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Friday, July 20, 2012

The Peanut Butter Bandit...Trespass, Burglary & Murder.

WARNING:  This is a story of trespass, burglary and murder, complete with graphic photos and blood.  Not for the faint of heart.  Viewer discretion is advised.

Last Saturday night I was enjoying some me time, watching a movie in my living room with the lights out.  Alone in the house I noticed some movement in a corner.  I strained to see what it was in the dimly lit room but could make out only a dark spot on the carpet.  I rose slowly in an attempt to flip on a light, but the blobish figure scurried quickly behind a book shelf.  I'd at first thought it was a frog as it was too big to be a mouse or a bug, but as it darted away quickly I feared it was much worse...a rat...lurking in the shadows like a burglar ready to steal my food and vandalize my home.

Several weeks ago I wrote about the epic battle between myself and a roach so big that it could eat a rat as a snack.  I absolutely hate roaches but while I don't want a rat or mouse in my house chewing on my shit and defecating everywhere, I don't have the fear or anxiety over them that I do over roaches.  So unlike the roach invasion I wasn't up flipping over chairs and running around after it like a mad woman (this time).  Instead I made arrangements for traps to be set in the morning and went on with my movie watching.

A little while later that night I was sitting on the toilet (with the door open), doing some of my best thinking when what do I see?  The rat, perched on TOP of the bathroom door, just staring at me.
The view from my toilet.  You have to admit rats are much cuter than roaches.
Seeing the rat on the top of the door, I did what anyone in my situation would do...I tried reasoning with it.

Me:  Well hello little guy.  How did you get in here.
Rat: (staring intently as if thinking "so THAT'S where girls pee from!")...said nothing
Me:  You know you're trespassing on private property and I'm within my legal rights to kill you.  You really should come down here and let me take you outside so I don't have to.
Rat: (still staring at me with it's beady little eyes, playing with it's tail thinking "my, what tasty looking earlobes you have")...said nothing.
Me:  I'm gonna be getting some traps in the morning so I'd get out tonight while you still have a chance.
Rat: (Jumps off the door, runs into the hall and disappears)

Yes, I know normal people don't have toilet conversations with rodents, but this is me we're talking about.

The next day traps were set but the crafty little critter kept eating the peanut butter, avoiding tripping the traps and managed to run free around the house for the next few days.  Despite it repetitively eating the bait, the Peanut Butter Bandit was only seen once darting out startling Man-Friend and myself...until last night.

I was in the kitchen concocting a masterpiece (top ramen noodles) when I heard something in the hallway just outside the kitchen door.  As I peeked around the corner, there on the floor was Bandit.
The actual rat on my hallway floor.  Look at that tail!

Upon seeing me, Bandit made a desperate but unsuccessful attempt to scurry away.  It was moving using only his hind legs as if his front legs were broken, heading for the spare room.  I sprinted forward closing that door as well as the doors to the other two bedrooms, blocking it in the hallway.  Bandit stopped, laying flat on the floor staring at me with its beady little eyes as if saying "Fuck you and your leg breaking traps of peanut butter deliciousness!"  For a moment I stared at Bandit, almost feeling sorry for it.  Then I took the above picture saying, "Thought this was a free bed and breakfast did ya?"

I grabbed a hand towel and tried grabbing it by the tail to take it outside, which is when I realized that there was nothing wrong with its back.  It quickly came up at me causing me to squeal like a startled school girl before drooping and stomping it in thoughtless reflex.  There was a sort of crunching sound.  I stepped back and the tough little nuisance made one final attempt to move until blood started coming from it's mouth and nose making gurgling sounds, leaving blood bubbles on the floor.

Yeah, I know it's disgusting but you're not the one that had to clean it up!

DIE already, damn it!  I don't get the glue traps because I don't want to have to kill the animals myself, but I was left no choice with this beady eyed rodent.  I murdered it.  The Peanut Butter Bandit was laid to rest in a ziplocked dumpster grave and I was able to rest in peace knowing I wouldn't have to worry about it nibbling on my ears last night.
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50 comments:

  1. OMG, I can not believe you didn't freak out at the first sight of that rodent in your house. YOU ARE A FREAKIN' BAD ASS!!!!!!!!!!!

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    Replies
    1. What? You wouldn't enjoy some toilet time with a four legged furry watching from the doorway?

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  2. OK, my fault for not heeding the warning. I now need to go and lie down after those pics.

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    Replies
    1. I did my best to warn you Lily. The crime scene photos were grotesque but necessary to adequately portray the experience.

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  3. A rat chewed through a dishwasher hose at one of my rentals and caused thousands in damage. Death to the rats!

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    Replies
    1. The one time I saw it this week, the cable was suddenly very static ridden so I needed to check connections, and when I pulled a piece of furniture out it ran out toward me. If I hadn't gotten it this week, I'd have been looking for poison and glue traps this weekend!

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  4. A couple of things on this one....

    1. Do you always have a camera or cell phone on you when you pee and why?
    2. We never had rats, jus mice. We tried the humane traps call Mice Cubes. The idea was to catch them and then release them far away. Well it was the middle of winter in New England and th mouse would not leave the warm confines of the Mice Cube, so I chucked the whole thing into the woods...so much for humane.

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    Replies
    1. Sadly I actually was without camera or phone during the toilet talk so I took picture of the door and photoshop'd the rat in. I'm sneaky like that.

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  5. Oy vey Maria, that's gross. I can't believe it was sitting on the top of your bathroom door almost taunting you. Re: camera in the loo, my guess is, you're like me and you were either playing Scrabble on or watching Youtube videos. You are warrior princess Blondie. You laid waste to that despicable rat and you took pictures. Dang!

