The all boys club we women all envy love and stalk follow each week (while peeking through the dusty shades for a glimpse of what they are REALLY doing in the man cave) has taken down their "No Girls Allowed" sign this week and are finally allowing some lucky ladies to get a glimps. The awesomely talented Dude Write men each get to invite two female bloggers to the Dude Write Dance. (Pick me! Pick Me!!) Since I offered to show up for the dance wearing little more than my tassles (there will be a stripper pole at this dance, won't there?), the super funny, mega talented Workingdan over at Shameful Promotions is sponsoring me for this weeks sneak peak into the man cave.
The dance is actually a contest between some very talented and super funny women bloggers this week. If you haven't been following the contests each week, you should start. There are some very talented penis people in that cave, though this week us ladies are there to dust off the shades, sew up the torn bean bag chairs, and throw away the beer cans and pizza boxes (so that's why we've been invited into the man cave). Come on over to Dude Write, read this weeks submissions, then Sunday through Tuesday go back and vote for your favorite three (when I say three, I mean your favorite two and me).
That being said, I absolutely love online dating sites. It might sound crazy, but I really do. Not because I think I'm gonna find my soulmate, fall in love, get married and live happily fucking ever after, but because they give me soooo many candidates to poke fun at. Just the other day, I got an email from a good looking guy in Hilton Head. Now Hilton Head is a couple hours drive from here so geographically inconvenient to say the least...but whatever. He met my "you must be this tall to ride this ride" rule, or at least it said so on his profile. I'm not completey naive and will admit he could still have been a circus midget or some mom's basement dweller using a fake picture, but for the sake of this blog he met the height requirment and had enough eye candy appeal to warrant a response from me.
So the conversation starts off like this:
Now I'm a pretty smart cookie and his greeting alone gave me a pretty good indication that this guy was what I refer to as a bootie caller, but I was bored and he was easy on the eyes, so what the heck. Over the next couple hours we sent each other several messages with the standard dating interrogation questions (are you married, do you have a stalker crazy ex, etc.) Then we get to talking about our kids and the conversation takes an unexpected turn.
So here I am about 2 hours into chatting with this guy and we're discussing my reproductive organs. What the hell...I got nothing better to do. I mean, why do something productive like work when you can talk about yor reproductive abilities with a decent looking stranger? And that's where it gets good.
I was of course laughing my ass off as I wrote this and I believe I snorted from laughter at his response. I mean really, what's a little latex between two strangers? If I was gonna give it away like holiday candy why not get a little gonorihia icing on top of it! He went on to ask me if I was also "alergic to latex" and for some reason didn't like my "No I'm not allergic to latex, and I'm not real quick to play in the rain without a raincoat without getting to know the storm real well" response. The conversation ended with him saying, "see this is why people start talking about sex first. Easy to find a woman with similar interests, not so easy to find one you're sexually compatible with." That was code for a woman who fucks complete strangers on the first date without protection and doesn't worry about the high likelihood he's got crotch rot and may be losing his penis any day now.
Another thing I love about online dating are the men with fragile egos. On my profile I state a couple things that are absolute deal breakers for me. You all know the first one:
It also states a few other things cause I'm a ticky, picky bitch.
That said and publically displayed for all to see, I cannot believe how many men I get messages from that simply do not meet the qualifications. I try to be polite but sometimes it's not easy. The biggest complaint that I hear from men is the disrespect of not even being given a not interested response, so I usually do. As I was working on this blog, I had such an event happen.
I got the following messages from a 5'5" man. Hello!!! He'd need a step-ladder to kiss me. It would be really hard to blame him for talking to my boobs. My eyes are up here dude...if you strain your neck back real far, you might be able to see them. Ok, maybe that's a bit exagerative, but really!
Ok, maybe that was hitting below the belt a little, but you've got to admit it's a little funny...or maybe I'm just a bigger bitch than you. I think I hurt the little guys feelings cause he's still sending me rude messages which have gone unresponded. He's obviously got little man's syndrom and it was not my intention to make it worse when I first responded, but do you think it would be to rude for me to ask him how the weather is down there?
IMPORTANT UPDATE ON HILTON HEAD DOUCHBAG:
IMPORTANT UPDATE ON HILTON HEAD DOUCHBAG:
Would I really be that much of an asshole?
