not into women, but hell, I about got turned on just watching that.”  Yes, she’s an asshole.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, another lady, prominent in our community says, “I was tempted to ask if she wanted to spank you while she was at it!”  Ok, so people were definitely watching and having a lot of fun at my expense.  But one thing is for sure, my butt felt GOOD!!! 
I got several more comments in the next little bit, and when a male friend of mine showed up, I tried very hard to get him to get on the table.  I was curious to see if she was an equal opportunity butt rubber or if mine just looked like it needed special attention!  Not only would he not get on the table, but neither did anyone else after that.   So a few days go by and I run into one of our City Council members.  What’s the first thing that comes out of his mouth?  “Hey there.  How’s the butt feeling?”  If assholes could fly, this town would be an airport.



AMAZING UPDATES THAT CAN ONLY HAPPEN TO ME:  (October 5, 2012)


I went to the good looking Chiropractor's office yesterday for the evaluation that I scheduled at the community event.  We sat in his office as he went through my history with me.  A cute picture of he and his wife sat on his desk facing outward toward my chair (damn it).  He then escorted me to an exam room with an xray machine and various other equipment, as well as several different colors of hospital gowns.  He hands me a gown and asks me to remove everything but my panties and make sure the gown fastens in the back.  I started to make a smart ass comment like, "I'm sorry Doctor, but I'm not wearing any today" but he was married so I was behaving.  When he leaves the room, I strip down and sit down on the rolling stool, feeling very self conscience as I sat there exposed.  When he returns, he stops at the door, looks at me for a second, then says, "Wow, I knew green was your color.  Feel free to keep that gown, it looks fantastic!" 

Apparently this should be my new look

REALLY?  I'm sitting here half naked (I resisted throwing a little sexual innuendo in on ya), you're gonna tell me I look fantastic in the gown, AND be good looking.  Now I'm really at ease...or not.  Doctors should NOT be good looking.  They should be hideous trolls that you wouldn't mind cutting with your leg stubble if you don't feel like shaving before a visit. That being said.  He sits behind me and undoes the back of my gown.  He slowly begins feeling along my spine, beginning at my neck and ending at the base of my spine (better knows and my butt).  I felt like humming popey the sailor man or something just to ease my tension.  The only thing I can do is keep my arms pressed tightly to my sides in the hopes that I don't lose the gown from the rest of me.  Then  he poses me for various xrays and the exam is over.  Whewwww!

I survived the experience, and didn't make any smart ass comments.  I know, I'm kinda disappointment in myself for that too.  I bet he wouldn't have made the robe comment if I'd made the no panties one first.  I have another appointment Monday.  Maybe I'll redeem myself then.   

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Back to the Fishing Hole...If Only There Weren't So Many Damn Minnows!

If you've read my about me section, read many of my blogs or know me personally you probably already know that I suck at relationships.  I just don't think they are for me, yet I seem to find myself in them on a semi-regular basis knowing all to well they are destined to fail and why.  Yet I'm a single woman in the middle of my sexual peak that likes to have a regular partner and not just pass myself around like Halloween candy to anyone that knocks on my door. 

Sex is another story...I'm GREAT at sex.  How do I know this, you ask?  I've been divorced for over 8 years so I've had PLENTY of sex...with myself.  Doesn't that qualify me as an expert on the matter?

All joking aside, in my 8+ years as a divorcee, I have never had a problem getting a date, I have had problems finding a man I wanted to date more than once.  I find that things that men love about me and draw them to me in the beginning are the very things they want to change or suppress about me in the end.  Unfortunately, I'm getting old and already set in my ways so if something's going to change, it's gonna be my partner, not myself.  What you see is what you get and if you don't like it, kiss my ass on your way out the door.

Another thing I've come to realize in today's technologically savvy world is that single men could really use some classes in social skills and etiquette.  With all the technological advances, often getting to know a man happens via social media, online dating sites or even just over text messaging.  I find that men will say things from the safety of their electronic devices that they wouldn't dare to say if they were in a traditional setting (church, restaurant, grocery storeWalmart, etc.) 



Yeah, Walmart is where I'm hoping to find my future ex-husband...or not.
Thanks People of Walmart for ruining my hopes of finding my future ex-husband in our neighborhood Walmart. Also, thank you for making me cringe at the thought of sitting down on any public seating ANYWHERE!  "Hi there....let me guess...you're in the plumbing profession and you wanna lay your snake in my drain.  Let me think about that....um...no."
I'm a pretty social person with a pretty active social life, but live in an area where there aren't many single men of quality to choose from, and then how do you meet them?  So I too have a profile set up on a couple of dating sites: POF and DH. They provide much more entertainment than potential suitors, but I've got time and I get bored easily.  If you read my blog, Online Dating then you already know what I'm talking about...if not, you might want to take a look at it by clicking the link.

