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Saturday, August 25, 2012

Emotions and Man Card

This has been a particularly emotional month for me.  I have laughed, I have cried, I have been so excited I did the jitterbug in my panties on the back patio (don't laugh, you do it too!)  I have felt such a wide array of emotions that I realized last night...I am alive.  Not only am I alive, but I am truly living and I love my life.  It might be crazy, it might not be approved of by all, but it's mine and I'm living it to the fullest dispite the obsticles and road blocks that are thrown in my way. 
A few really cool things have taken place this month.  First, and I can't believe I missed the date to celebrate it, is that this blog is now a year old.  On the 5th of August, 2011, I published my first post on my brand new website under the pseudnym of Blondie McBaffled (I know you're shocked to find out that isn't my real name but it will be ok).
Cel..e.brate Good Times, Come On!  Yeah, now you got
that stuck in your head, don't ya?  You're welcome
Another cool thing that happened this month, and I mean REALLY flipping cool, is us ladies got a little peek inside the man cave at Dude Write.  Myself and 21 other fabulous female bloggers were invited to submit and compete for coveted Ladies and Dudette Man Cards.  There were some fabulous submissions.  Some made me laugh, some made me think, some made me cry. In reading my competitions entries, I didn't think there was a chance in hell I'd even make the top five.  So Tuesday night I come home to an empty house after a dinner date, and because I can, I strip down to my skivvies, pour myself a glass of wine and take it to the patio to enjoy my half naked freedom and find out who the winners of the challenge were.   
First place, my girl Mod Mom for her post Mother Goosed where she dresses up and makes questionable once boring and mundane Nursery Rhymes.  She's an awesomely funny, rocking blogger chick.  Sweet!  You go girl.  Second place "Coming in second place is Blondie McBaffled for her post, "Online Dating... Or Not" in which she offers us a glimpse into her exploits in online dating."
WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?  HOLY FUCKING MONKEY BALLS ON A STICK!!  DID I JUST READ THAT RIGHT? (I hit refresh just to make sure it was still there...it was).  And that's when it happened:  wearing nothing but my panties, I jumped to my feet and started doing the jitterbug on the back patio.  If anyone had been peeking through the bushes, they'd have seen me practically naked flailing around my patio hooting an hollering like a crazy mental patient doing my best old school dance moves like the funky chicken.  I did mention the wine, right?
After about 10 minutes, I calmed down enough to make a few very excited calls, post my awesomeness to Facebook (because nothing is official until it's facebook official...blog coming), and then I returned to Dude Write to find out who the other winners where.  Third place Lily for her delightfully disgusting tales of drunkenness.  Her drunken conversation with her lesbian friend whom she accused of molesting her with her mind and trying to mind rape her, has had me mentally molesting people all week.  If you aren't following this woman, you are missing a true gem of hilarity. 
Fourth place was Lady Estrogen for her brilliant Dr. Suess style poem about butt sex, or how she'd possibly do it to him and might even like it, but there was no way he was getting in hers..."Hohum, Hohum, Not in My Bum".  I was not a follower of LE before this past week, but I definitely am now.  That was HYSTERICAL! 
Fifth Place was Angie for her post, Keep Your Romance Out of My Bedroom.  Angie's post let the guys of Dude Write know that while there's a time for romance, the bedroom isn't it.  Do the romancing prior to the bedroom.
There were also some chairman's choice awards, and if I had been one of the chairmen I would have awarded it as Youngman Brown did to the fabulous Elsie for her blog about the Christmas she had to tell her children that daddy had been in a donorcycle accident and wouldn't be coming home.  Youngman stated, "Not only was it a well-told story, but it was a well-told story about one of the saddest things imaginable -- telling your kids that their father has died. The children's response was almost as heartbreaking as the way she compared it to Bambi's mother for them."  Here, here!  I couldn't have said it better myself.  I cried to the point of wiping snot reading this...at work.  It was truly a courageous post.

Thank you to all the fabulous men of Dude Write for allowing us ladies the opportunity to visit the man cave last week. 

