Back to the Fishing Hole...If Only There Weren't So Many Damn Minnows!

If you've read my about me section, read many of my blogs or know me personally you probably already know that I suck at relationships.  I just don't think they are for me, yet I seem to find myself in them on a semi-regular basis knowing all to well they are destined to fail and why.  Yet I'm a single woman in the middle of my sexual peak that likes to have a regular partner and not just pass myself around like Halloween candy to anyone that knocks on my door. 

Sex is another story...I'm GREAT at sex.  How do I know this, you ask?  I've been divorced for over 8 years so I've had PLENTY of sex...with myself.  Doesn't that qualify me as an expert on the matter?

All joking aside, in my 8+ years as a divorcee, I have never had a problem getting a date, I have had problems finding a man I wanted to date more than once.  I find that things that men love about me and draw them to me in the beginning are the very things they want to change or suppress about me in the end.  Unfortunately, I'm getting old and already set in my ways so if something's going to change, it's gonna be my partner, not myself.  What you see is what you get and if you don't like it, kiss my ass on your way out the door.

Another thing I've come to realize in today's technologically savvy world is that single men could really use some classes in social skills and etiquette.  With all the technological advances, often getting to know a man happens via social media, online dating sites or even just over text messaging.  I find that men will say things from the safety of their electronic devices that they wouldn't dare to say if they were in a traditional setting (church, restaurant, grocery store, Walmart, etc.) 



Yeah, Walmart is where I'm hoping to find my future ex-husband...or not.

Thanks People of Walmart for ruining my hopes of finding my future ex-husband in our neighborhood Walmart. Also, thank you for making me cringe at the thought of sitting down on any public seating ANYWHERE!  "Hi there....let me guess...you're in the plumbing profession and you wanna lay your snake in my drain.  Let me think about that....um...no."

I'm a pretty social person with a pretty active social life, but live in an area where there aren't many single men of quality to choose from, and then how do you meet them?  So I too have a profile set up on a couple of dating sites: POF and DH. They provide much more entertainment than potential suitors, but I've got time and I get bored easily.  If you read my blog, Online Dating then you already know what I'm talking about...if not, you might want to take a look at it by clicking the link.

Men get brazen and bold when they are faceless and letting their fingers do the talking!  Sex has become a quick topic in dating sites and when sex can be arranged so easily with random strangers, it makes developing emotional connections much harder.  I mean, you got an itch, scratch it...if someone quits scratching it right, move on to the next.  You don't even have to get out of your PJs or leave your house to set up a booty call. 

When entertaining one of these innuendo riddled conversations the other day, it got to a point where I very clearly told the gentleman despite his smooth talking he wasn't getting me separated from my panties.  His reply had me starring at my phone dumbfounded for a second..."well how's your mouth feeling?"  Really?  Did he just go there?  How do I respond to that?  "Sorry honey, my dentist told me to keep small objects away from my teeth." 

Among too many funny ones to mention, I recently got a message from a man whose profile clearly stated that he was currently in prison.  Are you kidding me?  (Read from bottom up)

Its good to know that our tax dollars go to help find our inmates potential life mates they can go to upon their release.  I loved the "I would like to see more of you than I see here" statement.  Well, duh!  If the only action he's had in the past couple of years has been in the prison showers and laundry room closets, I bet he's itching to see a lot more of me, or any woman for that matter, to get him through those long hours of gang rape and butt plugging.  "Just close your eyes and think or me and pretend you're not on the receiving end sweetheart.  It will be over in 3-5 years."  Yeah, that just doesn't do it for me.

Another one that made me chuckle was this one:

In case you haven't realized why this one made me laugh, 867-5309 was the number from Tommy Tutone's song in the 80s where he gets the girls number from the bathroom wall where it says call for a good time.  It was a classic song from my youth, and the number has been given to many men over the years...most of whom understood it's meaning and didn't ask me for an area code. 

Maybe that last one was a little mean.  He did come back and send me a very nice email apologizing for the "let's hook up" introduction but I think the damage is already done.  Needless to say, I'm still single and haven't hooked me a keeper yet, but I'm gonna keep fishing.  I'll see what I can stir up and have a few laughs along the way.  And hell, maybe I'll be able to pass a few laughs around at mine, or their expense.  In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to stock up on plenty of batteries.

