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Monday, October 14, 2013

Revenge...Best Served On Your Mother's Blog


Today my mother made the second two HUGE mistakes. One She left her blog open with a nosy son, witch no one is scared to admit… Two, Last week she went to something that she knew better than to do without me, and she dropped me off with my no secret keeping dad. I will initiate something that is best served cold, or on blogs…. REVENGE!!!! Hey mom get a load of this…………..

 


That being said, here a small glimpse of what I put up with as “The Superior’s” son. 

Dear Diary

Today is a Wednesday and I was at school. The afternoon announcements came on and they called my name and said I was a car rider. I went up to the office and asked who was coming to pick me up. They said that it was my father. When he picked me up I asked why I was coming to his house on one of my mom’s days. He then told me that my mom had gone to a Luke Bryant concert without me. REALLY!!!! Why would anyone want to leave me?!?!?! The loving, young, nosey, comedic, most awesome person EVER!!!!!! THIS MEANS WAR!!!!!!!!!!

 

Dear Diary

Today I noticed that the superior always loves to rub my head gently and slowly. But I also noticed that she has two hands and has the nerve to only pet me with one hand!!!! She knows that if she really loved me that she would rub my head with both hands! I went to her and said to her “Really”? Why must you torture me like this? The knowledge of only having half the love is surely killing me. I will soon be dead…..

Dear Diary

I have been TOLD!!!!!!!! OMG!!! I know the superior is, well you know, superior. But I didn’t know that she was capable of this! In her own words she said this “Son you maybe taller than me but so help me I don’t care how old you are, how tall you are, I don’t even care if your 7’5, I’ll get up on a chair and kick your butt because I made you and I can destroy you just that easily”! Needless to say she stole my breath. Talking about shuting a guy up!  WOW!!!!


Dear Diary

I have lately noticed that the superior has taken a liking for me to standing at attention and saying hail Blondie in a deep firm voice in her presence. She doesn’t know this but I also like this because I am secretly planning for her to make me cookies by making her in a good mood. Which is not easy considering my mom use to be married to a trial lawyer. (AKA My Dad) We will see how this plays out and how and/or if this plays out good or bad.

 


Dear Diary

I have become constipated. After two days my superior took me to the even smarter, older, wiser superior and evil villain…the doctor. As we were in the waiting room, my mother was telling me that the doctor was going to have to look at my butt. I told myself that he surely wouldn’t but five minutes later the doctor was telling me that I was going to have to turn over and for my mom to look away. Suddenly I felt two hands spreading my butt cheeks and though my mom was turned around trying not to laugh, she was trying very poorly. Suddenly I heard a slight squeaky noise as I was trying to squench my cheeks but fortunately the doctor was old and was hard of hearing and right after my leakage, he released my butt cheeks. Trying hard to hold my tongue….my head was screaming at me to say to the doctor “How’s it smell back there now doc”?

Dear Diary

The other day, I was helping the superior clean the house. I walked by her phone and saw she got a text from a guy and was seeming to enjoy his time talking to her. I went to her and asked her who this man was, what his intentions were, and how old he was. She said he was nearly two years younger than herself.  It was clear that she wanted to make him her new boy toy by the look in her eyes. I suddenly started singing cougar life in the city. She laughed so hard she nearly peed herself. Eventually she tired of my spontaneous eruptions into song (maybe it was because it happened in grocery stores, around friends and eventually with him).  I later noticed that when the commercial for cougar life came on, the look in her eyes made me fear that she may soon remove my only source of inappropriate entertainment (other than the internet) in the house. Maybe I took this a little too far… Cougar life in the city, UH.
 
            OH NO...MY MOMS COMING GOT TO GO!!!!!!


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15 comments:

  1. Surely "The Superior" wouldn't be trying to refrain from laughing at you're expense?! To think, the doctor standing there helplessly whilst you shart during an anal exam, the HORROR INDEED!!! lol

    It is a beautiful city, with cougar life in it... :)

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    1. Hush my prey. Of course I was laughing at his expense, but as a world's greatest mother recipient I was trying very hard to refrain from laughing. That is until as we get to the counter he whispers in my ear, "Mom, I almost farted!" Then it was all done. I could contain it no more.

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  2. Being the son of "the superior", does that mean that we should refer to you as "the inferior"?

    Either way, you really need to make a Blog filled with stories about farting in the faces of doctors. The world needs to know.

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    1. I like it. I think you've just nicknamed the evil spawn of my uterus for my blogging purposes. But alas, stop the encouragement. I hear all the farting, pooping stories I can handle...in addition to all the farting and pooping I can handle, simply being his "Superior".

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  3. Awesome Marshall! Every exceptional Superior needs a Biographer and your Mom just loves you telling your homelife stories to lots of people! Why did you leave out the bra incident?

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    1. You get called an asshole a LOT, don't you? lmao

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  4. Butt doctors are the worst. I had to go to one of those when I was a little kid and as the doctor was spreading my cheeks he was like, "Awww, you have a cute little butt." I remember even as an 8 year old thinking, "Yeah, asshole, that doesn't really make me feel any better about the situation."

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    1. You should have farted. That would have patched the void you've been trying to fill all these years...and I'm not talking about your colon.

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  5. This is pretty awesome. :) The boy has a future in the blog-o-sphere. or as a stand-up comedian. Nice job! :)

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    1. Oh Michael, why must you curse me like this. I can see it now, the whole act would be on being the son of a neurotic single mother. I'd have no secrets (not that I have a whole lot after my own big mouth).

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  6. Who leaves their blog open for children to hijack? (insert blonde joke here)

    I envy your son as he achieved something that has long been on my list...to fart in the face of a doctor. Lawyers are on that list too, and every politician in the country!

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    1. Hey Dan...you know that Avatar you made for me...you know, just a bit up the page on the right...that tongue is now stuck out at you! That aside, your desire to fart on every politician in the country has given me an ingenius idea! We shall form an army of disgruntled citizens and storm the capital after a week long diet of nothing but beens and boiled eggs and gas them all out of DC. It would be a governmental shutdown like no other. It would make the history books for sure!

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    2. Well I got a good start since I've been eating chili for the past couple days!

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  7. Oh how I wish my son had farted in the face of his doctor. The guy so deserves it. Son of Blondie has a brilliant blogging future ahead of him and this reminds me to keep my blog closed when my meddling kids are around or I'll be in big trouble! haha

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    1. Yes, my inferior might have gotten me once, but revenge shall be mine, sayeth "the superior". Little turd.

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