On a different note and equally emotional...yesterday was my first day being self employed.  I'm embarking on a new journey and spent yesterday and today gutting a room in my house to prepare it for my new business venture.  I'm excited, scared, unsure, apprehensive, and several other emotions all wrapped up into one already crazy person.  This is a whole blog in itself which I will save for another post, but keep me in your prayers as a begin this new adventure.  I will fill you in soon.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Quarterback's Bitch...A Sports Commentary (Reposted in honor of the upcoming season)

I absolutely love spending time with intelligent people who are good conversationalists. Last night, I was blessed to be around two such fabulous individuals. I was at a good friends house visiting, when one of his friends came over. We were having great conversation on a lot of different topics, so I'm really not sure how this topic came up, but I knew as soon as the question was asked, that I'd be writing about it today.
Both these men are really big guys, well over six feet tall. The subject of football came up and my good friend asks my new friend, "Man, if you had a son, would you want him being a center?" I must admit, I wasn't sure which position he was talking about when my new friend answered, "Hell, no!" Then they proceeded to talk about how the center is bent over every play while the quarterback reaches his hands between the center's legs. The only thing separating the quarterback's hands from the center's nuts being the cup he wears. I am saying this very tamely, as it was a very animated discussion with my good friend making demonstrative gestures to further his point. I then piped in and said, "If I ever decide to play football and the quarterback is good looking, that's the position I'd want to play!" That's when it hit me...the center is the quarterback's bitch!

 
We were rolling laughing at this crude thought, when my new friend suddenly got serious and says, "You know, man...I've NEVER even thought about that, but you're right. I'd want my son being a head hunter, not having some man behind him rubbing his balls every play!" As you can well imagine, especially those of you who know me personally---I was blinking back tears, I was laughing so hard!
This discussion went on for a while, and then went to even greater depths and I had to ask my new friend, who is a black man in his late 20s, if it would be worse if the quarterback was white. At first, he denied it (with overted eyes), saying that it wouldn't matter, but when my good friend called him on it, he reluctantly agreed that if his strapping son had some weasley little white quarterback bent over him, sticking his hands between his legs..."Hell, yea, that would be worse!"
The funny twist to this story is that the center calls plays and is often the brains of the operation...further proof that the center is the quarterback's bitch! Us bitches usually do have the brains!
DISCLAIMER: I understand that the center is a vital and important position that requires skill and intelligence. I also understand that I am probably offending at least one player on every football team. However, rather than getting your panties in a wrinkle, wear your new bitch title with pride and say, "Thank you for noticing!" (Then ask for a HUGE raise or to switch positions.) Personally, I envy the centers and am thinking of trying out for the San Diego Chargers if it would mean that I'd get to have Phillip Rivers between my legs!

English: Philip Rivers on the sideline of the ...
What a yummy piece of man meat!
English: Philip Rivers on the sideline of the 2008 Chargers-Chiefs game at Arrowhead Stadium. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Thursday, August 16, 2012

Online Dating...Or Not

The all boys club we women all envy love and stalk follow each week (while peeking through the dusty shades for a glimpse of what they are REALLY doing in the man cave) has taken down their "No Girls Allowed" sign this week and are finally allowing some lucky ladies to get a glimps. The awesomely talented Dude Write men each get to invite two female bloggers to the Dude Write Dance. (Pick me! Pick Me!!) Since I offered to show up for the dance wearing little more than my tassles (there will be a stripper pole at this dance, won't there?), the super funny, mega talented Workingdan over at Shameful Promotions is sponsoring me for this weeks sneak peak into the man cave.
The dance is actually a contest between some very talented and super funny women bloggers this week. If you haven't been following the contests each week, you should start. There are some very talented penis people in that cave, though this week us ladies are there to dust off the shades, sew up the torn bean bag chairs, and throw away the beer cans and pizza boxes (so that's why we've been invited into the man cave). Come on over to Dude Write, read this weeks submissions, then Sunday through Tuesday go back and vote for your favorite three (when I say three, I mean your favorite two and me).