Men get brazen and bold when they are faceless and letting their fingers do the talking!  Sex has become a quick topic in dating sites and when sex can be arranged so easily with random strangers, it makes developing emotional connections much harder.  I mean, you got an itch, scratch it...if someone quits scratching it right, move on to the next.  You don't even have to get out of your PJs or leave your house to set up a booty call. 

When entertaining one of these innuendo riddled conversations the other day, it got to a point where I very clearly told the gentleman despite his smooth talking he wasn't getting me separated from my panties.  His reply had me starring at my phone dumbfounded for a second..."well how's your mouth feeling?"  Really?  Did he just go there?  How do I respond to that?  "Sorry honey, my dentist told me to keep small objects away from my teeth." 

Among too many funny ones to mention, I recently got a message from a man whose profile clearly stated that he was currently in prison.  Are you kidding me?  (Read from bottom up)


Its good to know that our tax dollars go to help find our inmates potential life mates they can go to upon their release.  I loved the "I would like to see more of you than I see here" statement.  Well, duh!  If the only action he's had in the past couple of years has been in the prison showers and laundry room closets, I bet he's itching to see a lot more of me, or any woman for that matter, to get him through those long hours of gang rape and butt plugging.  "Just close your eyes and think or me and pretend you're not on the receiving end sweetheart.  It will be over in 3-5 years."  Yeah, that just doesn't do it for me.

Another one that made me chuckle was this one:


In case you haven't realized why this one made me laugh, 867-5309 was the number from Tommy Tutone's song in the 80s where he gets the girls number from the bathroom wall where it says call for a good time.  It was a classic song from my youth, and the number has been given to many men over the years...most of whom understood it's meaning and didn't ask me for an area code. 

Maybe that last one was a little mean.  He did come back and send me a very nice email apologizing for the "let's hook up" introduction but I think the damage is already done.  Needless to say, I'm still single and haven't hooked me a keeper yet, but I'm gonna keep fishing.  I'll see what I can stir up and have a few laughs along the way.  And hell, maybe I'll be able to pass a few laughs around at mine, or their expense.  In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to stock up on plenty of batteries.
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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Urinals...They're Not Just For Men Anymore!

I made a horrible mistake today.  A mistake from which I will probably be mentally scarred for life.  I google'd "bizarre picture".  I know you're probably tempted to do it right now....DON'T DO IT!!!!  I saw things that no person should EVER see.  However, among the very disgusting and the super painful looking I found something repetitious that sparked my interest.  Interesting urinals.  Bunches of them.  I mean, every thought of peeing on a nun?  Me either, but now you can...and you can even pic your color!


And since everyone knows that when a man holds his penis in his hand to pee, he's wishing there was a pretty set of lips around.  Well, wish no more little guy.  This one's for you!
 


Or what about those drunken nights at the bar when those ten steps to the bathroom are just too long?  Well, that's been thought of too!


I don't think I'll be ordering anything off tap at this place!  Yeah, I'd like a draft beer with a wiz chaser please...um...no.

And because bathrooms are usually small, smelly places that can leave one feeling restricted and cooped up, why not give a man what he really wants?  Perhaps a view...



 
 

Really?  I picture this last one at some biker bar off the interstate somewhere or maybe at a low class strip club, but the other ones are quite elegant.   I mean, just because I have to squat to pee, should I be deprived such luxurious accommodations?  Should I be denied the entertainment that the men blessed to have drained in these accommodations undoubtedly experienced?  Must I be forever trapped to an indoor toilet?  As I struggled with these questions, asking "Why Lord?"  I came across what must truly be the most amazing invention of the 21st century...


That's right ladies!!  Now, we too can pee standing up.  Woot, Woot!  For the amazingly low price of $12.99 your plastic penis can be shipped discreetly to your door!  Just go to http://www.go-girl.com/who-needs-gogirl.asp and order yours.  Imagine the freedom.  Never will you be stuck sitting on the germy toilet seat of a public bathroom.  Now you can miss the toilet, piss on the floor and not feel guilty because you too can pee standing up.  Lavender not manly enough for your new penis?  Have no fear...camouflage is here!

So ladies...next time you see an interesting or elegant urinal and find yourself wishing you could pee in it...now you know you can.  You're welcome.