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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Bestiality…It’s No Longer Just Your Daughters You Have To Watch!

After a conversation with a friend which led to a Google search, I was surprised to see the number of news stories about bestiality arrests; people charged for having sex with everything from dogs, to hogs to horses and sheep.  What I want to know is how the heck this gets started.  I mean does it start with some young man watching the neighbor’s dog through the bedroom window, admiring it’s long hair, and how the light reflects off it as she moves?  What about the horse?  Is this the firmness of the butt that turns the man on?  The softness of the sheep’s fur?  Now the hog…nope, I got nothing.  I mean, a hog…really?  Who are these people?   



In one of the online news stories I read, an Albany, GA man is walking his dog, sees vacant mobile home and enters it with his dog.  Neighbors observe him breaking in (it’s always the neighbors), come to investigate and hear loud scream-type sounds.  The police arrive and catch the man in the act of engaging in “loud sexual activity with his dog”.  REALLY??  I mean, he couldn’t wait till he got home?  Who was doing the screaming?  Was the way she was shaking her butt as she walked just too much for him so he just had to have her right then?  Would his wife at home object so he had to sneak off with his bitch for some quality time?  Well, that was a stretch (him having a wife)…guy probably lives in mom’s basement.



A 62 year old Bainbridge man got busted jumping a fence to a stockyard and having sex with a pig.  I guess he liked a little more of a fight with his conquest.  No sit Boo Boo, sit for him!  Then again, maybe the man just likes squealers.



A Jersey cop got arrested for getting blow jobs from baby cows.  As there were no laws on the books against beastiality, the question was could they prosecute him under the cruelty to animals statute.  Charges were dropped because they couldn’t decide whether having the calves suck on something that wasn’t producing milk could be considered torment (I’m not making this crap up…link is below!)  They also said that that the cruelty to animals statute was dealing more with neglect, and that was not the case here.  Actually, the cop neglected to leave his penis in his pants and out of the mouth of the calf…the sick freak!



It’s everywhere, and you never know who it will be.  Could be you next door neighbor, or even your animal, as some farmers in Enumclaw, WA discovered.  A man went to the hospital seeking medical assistance for a companion then left.  The companion died of a perforated colon, secondary, as the police later discovered, to a sexual encounter with a horse.  During the course of the investigation, they found many videos of the deceased engaging in sexual intercourse with horses.  Police showed video tape to the neighbors who were shocked and appalled to see that not only had their neighbor been having sex with horses, but he was having sex with THEIR horse in THEIR barn.  That’s what they get for leaving the horse unsupervised and having such a nice pad for her.  It’s no longer just your daughters you got to watch out for!



In Sherborn, MA, a farmer reported having his barn broke into several times over the course of a year, prompting him to install surveillance cameras.  What they recorded was not what he expected to see.  Between 3 and 4 a.m. on the night of June 27, an 18 year old boy grabbed a sheep by its back legs, drug it to the back of its stall, removed his clothes (the boy’s not the sheeps) and had his way with the sheep.  Very Baaaaaad boy! 



He was later arrested and then released into the custody of his parents.  Could you imagine being this kid’s parents?  I mean it’s one thing for people to say “watch your daughters around that boy”, but for the neighbors to be watching their dogs, cats, sheep, hamsters…I mean, doesn’t get much more embarrassing than that.  They see your son walking down the street, and protectively grab their pets and rush inside.  Yeah…I don’t envy them.  I bet the parents are wishing they’d been a little more thorough in their birds and the bees discussions now!



With this epidemic of beastiality on the rise, more and more states are putting laws on the books to protect the helpless farm animals from the perverts and sexual deviants of society, I guess we parents and educators need to start doing our part as well.  No longer can we just tell our children where babies come from and how to protect themselves from STDs.  We now must expand our facts of life discussions to include: “it is not acceptable to have sex with your furry friends or farm animals, and no…gerbils don’t like tight, dark and moist places.”

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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Babysitting…Grooming Your Future Stepmother For Dad's Midlife Crisis

I’ve heard guys joking around for as long as I can remember, saying things like, “old enough to bleed, old enough to breed” or “old enough to bleed, old enough for me”.  The first thought that has always come to mind…pedophile…but I just chalked it off to guys being pigs.  As I’ve gotten older, I’m beginning to think there really is some truth to those sayings in the mind set of some middle age men. 
As a mother of a teenage daughter, I am becoming increasingly more disgusted with the pedophiliac nature of this class of middle age men in crisis.  It makes me puke in my mouth to see them dating girls about the same age as their daughters.  Of course they’re flawless…they’ve not yet been infected with that body changing condition that has a life-form clawing and kicking trying desperately to escape for nine months…known as pregnancy…nor have they’ve not been alive long enough or had boobs long enough for gravity to take its toll. I then find myself wondering what they would do if their daughter started dating one of their friends?

I’m sure there are advantages to dating a girl the same age as your daughter.  They’d have so much in common…same taste in music, same style clothes, similar friends, parents the same age…I mean the list goes on and on.  I can just see dad introducing the girlfriend to his daughter.  “Honey, I’d like you to meet your new sister/mom.  I think you’ll really like her!”  Then imagine the kinds of conversations they could have:  Daughter: “Remember that year we went to church camp and Nathan was there.  He’s so sexy!” Girlfriend: “You’re dad is sexy, and amazing in bed!” Daughter: “Is your dad single?  Maybe you can introduce us and we can double date.”   I’m not sure these men should go introducing the girlfriend to their sons just yet or they might be competition!

Buy a sports car or motorcycle; start hitting the gym or change your style of dress or hairstyle to be younger and more “hip”; abandon your families and trade your woman in for a younger model; throw away your careers and party away all your money...just don’t think we’re all jealous of you.  It’s not jealousy, it’s repulsion.  Had you started dating the same girl a few years ago, you’d have been jailed for child molestation, and labeled a pedophile for life.  To the teenage daughters, be nice to the girls you babysit…you could be grooming your future stepmother for your dad’s midlife crisis.

Monday, October 10, 2011

The Invisible Booby Bandit

Saturday morning, after a late night out with friends, I awoke needing to take a girlfriend to work.  Having slept only in a tank top and panties, I changed into a t-shirt and jogging pants (no bra as I was merely driving and dropping her off) and went to pick her up.  After dropping her off at work and getting back to the house, I felt something pull from under my boob.  Having long hair which sheds terribly, I at first thought it was a hair, but when I went to remove the irritant, I instead found found gum…chewed and sticky gum, all over the underside of my boob and half way down my tummy.  What the hell?
I go to the bathroom, lift up my shirt and examine my gum painted torso wondering how the hell that happened.  I mean, obviously I must have fallen asleep with gum in my mouth, but with the amount of hair I have, surely it would have fallen into my hair, been all over the bed, or on the OUTSIDE of the tank top I slept in…but no…it was all over my left boob and upper tummy.  I checked the bed and found no gum, I turned the tank top inside out and still found no gum.  How the hell did this happen?  I mean, it’s not every day you wake up with green sticky boobs…well, at least not for me. 

As the day progressed, I just couldn’t get this oddity out of my mind.  I’m still completely perplexed.  The only possible explanation is that I was visited in my sleep by the Invisible Booby Bandit, who had left his mark.  The least he could have done is wake me up and let me enjoy the experience!