That being said, I absolutely love online dating sites.  It might sound crazy, but I really do.  Not because I think I'm gonna find my soulmate, fall in love, get married and live happily fucking ever after, but because they give me soooo many candidates to poke fun at.  Just the other day, I got an email from a good looking guy in Hilton Head.  Now Hilton Head is a couple hours drive from here so geographically inconvenient to say the least...but whatever.  He met my "you must be this tall to ride this ride" rule, or at least it said so on his profile.  I'm not completey naive and will admit he could still have been a circus midget or some mom's basement dweller using a fake picture, but for the sake of this blog he met the height requirment and had enough eye candy appeal to warrant a response from me.

So the conversation starts off like this:


Now I'm a pretty smart cookie and his greeting alone gave me a pretty good indication that this guy was what I refer to as a bootie caller, but I was bored and he was easy on the eyes, so what the heck.  Over the next couple hours we sent each other several messages with the standard dating interrogation questions (are you married, do you have a stalker crazy ex, etc.)  Then we get to talking about our kids and the conversation takes an unexpected turn.


So here I am about 2 hours into chatting with this guy and we're discussing my reproductive organs.  What the hell...I got nothing better to do.  I mean, why do something productive like work when you can talk about yor reproductive abilities with a decent looking stranger?  And that's where it gets good.



I was of course laughing my ass off as I wrote this and I believe I snorted from laughter at his response.  I mean really, what's a little latex between two strangers?  If I was gonna give it away like holiday candy why not get a little gonorihia icing on top of it!  He went on to ask me if I was also "alergic to latex" and for some reason didn't like my "No I'm not allergic to latex, and I'm not real quick to play in the rain without a raincoat without getting to know the storm real well" response.  The conversation ended with him saying, "see this is why people start talking about sex first.  Easy to find a woman with similar interests, not so easy to find one you're sexually compatible with."  That was code for a woman who fucks complete strangers on the first date without protection and doesn't worry about the high likelihood he's got crotch rot and may be losing his penis any day now. 

Another thing I love about online dating are the men with fragile egos.  On my profile I state a couple things that are absolute deal breakers for me.  You all know the first one:


It also states a few other things cause I'm a ticky, picky bitch.


That said and publically displayed for all to see, I cannot believe how many men I get messages from that simply do not meet the qualifications.  I try to be polite but sometimes it's not easy.  The biggest complaint that I hear from men is the disrespect of not even being given a not interested response, so I usually do.  As I was working on this blog, I had such an event happen.

I got the following messages from a 5'5" man.  Hello!!!  He'd need a step-ladder to kiss me. It would be really hard to blame him for talking to my boobs.  My eyes are up here dude...if you strain your neck back real far, you might be able to see them.  Ok, maybe that's a bit exagerative, but really!


Ok, maybe that was hitting below the belt a little, but you've got to admit it's a little funny...or maybe I'm just a bigger bitch than you.  I think I hurt the little guys feelings cause he's still sending me rude messages which have gone unresponded.  He's obviously got little man's syndrom and it was not my intention to make it worse when I first responded, but do you think it would be to rude for me to ask him how the weather is down there?

IMPORTANT UPDATE ON HILTON HEAD DOUCHBAG:


Would I really be that much of an asshole?

Oh yes I would!
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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Laying in Yard Leads to Alien Anal Probing

Laying in your front yard drinking beer can lead to alien anal probing...or at least it did last Sunday.  It was a cloudless summers night and the neighborhood was sleeping (except the noisy ass crickets).  Half tipsy, trying our best to be quiet and not disturb my neighbors (yet failing miserably in our attempt), my crazy girl friend and I scout out the spot with the best view of the night sky to watch a meteor shower.  Having found the perfect spot, we drag lounge chairs into the front yard (trying not to spill our beers) and set up to witness natures show.

The mosquitoes were thicker than a 70's porn star bush (insert bad mental image here), so a bug repelling candle was placed between our two chairs (the campfire).  There we laid in my overgrown lawn with our makeshift campfire drinking beer and giggling like school girls.  Cars drove by and slowed as I imagine the drivers were thinking "what the hell are these two on and where can I get some?" 