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    Replies
    1. In the interest of history I believe in adequately documenting my battles! Big Bad Blondie...rat slayer

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  6. That's not very nice...

    At least you finished it off. Glue traps cause them to rip their faces off and gnaw their legs off to escape, it's no way of killing anything and extremely cruel. If you're going to kill something, at least do it reasonably quickly I say, no need to make it suffer more than it has to. :/

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    Replies
    1. It wasn't nice at all. I'd hoped that it would find its way out or just be done quickly by the trap. Didn't quite work out that way though

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    2. Yeah it sucks killing but sometimes it has to be done.

      If you have to use glue traps though, please end it quickly. I've known of people who just throw a live and still attached animal to the bin for it to starve to death and god knows what kind of struggle happens. It's terrible, people like that make me... ugh. :(

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  7. ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod!!!!! Unsee! Unsee!! I'm going to have nightmares about that effing tail! Give me roaches any day!

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    Replies
    1. Nope, rats over roaches. Those damn antennas waiving at you as they fearlessly run toward you in their alien like form...ewwww!

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  8. HOLEE SHIT! See, this is why I keep a man around at all times. To open jars and kill stuff. I do agree though, I'd almost rather see a rat than a roach. Almost. I HATE roaches, but damn! A rat staring at me while I'm on the potty? That'll take care of any constipation! Jesus.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, unfortunately I was on my own for this one. Not my idea of a fun time but sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do

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  9. It's not the tail that's disgusting, it's you squashing a mammal to death and posting pictures of it, glorying its death. It's sad people are focusing more on "eww its tail" rather than the fact that you snuffed an animal brutally, and are bragging on about it.

    Pathetic and sad. A little decency please.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd say I'm sorry to have offended you and ask how you would have proposed I handle the situation, but that would imply that I gave a shit about what you thought about a situation you weren't in.

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    2. Yes, how dare you glorify the killing of an animal that could have chewed up your walls, your wires, and caused thousands of dollars in damages to your house. You should have fed it cheese and sung karaoke with it and farted rainbows and sunshine like in Disney movies.

      On a serious note, I love the term snuffed. It's like you have your own low budget snuff film here, and that's something to be proud of.

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    3. Right! I was out of rainbow farts when it bent up at me trying to bite my hand. I feel like some seedy hitman. Maybe I've found my calling...Bad Blondie, Heartless Rodent Slayer.

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  10. I'm with you, Blondie, rats over roaches any day! I lived in Louisiana and never knew roaches could fly until I lived there. WTF? They called them palmetto bugs - no people, they were flying roaches that were 100x normal size that just loved to use our faces for target practice. Ugh!

    To bad we weren't neighbors. I could have fed that rat to my snake =) ha ha ha!!

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    Replies
    1. Elsie, I would gladly have snake-sat for you and provided it a free meal. Maybe then I'd have been someone contributing to the circle of life instead of a vicious, indecent slayer of an innocent mammal.

      As for the facial target practice...I think that is where my true disdain for roaches came from. I grew up in San Diego and while we had big roaches referred to as "water bugs", I'd never seen one fly till moving to Georgia. One time I was out on my deck and one flew right up and landed on my face. I freaked the fuck out, slapping away at my own self. The man who was with me is laughing uncontrollably and I smacked the shit out of him in an almost hysterical state yelling, "You think it's funny that I just got mouth-fucked by a roach?" Yeah, not one of my fondest memories.

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  11. Ew Neither one for me. That's why I have cats! However I've never seen a roach in Utah! That is one of the perks. I've been here 9 years and haven't even seen a flea or tick. Yeah! That was a big freakin rat! I'd have killed it too!

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    Replies
    1. To bad I'm such a cold weather wimp. I bet you don't have gnats and mosquitos either, huh?

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  12. You handled that so well!!! You're officially my HERO!! Girrlll, I see rat and I'm leaving the house and not coming back until a professional takes care of it. I don't mess with NY rats, and this is coming from the girl who had a pet mouse. hahaha

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    Replies
    1. Girl I wouldn't mess with a NY rat either! I'd be afraid they'd have their rat gangs come after me or something. This was just a country rat so I wasn't worried about retalitory attacks from it's homerats. If the damn thing had cooked me a gourmet meal or sewed me a dress or done some other cartoon rodent thing, I'd have left him be!

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    2. lmao!!! Well, rats don't cook well..but that's just what I heard. As far as the NY rats, they are the worst gang of them all! Bloods and Crips who?? lol

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    3. I've been to NY and seen what happens the night before trash pick up. All the rat posse's come out and it's a pretty scary sight. You can't even wear the right colors to blend in, they just stare you down with their beady little eyes waiting for you to trip so they can chew on your nose and earlobes...yeah, I prefer my country rats.

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  13. You are so brave. I can't believe you did that.

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    Replies
    1. Lol...I'm not sure about brave. I don't think I lIke's very brave when I grabbed its tail and it came up at me. The school girl scream and involuntary reaction would probably suggest something else!

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  14. You actually stomped on it? You have bigger balls than I do. I don't even have the nerve to remove a dead rodent from the trap!

    The crunchy sound gave me the heebie jeebies! EEEWWW!

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    Replies
    1. I actually stomped it...in my fliP flops, but didn't mean to. It was sheer reflex when I tried to pick it up by its tail and the damn thing came up at me!

      Delete
  15. Blondie, put down the flip flops and come get your Rockin' Blogger Award. Personally, I think you deserve a gold medal for having the cajones to stomp on a rat. Yeeooww!

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