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Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Back to the Fishing Hole...If Only There Weren't So Many Damn Minnows!

If you've read my about me section, read many of my blogs or know me personally you probably already know that I suck at relationships.  I just don't think they are for me, yet I seem to find myself in them on a semi-regular basis knowing all to well they are destined to fail and why.  Yet I'm a single woman in the middle of my sexual peak that likes to have a regular partner and not just pass myself around like Halloween candy to anyone that knocks on my door. 

Sex is another story...I'm GREAT at sex.  How do I know this, you ask?  I've been divorced for over 8 years so I've had PLENTY of sex...with myself.  Doesn't that qualify me as an expert on the matter?

All joking aside, in my 8+ years as a divorcee, I have never had a problem getting a date, I have had problems finding a man I wanted to date more than once.  I find that things that men love about me and draw them to me in the beginning are the very things they want to change or suppress about me in the end.  Unfortunately, I'm getting old and already set in my ways so if something's going to change, it's gonna be my partner, not myself.  What you see is what you get and if you don't like it, kiss my ass on your way out the door.

Another thing I've come to realize in today's technologically savvy world is that single men could really use some classes in social skills and etiquette.  With all the technological advances, often getting to know a man happens via social media, online dating sites or even just over text messaging.  I find that men will say things from the safety of their electronic devices that they wouldn't dare to say if they were in a traditional setting (church, restaurant, grocery storeWalmart, etc.) 

Yeah, Walmart is where I'm hoping to find my future ex-husband...or not.
Thanks People of Walmart for ruining my hopes of finding my future ex-husband in our neighborhood Walmart. Also, thank you for making me cringe at the thought of sitting down on any public seating ANYWHERE!  "Hi there....let me're in the plumbing profession and you wanna lay your snake in my drain.  Let me think about"
I'm a pretty social person with a pretty active social life, but live in an area where there aren't many single men of quality to choose from, and then how do you meet them?  So I too have a profile set up on a couple of dating sites: POF and DH. They provide much more entertainment than potential suitors, but I've got time and I get bored easily.  If you read my blog, Online Dating then you already know what I'm talking about...if not, you might want to take a look at it by clicking the link.

Men get brazen and bold when they are faceless and letting their fingers do the talking!  Sex has become a quick topic in dating sites and when sex can be arranged so easily with random strangers, it makes developing emotional connections much harder.  I mean, you got an itch, scratch it...if someone quits scratching it right, move on to the next.  You don't even have to get out of your PJs or leave your house to set up a booty call. 

When entertaining one of these innuendo riddled conversations the other day, it got to a point where I very clearly told the gentleman despite his smooth talking he wasn't getting me separated from my panties.  His reply had me starring at my phone dumbfounded for a second..."well how's your mouth feeling?"  Really?  Did he just go there?  How do I respond to that?  "Sorry honey, my dentist told me to keep small objects away from my teeth." 

Among too many funny ones to mention, I recently got a message from a man whose profile clearly stated that he was currently in prison.  Are you kidding me?  (Read from bottom up)

Its good to know that our tax dollars go to help find our inmates potential life mates they can go to upon their release.  I loved the "I would like to see more of you than I see here" statement.  Well, duh!  If the only action he's had in the past couple of years has been in the prison showers and laundry room closets, I bet he's itching to see a lot more of me, or any woman for that matter, to get him through those long hours of gang rape and butt plugging.  "Just close your eyes and think or me and pretend you're not on the receiving end sweetheart.  It will be over in 3-5 years."  Yeah, that just doesn't do it for me.

Another one that made me chuckle was this one:

In case you haven't realized why this one made me laugh, 867-5309 was the number from Tommy Tutone's song in the 80s where he gets the girls number from the bathroom wall where it says call for a good time.  It was a classic song from my youth, and the number has been given to many men over the years...most of whom understood it's meaning and didn't ask me for an area code. 

Maybe that last one was a little mean.  He did come back and send me a very nice email apologizing for the "let's hook up" introduction but I think the damage is already done.  Needless to say, I'm still single and haven't hooked me a keeper yet, but I'm gonna keep fishing.  I'll see what I can stir up and have a few laughs along the way.  And hell, maybe I'll be able to pass a few laughs around at mine, or their expense.  In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to stock up on plenty of batteries.
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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Urinals...They're Not Just For Men Anymore!

I made a horrible mistake today.  A mistake from which I will probably be mentally scarred for life.  I google'd "bizarre picture".  I know you're probably tempted to do it right now....DON'T DO IT!!!!  I saw things that no person should EVER see.  However, among the very disgusting and the super painful looking I found something repetitious that sparked my interest.  Interesting urinals.  Bunches of them.  I mean, every thought of peeing on a nun?  Me either, but now you can...and you can even pic your color!

And since everyone knows that when a man holds his penis in his hand to pee, he's wishing there was a pretty set of lips around.  Well, wish no more little guy.  This one's for you!

Or what about those drunken nights at the bar when those ten steps to the bathroom are just too long?  Well, that's been thought of too!

I don't think I'll be ordering anything off tap at this place!  Yeah, I'd like a draft beer with a wiz chaser

And because bathrooms are usually small, smelly places that can leave one feeling restricted and cooped up, why not give a man what he really wants?  Perhaps a view...


Really?  I picture this last one at some biker bar off the interstate somewhere or maybe at a low class strip club, but the other ones are quite elegant.   I mean, just because I have to squat to pee, should I be deprived such luxurious accommodations?  Should I be denied the entertainment that the men blessed to have drained in these accommodations undoubtedly experienced?  Must I be forever trapped to an indoor toilet?  As I struggled with these questions, asking "Why Lord?"  I came across what must truly be the most amazing invention of the 21st century...

That's right ladies!!  Now, we too can pee standing up.  Woot, Woot!  For the amazingly low price of $12.99 your plastic penis can be shipped discreetly to your door!  Just go to and order yours.  Imagine the freedom.  Never will you be stuck sitting on the germy toilet seat of a public bathroom.  Now you can miss the toilet, piss on the floor and not feel guilty because you too can pee standing up.  Lavender not manly enough for your new penis?  Have no fear...camouflage is here!

So time you see an interesting or elegant urinal and find yourself wishing you could pee in you know you can.  You're welcome.