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Friday, October 26, 2012

The Monster Bash...Things That Go Bump In The Night

Last week, despite my month long sabbatical, I was honored to once again be invited to the DudeWrite Dance. I've been feeling like the ugly girl in school that no one wants to eat lunch with for fear of being teased lately, so I was super excited when the ever so debonair Michael A. Walker extended his official invitation to submit my ramblings to you fine folks. He's the writer of the blog Defying Procrastination. If you don't currently follow him, I suggest you take a look at his blog!

By now you all know that my friends are probably not like yours, but if they are than you're a lucky individual. You never know what will be discussed, debated, decided or done when you put us together. Last weekend was a wonderful example. For three nights my friends and I put away our makeup and fancy clothes and instead became creatures of the night (not prostitutes you pervs! What kinda girl you think I am?) In the spirit of Halloween, enter the Haunted Forest, but as the sign says, you must enter at your own risk.
When one entered the Haunted Forest, strobe lights blinked, fog filled the air like a heavy monster concealing mist, yet you were aware something was out there. Now add people; warm blooded, warm brained hikers unaware of what awaited them as they entered the trail. Monsters hid at every corner just waiting to jump out and grab them, or scream some blood curdling scream. A young girl sits in an electric chair and flails around, electricity shooting off of it just as the unsuspecting victims go by. An alligator jumps out of a stream only inches away from the frightened hikers forcing them to hurry through the pitch black tented room that brings them to Elm Street, my home for the weekend. As the anxious hikers feel their way through the pitch black room, all the sudden there is a scream, then an excited utterance of "Warm BRAINS!!!" Just as I grab their heads screeching, "I'M HUNGRY!!"
Brains? I smell BRAINS! YUMMY WARM BRAINS!!
The hikers are now in a sort of run from my zombie self, before being slowed by a creepy Gothic doll looking creature in the path coming toward them making frightening sounds. Wide eyed they sneak by and catch a glimpse of a very scary creature in a casket. They hold each other as they hug the opposite side of the trail. They watch and wait for the hideous creature to rise, or reach, or do something...but nothing happens. Just when they change their focus to what lays ahead, the creature in the casket lurches from the casket grabbing them as they fumble, fall, run or even kick at him before departing.
Imagine that jumping out of the casket after you!
Now I'm explaining it from the perspective of the people paying to enter the haunted forest expecting to get their hearts pumping. However, I feel I must stop there and paint another, very different picture. What do you think we were doing after the hikers passed our point and before the next hikers? You guessed it...we were laughing our asses off.


A young couple comes through, and judging from the screams we were hearing further up the path as they approached, we knew we would have some fun with them. The young man held the young woman as they exited the dark Elm St. entrance to be greeted by my scream and search for warm brains. She screamed trying desperately to hurry by, then became frightened by the Gothic doll. Still paying attention to us behind her, she was completely unprepared to deal with the casket creature jumping out of the casket at her, and fell backward and into a tree before getting up and running full speed up the path. Man-Friend was bent over laughing and snorting, casket creature remained on his knees removing his mask as he gasped for air through the uncontrollable laughter, and I fell to the path laughing hysterically.
 
 
Worse still, some demented parent brought in his 7 year old daughter who all but cried the whole way through yelling, "I'm just a kid, I'm just a kid!" every time something jumped out at her. The mother in me wanted to protect her since her asshole father was laughing too hard to even walk correctly (and I'm pretty sure I smelled piss as he walked by), but alas, I am an asshole. After all, daddy's paid good money to see her terrified. I mean, much like Amusement parks where parents bring their kids, watch them become terrified, and are themselves amused, we were there to provide a service. I put on my best scream and grab yelling, "I Love Little Girl Brains!!" while running my hand through her hair with her yelling "Don't touch me!", then trying desperately to get past creepy Gothic doll, but was stopped dead in her tracks as the hideous casket creature jumped out of the casket blocking her path. The color drained from her face and in rapid succession the little girl kicked the creature four times before making her escape. I swear, I almost peed on myself I laughed so hard.
 
 
Speaking of peeing (don't act surprised I'm gonna go there), did I mention alcohol? For this occasion our coolers were filled with beer, lots of beer, which means lots of peeing. There are no bathrooms in the woods. That being said, each lady participating had scoped out spots closest to our station where the creepy lighting and strobe lights failed to reach and which were out of sight (and hopefully sound) of the other creatures of the forest. I had just such a spot and after watching the little girl kick the crap out of casket creature yelling "I'M JUST A KID!" I had to run in search of it. I tell Man-Friend (for the case of this blog the creepy Gothic doll) what I'm doing, barely get my britches down and his flashlight comes on! Are you fucking kidding me! "Man-Friend!" I yell hoping he'll sense the desperation in my voice and kill the light...but no...thinking I'm calling him to me, he shines light in my direction approaching me. I struggle to get my pants up, while still in a squatting position before standing up and showing my ass to all the monsters in the forest. Yeah, I guess if you looked at the pic above it wasn't like someone was gonna get turned on just from seeing my ass in the woods, but still! Can't a monster girl piss in the woods in privacy?
 
 
OK, back on point, ours was just one station in a long, well done trail of horrors. There was a cemetery veiled in fog swarming with hideous monsters and zombies coming toward the walkers on the trail as strobe lights made maneuvering challenging.

As hikers hurriedly left the cemetery, they are shocked as a 12 foot monster blocks their path and a gun shot fills the air. Screams could be heard throughout the forest as they run through a barrage of these characters in desperate search of the exit. Now I mentioned at the beginning that these were my friends. Allow me to introduce you! The pic above:  The daughter of my handyman by day, chainsaw massacring friend by night (the butcher a potential suitor, but I assure you, his blade is no match for the chainsaw of her father should he misbehave).


Speaking of her chainsaw massacring father, the handyman by day likes disassembling body parts by night.


The white faced vixen is her mother. The two creepers behind her our good buddies, and the only thing standing between the chainsaw and the daughter's potential suitor (as I'd be too busy capturing it on film!)


This is just a little innocent foreplay!


She worked so hard keeping our chainsaw friend away from his daughters potential butcher that she was just zombified!

Not all hikers made it through the forest with dry panties, some fell, some hit, one even hugged me and wouldn't let me go in the confines of the dark entrance to Elm Street (I guess it had been a while and any ghoul would do). Some screamed, some laughed, some cried, some ran...fast. One thing that was consistent through it all? The things that went bump in the night (our beer drinking, feel good, asshole selves) did a lot of laughing at others expenses...and will be doing it again this weekend.

All joking and monstering aside, this haunted forest is a fundraiser for a local motorcycle group that uses funds raised during the year to buy Christmas presents for underprivileged children in the area, as well as assist with any other issues our community's children may be in need of during the year. What better excuse is there to have such a frighteningly ghoulish time?
The DudeWrite Dance is actually a contest where the normally dudes only man cave allows us ladies in to dust out the cobwebs, puff up the bean bag chairs, vacuum up the cheesepuff crumbs and throw away the pizza boxes and beer bottles...oh, and we'll let some of our friends read your silly little thoughts if you do.  All kidding aside, it's a huge honor and a contest, so get your butts over there and read the other talented ladies being allowed to visit the man cave this weekend.  Vote for your three favorite...and by three, I mean two others and me!
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