After about 1/2 hour, the only thing we were seeing were planes or "Blinking red flying stars".   Boredom started kicking in so we did what anyone in our position would do...and posted to Facebook.

The conversation started off innocent enough, and though the Funny Penis Person seemed sure that the meteor shower was the night before, we were not detoured continuing our watch on the night sky.  Still nothing.  So the conversation continued.


Traffic is going by and the two of us laying in the dark in the yard, the only light coming from our campfire candle and our cell phones, laughing till our sides hurt as we start talking about UFOs and alien anal probing.  Traffic slowed to a crawl as the drivers rubberneck to figure out what the hell we were doing. Then we switch our focus from extraterrestrial aliens to our local onion picking Mexican ones (we live in Vidalia, famous for one thing...onions).  It was time to have a little fun with the Funny Penis Person and send him the gift of an alien anal prob. 


We had given up all hope of seeing massive amounts of shooting stars to wish upon, but we'd laughed till our bellies burned.  I'm not really sure if it happens in every yard or just my yard, but laying in the yard drinking beer can and did lead up to alien anal probing...for the Funny Penis Person.  Unlike the "Cowboy from hell", the Funny Penis Person does have a sense of humor and despite our undesired gift to him, he is still talking to me...but I doubt he'll ask me for phone sex.  I kinda wish he would though, cause I'd talk in a mexican accent and say things like "I insertar la sonda profunda en tu culo".  This one time, I might make an exception and give him some phone sex, of the alien anal probing type...so Funny Penis Person...what are you waiting for?  Pick up that phone and ask me what I'm wearing! 
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Thursday, August 9, 2012

Yes, I Am An Asshole!

Over the past few weeks I have had the priviledge of my blog being recognized through awards from some fabulous fellow bloggers.  Despite these talented writers taking the time to present these awards and bestowing such an honor to me, I have been a lazy asshole and have not taken the time to adequately thank them nor recognize other bloggers that are even more deserving of such recognition than I.  Yes, I'm saddened to admit it, but I am and asshole (see texts below for undeniable proof). 
The award I deserve.

A few weeks ago the very talented Kelly of Dysfunctionally Functional presented to me the much coveted Kreativ Blogger Award


Kelly is a blogger who shares her life experiences with the blogosphere most often humorously, sometimes seriously but always honestly and I love that about her blog.  If you haven't read it, check it out!

A couple weeks ago I was given the Sunshine Blogger award by Roe of My Upside Down Life


Roe is a woman with a tremendous heart and compasionate soul in a tough situation and she blogs openly about it.  While I worry about her often, I feel that her honesty in sharing her own life situation has the capacity to help other women know they are not alone and helps her to deal with the hand life has dealt her.

In the past two weeks, the amazingly creative and super funny british mother of the one day in the not so distant future world dominator (also known to her readers as "Spawn"), Lily of The Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose has graciously bestowed upon me two super cool awards.  The first, the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award.


The second, and probably my favorite titled one, The llamalicious blogger award.


I mean, how can this one not just make you smile?

Yesterday I discovered that Mod Mom from Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom awarded me this stylish cutie.


I would like to thank all you awesomely creative individuals for reading my crazy posts and supporting me through the infancy stage of my blog.  Your kind words, support and acknowledgments are what truly make me enjoy writing and the blogosphere in general.  I look forward to and enjoy reading your blogs and the interactions we share.  I could go on to say that it's nice to know there are others out there that are as big of assholes with equally or surpasing satirically witty personalities than I, making me feel a little less 10/10 on the insanity scale...but I'm trying to be genuinly nice here so I'll refrain and offer my most sincere thank you.

Now with each of these awards there are several instructions and tasks that are given the recipient, but I'm not good with following instructions so in keeping with the spirit of the awards, I will tell something about myself and recognize some very talented people.

