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Monday, September 17, 2012

Porn Patio and The Jerk Room

I know you guys are wondering if I'd fallen off the map, died, been kidnapped and subjected to unspeakable sexual acts as surely that's what it would take to keep me from blogging for such a long period of time and such tragedy it would take to keep me away from all of the blogs that I love and follow, but rest assured, I am alive and safe (but say nothing about the unspeakable sexual acts...yet).  In my last post I mentioned that I was entering into a new business venture.  It was not something that I had really planned to do, especially not at this time, but getting laid off from my job presented a "now or never" type of opportunity.  I am now a beef jerky making fool.  I've been trying to think of a catch phrase, and kinda like "Nobody Jerks Your Meat Like Me!"  Too much?  Yeah, I might get asked regular how much it would take for them to find out, and since I'm not a prostitute (though I'm not hating on the ones who get paid for what the rest of us give away for free), I better keep thinking.  In entering this new venture, I've transformed a room in my home to make production more streamlined.


As boring as this may seem and as upsetting to my home environment and financial stability as this has proved, life and living have happened and given me a few things I felt obligated to share with you.  First, I must give a little photographic background.
 
This is my back patio and part of the yard.
This is Woody, guardian of the patio.
Many of the best and craziest times come from this space.  Oh if Woody could talk!  (I'd probably be arrested, or be hounded by porn producers wanting me to star in their next movies, etc.)  You guys probably remember how recently photographic proof of my exploits ended up in the hands of the local police, and now the whole police department knows what I look like wearing nothing but a beer and a thong, but that's a whole other story
 
I decided to quit giving into my fear of relationships and how bad I suck at them and decided to get real with Man-Friend.
You remember Mr. Happy Pants Morning Person.
About a week ago, we had some friends over and were sitting around the patio round table, discussing all sorts of topics.  I'm not sure how the topic of reincarnation came up, but Mr. Happy Pants looks at us all dead seriously and says, "When I die, I hope I'm reincarnated as Blondie's patio!"  I about spit my drink out my nose, which would have been really bad cause I had a pretty high octane drink and would probably have scarred my sinuses for life.  Fortunately my sinuses were spared.  This got me thinking about all the things that Woody could testify to if he could talk.
 
Despite my own propensity to get naked and freaky on the patio, I am not the only one who gets some action in the back yard.  I mean lets take Woody for example.  Woody's got back, and by back I mean he's got several butt shaped formations on the back side of the tree.
 
 
Whatever your personal butt preference, he's got it.  Big butt, little butt, wide butt, he's got them all.  Enter alcohol and horny men here.
 


Since there is a lot of alcohol drank around the round table, Woody gets a lot of action.  But Woody's not the only one who was getting action on the porn patio this past week.  I have a whole new view on the term "doggie style".
 
I know, you're thinking "No she did not just go there!", but yes I did.
For a week, every time I turned around these two were going at it.  I did not know doggie style could be done in so many different positions!  Needless to say, I'm gonna be having puppies soon.  Well, I'm not, but the other yard slut will be.  Then add all the damn bugs getting laid.
 
 
I mean, it's like EVERYTHING around me is getting freaky!  A little side note about these horny pests, did you know that they remain coupled for three days before dying.  Well, mother fudgesnapper!  If I was fucking for three days straight, I'd probably die too!
 
Speaking of getting freaky, it doesn't only happen on the back patio.  In keeping up with my crazy last week, I went to a couple of the local pubs selling beef jerky (and drinking copious amounts of alcohol).  It was kinda late on a weeknight when we walked into the second pub and the place was a little dead.  We spotted a couple friends at the bar, sat down and began chatting.  Somehow we got on the topic of feet.  I know some people hate feet or are turned off by them, but there are nerve endings in the feet that go to EVERY part of your body.  Men, if you wanna turn a woman on, get good at rubbing her feet, and find out where the nerve endings are in HER feet that provide vaginal stimulation.  I assure you it's there.  That's when it happened, the local pub became host to it's first foot orgy.
 