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Emotions and Man Card

This has been a particularly emotional month for me.  I have laughed, I have cried, I have been so excited I did the jitterbug in my panties on the back patio (don't laugh, you do it too!)  I have felt such a wide array of emotions that I realized last night...I am alive.  Not only am I alive, but I am truly living and I love my life.  It might be crazy, it might not be approved of by all, but it's mine and I'm living it to the fullest dispite the obsticles and road blocks that are thrown in my way. 

A few really cool things have taken place this month.  First, and I can't believe I missed the date to celebrate it, is that this blog is now a year old.  On the 5th of August, 2011, I published my first post on my brand new website under the pseudnym of Blondie McBaffled (I know you're shocked to find out that isn't my real name but it will be ok).

Cel..e.brate Good Times, Come On!  Yeah, now you got
that stuck in your head, don't ya?  You're welcome

Another cool thing that happened this month, and I mean REALLY flipping cool, is us ladies got a little peek inside the man cave at Dude Write.  Myself and 21 other fabulous female bloggers were invited to submit and compete for coveted Ladies and Dudette Man Cards.  There were some fabulous submissions.  Some made me laugh, some made me think, some made me cry. In reading my competitions entries, I didn't think there was a chance in hell I'd even make the top five.  So Tuesday night I come home to an empty house after a dinner date, and because I can, I strip down to my skivvies, pour myself a glass of wine and take it to the patio to enjoy my half naked freedom and find out who the winners of the challenge were.   

First place, my girl Mod Mom for her post Mother Goosed where she dresses up and makes questionable once boring and mundane Nursery Rhymes.  She's an awesomely funny, rocking blogger chick.  Sweet!  You go girl.  Second place "Coming in second place is Blondie McBaffled for her post, "Online Dating... Or Not" in which she offers us a glimpse into her exploits in online dating."

WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?  HOLY FUCKING MONKEY BALLS ON A STICK!!  DID I JUST READ THAT RIGHT? (I hit refresh just to make sure it was still there...it was).  And that's when it happened:  wearing nothing but my panties, I jumped to my feet and started doing the jitterbug on the back patio.  If anyone had been peeking through the bushes, they'd have seen me practically naked flailing around my patio hooting an hollering like a crazy mental patient doing my best old school dance moves like the funky chicken.  I did mention the wine, right?

After about 10 minutes, I calmed down enough to make a few very excited calls, post my awesomeness to Facebook (because nothing is official until it's facebook official...blog coming), and then I returned to Dude Write to find out who the other winners where.  Third place Lily for her delightfully disgusting tales of drunkenness.  Her drunken conversation with her lesbian friend whom she accused of molesting her with her mind and trying to mind rape her, has had me mentally molesting people all week.  If you aren't following this woman, you are missing a true gem of hilarity. 

Fourth place was Lady Estrogen for her brilliant Dr. Suess style poem about butt sex, or how she'd possibly do it to him and might even like it, but there was no way he was getting in hers..."Hohum, Hohum, Not in My Bum".  I was not a follower of LE before this past week, but I definitely am now.  That was HYSTERICAL! 

Fifth Place was Angie for her post, Keep Your Romance Out of My Bedroom.  Angie's post let the guys of Dude Write know that while there's a time for romance, the bedroom isn't it.  Do the romancing prior to the bedroom.

There were also some chairman's choice awards, and if I had been one of the chairmen I would have awarded it as Youngman Brown did to the fabulous Elsie for her blog about the Christmas she had to tell her children that daddy had been in a donorcycle accident and wouldn't be coming home.  Youngman stated, "Not only was it a well-told story, but it was a well-told story about one of the saddest things imaginable -- telling your kids that their father has died. The children's response was almost as heartbreaking as the way she compared it to Bambi's mother for them."  Here, here!  I couldn't have said it better myself.  I cried to the point of wiping snot reading this...at work.  It was truly a courageous post.

Thank you to all the fabulous men of Dude Write for allowing us ladies the opportunity to visit the man cave last week. 

On a different note and equally emotional...yesterday was my first day being self employed.  I'm embarking on a new journey and spent yesterday and today gutting a room in my house to prepare it for my new business venture.  I'm excited, scared, unsure, apprehensive, and several other emotions all wrapped up into one already crazy person.  This is a whole blog in itself which I will save for another post, but keep me in your prayers as a begin this new adventure.  I will fill you in soon.