Something about me:

I have been divorced for over 7 years (from my second husband), and after much self examination I have come to realize that I suck at relationships.  I am a very independent and strong-willed woman and tend to feel stiffled and repressed in a committed relationship when my partner puts too many demands on my time and emotional resources.  I guess another recognition I'm very deserving of is the title, "Queen of 3-6 Month Relationships".  When they start getting complicated, I tend to get gone.  Maybe its a self defense mechanism, maybe I'm just not relationship material, or maybe I just haven't found Mr. Right yet.  Only time will tell on that one. 

That having been said, I don't think I've met a man that I've honestly and seriously considered spending my life with in a long time.  Last night was a perfect example of what I'm dealing with.  I had a dinner date with a man I've been friends with for many years and while sitting in the restaurant waiting on our food, I get a text alert.  I look at my phone and am instantly tickled.  It's a text from a good looking man that I'd met a a week or so ago and had considered going out with.  As a girl can never be to careful, I checked him out (aka stalked his Facebook page) and saw that his relationship status was "in a relationship".  There was also a picture of him and a girl as well as a comment from him on his page a couple weeks ago saying "I love my baby" or something to that effect.  Oh hell no.  I'm not about to get in the middle of anyone else's relationship, yada, yada, and told him so.  So back to my dinner date and the restaurant.  I get a text message that was completely out of left field so my date and I had a little fun with it.  These are actual pictures from my phone.



My date, being the good sport that he is, was going to finish dinner then call him, and in his sexiest voice ask, "What are you wearing?"  But texter caught on before it got to that.  Needless to say, the "cowboy from hell" hasn't texted me back.  I don't think he's talking to me today for some reason.  Yes, I am an asshole.

After my dinner date last night, a girlfriend and I went to a comedy show.  We had a lot of laughs and at the conclusion sat and talked with the comedians.  One of them looks at me and asks, "Why are you still single?"  I looked right back at him and replied, "Because I'm a bitch."  Just keeping it real.

Speaking of comedians, most of the bloggers I truely enjoy, are just that.  They are talented, witty and funny...or are just complete smartasses, which makes them funny to me.  They all deserve every award mentioned in this blog (even the asshole one).  In no particular order of favoritism, these are the top talented bloggers who bring a smile to my face on a regular basis.

Lily at The Incoherent Ramblings of a Moose.  I know better than to be eating or drinking anything when I open her blog, because whatever I'm eating or drinking will be out my nose (or stuck in my sinuses) and on the computer before I'm done reading one of her posts. 

Kevin at Who Woulda Thought? is also a treasure.  He's a dad of three little "minions" with a "trophy" wife and a household of male flatulence.  He has a great sense of humor and a nack for writing what we all think but few woud actually say.

Dan at Shameless Promotions is truly shameless.  Whether it's his drawings, his tales of epic battles between the members of the blogosphere, or an inspired post, he always has me from beginning to end, and there's usually at least a moment when I think "no he didn't", but yes he did.

Brandon & Bryan (aka The Beer Boys) at A Beer For The Shower.  These guys are an awesome resource for practical information on very important topics such as how best to enjoy a beer at the end of a long day, while in the shower, without getting water in it.  However, they don't just give practical advise, they are gifted writers and humorous individuals. 

Chiz at Chiz Chat.  I sometimes picture Chiz much like a male version of myself with a brain that doesn't answer to him.  The shit that he thinks of and writes about is both amusing and amazing to me at times.  He recently wrote a post about wishing he had the superpower to animate inanimate objects that made all his readers glad our computers didn't have emotions, but left us all busting out laughing.

The Six Fingered Monkey.  Another fabulously twisted individual who recently enlightened me on the inner workings of the adolescent male mind and taught me to hide my expensive lubricants lotions with his post She Smelled Like...Masterbation

Rach from RachRiot,  This woman has a way telling the hard truth of a story in a way that leaves you picturing the event from a humorous standpoint.  Her last post about a subburbia toy party she refers to as a dildo-hoedown is a prime example sure to leave you giggling.

I could go on and on and on but as much as I'm getting tired of typing, I'm sure you're getting tired of reading so I'll just link a few more that are sure to put a much needed smile on your face when you visit them.

Kelly @ Dysfunctionally Functional
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom
Crack You Whip
My Upside Down Life