 
What?  This doesn't happen at your local pub?
 
Freak flags aside, I'm sorry I've been MIA and I promise I will soon be in a rhythm and back to writing regular and visiting all your blogs again.  I truly miss all the laughs your blogs provide me.  Please be patient with me as I get this new business going, and manage to live a life worth sharing with you.

50 comments:

  1. First off, love the labels for this post.

    Second, Woody's smirk makes it looks like he's looking at some freaky deeky sex at that very moment.

    Third, are you selling your jerky online? I'm a sucker for good jerky, especially the sweet n spicy kind.

    Lastly, OMG YOU'RE ALIVE!!! Welcome back.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am waiting on delivery of reduced oxygen pachaging supplies now to be able to confidently give it a shelf live vs. a for immediate consumption only product this week (heat sealer, oxygen absorbers, fda approved packages, etc., etc. Then I'll ship it to anyone wanting it!

      As for Woody, it's really funny whenever someone new is sitting around the round table having a couple drinks and spots the tree looking like it's staring at them. Tends to make for great conversations. Woody is a freak! He fits right in.

      Delete
  2. Woody has a nice ass but I ain't so sure about his crack. Seems a bit off center. Good news is that sex always sells, and with legs like that sista, backyard porn might be your ticket to stardom if things don't work out with your day job.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Too funny, though I take it as a great compliment. Maybe I should start thinking about a screen name. That could be interesting. Anyone have any ideas for what my porn star name would be?

      Delete
  3. Glad to see you back, Blondie!

    It would seem that Woody was aptly named and he holds some kind of mystical sex power over the patio...don't ever get rid of him! LOL

    Good luck with your new beef jerky business.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know Elsie, I never considered it from that angle, but now that my eyes have been opened I can't believe I have missed it all these years. Woody's powers have shielded me from understanding that he is solely responsible for the depraved acts which have taken place in his presence over the years. He's such a perv!

      And TY, I've missed you guys.

      Delete
  4. Yes, I, too, can't wait to buy your jerky online.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You had me at jerky....

    I have a few tag lines you could use.

    Pull my meat out and enjoy.
    Don't be a jerk, taste my meat.
    We're not jerking you off, this meat can't be beat.
    You can't beat my meat.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I want a woody??? um er for the patio um yeah the patio!! Glad you are alive :))

    ReplyDelete
  7. Has Woody's expression changed over time? I imagine he used to look rather non plussed, until events on the patio slowly changed his expression to perverted.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I STILL wanna hang out with you. Now, more than EVER!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Damn! I just deleted a picture of this tree from my phone that ha a hole in it. And whenever I'm walking I tell whoever I'm with that it is the Lenni Lenape Indian tribe F%$king tree.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Mmmm. Can I webcam chat with that jerky? I can smell it from here.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank God I googled beef jerky and it led me to this site, otherwise I never woulda found you! This site rocks, I like your style! It's quite cozy here.....like...I've been here before kind of cozy, you know what I mean?

    Anyways, glad to meet you and I look forward to reading more of your blog!

    Oh, and I lied...It was doggy style that brought me here!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Alisha and I were just discussing a few weeks ago about the idea of going into business to make jerky dog treats. You know, Made in the USA kind. I was amazed (and disappointed) to find that 90% of doggie treats you find in stores are made in China (even name brand ones). Also, said treats, are known to be bad for your dog's health (chemical, metal, and pathogen contaminates).

    Good luck in your new business!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am so damn proud of you for starting your business. I wish you all the luck in the world and then some.

    I really missed your blog, and I am happy that I stopped by today. As usual, life has been a bit fucked up and I have been extremely neglectful of everyone. So, like you, I am trying to get my ass in gear and get back on track.

    Have a great weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Did you go into a jerky coma or what?

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