Online Dating...Or Not

The all boys club we women all envy love and stalk follow each week (while peeking through the dusty shades for a glimpse of what they are REALLY doing in the man cave) has taken down their "No Girls Allowed" sign this week and are finally allowing some lucky ladies to get a glimps. The awesomely talented Dude Write men each get to invite two female bloggers to the Dude Write Dance. (Pick me! Pick Me!!) Since I offered to show up for the dance wearing little more than my tassles (there will be a stripper pole at this dance, won't there?), the super funny, mega talented Workingdan over at Shameful Promotions is sponsoring me for this weeks sneak peak into the man cave.

The dance is actually a contest between some very talented and super funny women bloggers this week. If you haven't been following the contests each week, you should start. There are some very talented penis people in that cave, though this week us ladies are there to dust off the shades, sew up the torn bean bag chairs, and throw away the beer cans and pizza boxes (so that's why we've been invited into the man cave). Come on over to Dude Write, read this weeks submissions, then Sunday through Tuesday go back and vote for your favorite three (when I say three, I mean your favorite two and me).

That being said, I absolutely love online dating sites.  It might sound crazy, but I really do.  Not because I think I'm gonna find my soulmate, fall in love, get married and live happily fucking ever after, but because they give me soooo many candidates to poke fun at.  Just the other day, I got an email from a good looking guy in Hilton Head.  Now Hilton Head is a couple hours drive from here so geographically inconvenient to say the least...but whatever.  He met my "you must be this tall to ride this ride" rule, or at least it said so on his profile.  I'm not completey naive and will admit he could still have been a circus midget or some mom's basement dweller using a fake picture, but for the sake of this blog he met the height requirment and had enough eye candy appeal to warrant a response from me.

So the conversation starts off like this:

Now I'm a pretty smart cookie and his greeting alone gave me a pretty good indication that this guy was what I refer to as a bootie caller, but I was bored and he was easy on the eyes, so what the heck.  Over the next couple hours we sent each other several messages with the standard dating interrogation questions (are you married, do you have a stalker crazy ex, etc.)  Then we get to talking about our kids and the conversation takes an unexpected turn.

So here I am about 2 hours into chatting with this guy and we're discussing my reproductive organs.  What the hell...I got nothing better to do.  I mean, why do something productive like work when you can talk about yor reproductive abilities with a decent looking stranger?  And that's where it gets good.

I was of course laughing my ass off as I wrote this and I believe I snorted from laughter at his response.  I mean really, what's a little latex between two strangers?  If I was gonna give it away like holiday candy why not get a little gonorihia icing on top of it!  He went on to ask me if I was also "alergic to latex" and for some reason didn't like my "No I'm not allergic to latex, and I'm not real quick to play in the rain without a raincoat without getting to know the storm real well" response.  The conversation ended with him saying, "see this is why people start talking about sex first.  Easy to find a woman with similar interests, not so easy to find one you're sexually compatible with."  That was code for a woman who fucks complete strangers on the first date without protection and doesn't worry about the high likelihood he's got crotch rot and may be losing his penis any day now. 

Another thing I love about online dating are the men with fragile egos.  On my profile I state a couple things that are absolute deal breakers for me.  You all know the first one:

It also states a few other things cause I'm a ticky, picky bitch.

That said and publically displayed for all to see, I cannot believe how many men I get messages from that simply do not meet the qualifications.  I try to be polite but sometimes it's not easy.  The biggest complaint that I hear from men is the disrespect of not even being given a not interested response, so I usually do.  As I was working on this blog, I had such an event happen.

I got the following messages from a 5'5" man.  Hello!!!  He'd need a step-ladder to kiss me. It would be really hard to blame him for talking to my boobs.  My eyes are up here dude...if you strain your neck back real far, you might be able to see them.  Ok, maybe that's a bit exagerative, but really!

Ok, maybe that was hitting below the belt a little, but you've got to admit it's a little funny...or maybe I'm just a bigger bitch than you.  I think I hurt the little guys feelings cause he's still sending me rude messages which have gone unresponded.  He's obviously got little man's syndrom and it was not my intention to make it worse when I first responded, but do you think it would be to rude for me to ask him how the weather is down there?

IMPORTANT UPDATE ON HILTON HEAD DOUCHBAG:

Would I really be that much of an asshole?

Oh yes I would!

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