Monday, September 17, 2012

Porn Patio and The Jerk Room

I know you guys are wondering if I'd fallen off the map, died, been kidnapped and subjected to unspeakable sexual acts as surely that's what it would take to keep me from blogging for such a long period of time and such tragedy it would take to keep me away from all of the blogs that I love and follow, but rest assured, I am alive and safe (but say nothing about the unspeakable sexual acts...yet).  In my last post I mentioned that I was entering into a new business venture.  It was not something that I had really planned to do, especially not at this time, but getting laid off from my job presented a "now or never" type of opportunity.  I am now a beef jerky making fool.  I've been trying to think of a catch phrase, and kinda like "Nobody Jerks Your Meat Like Me!"  Too much?  Yeah, I might get asked regular how much it would take for them to find out, and since I'm not a prostitute (though I'm not hating on the ones who get paid for what the rest of us give away for free), I better keep thinking.  In entering this new venture, I've transformed a room in my home to make production more streamlined.


As boring as this may seem and as upsetting to my home environment and financial stability as this has proved, life and living have happened and given me a few things I felt obligated to share with you.  First, I must give a little photographic background.
 
This is my back patio and part of the yard.
This is Woody, guardian of the patio.
Many of the best and craziest times come from this space.  Oh if Woody could talk!  (I'd probably be arrested, or be hounded by porn producers wanting me to star in their next movies, etc.)  You guys probably remember how recently photographic proof of my exploits ended up in the hands of the local police, and now the whole police department knows what I look like wearing nothing but a beer and a thong, but that's a whole other story
 
I decided to quit giving into my fear of relationships and how bad I suck at them and decided to get real with Man-Friend.
You remember Mr. Happy Pants Morning Person.
About a week ago, we had some friends over and were sitting around the patio round table, discussing all sorts of topics.  I'm not sure how the topic of reincarnation came up, but Mr. Happy Pants looks at us all dead seriously and says, "When I die, I hope I'm reincarnated as Blondie's patio!"  I about spit my drink out my nose, which would have been really bad cause I had a pretty high octane drink and would probably have scarred my sinuses for life.  Fortunately my sinuses were spared.  This got me thinking about all the things that Woody could testify to if he could talk.
 
Despite my own propensity to get naked and freaky on the patio, I am not the only one who gets some action in the back yard.  I mean lets take Woody for example.  Woody's got back, and by back I mean he's got several butt shaped formations on the back side of the tree.
 
 
Whatever your personal butt preference, he's got it.  Big butt, little butt, wide butt, he's got them all.  Enter alcohol and horny men here.
 


Since there is a lot of alcohol drank around the round table, Woody gets a lot of action.  But Woody's not the only one who was getting action on the porn patio this past week.  I have a whole new view on the term "doggie style".
 
I know, you're thinking "No she did not just go there!", but yes I did.
For a week, every time I turned around these two were going at it.  I did not know doggie style could be done in so many different positions!  Needless to say, I'm gonna be having puppies soon.  Well, I'm not, but the other yard slut will be.  Then add all the damn bugs getting laid.
 
 
I mean, it's like EVERYTHING around me is getting freaky!  A little side note about these horny pests, did you know that they remain coupled for three days before dying.  Well, mother fudgesnapper!  If I was fucking for three days straight, I'd probably die too!
 
Speaking of getting freaky, it doesn't only happen on the back patio.  In keeping up with my crazy last week, I went to a couple of the local pubs selling beef jerky (and drinking copious amounts of alcohol).  It was kinda late on a weeknight when we walked into the second pub and the place was a little dead.  We spotted a couple friends at the bar, sat down and began chatting.  Somehow we got on the topic of feet.  I know some people hate feet or are turned off by them, but there are nerve endings in the feet that go to EVERY part of your body.  Men, if you wanna turn a woman on, get good at rubbing her feet, and find out where the nerve endings are in HER feet that provide vaginal stimulation.  I assure you it's there.  That's when it happened, the local pub became host to it's first foot orgy.
 
 
What?  This doesn't happen at your local pub?
 
Freak flags aside, I'm sorry I've been MIA and I promise I will soon be in a rhythm and back to writing regular and visiting all your blogs again.  I truly miss all the laughs your blogs provide me.  Please be patient with me as I get this new business going, and manage to live a life worth sharing with you.

48 comments:

  1. First off, love the labels for this post.

    Second, Woody's smirk makes it looks like he's looking at some freaky deeky sex at that very moment.

    Third, are you selling your jerky online? I'm a sucker for good jerky, especially the sweet n spicy kind.

    Lastly, OMG YOU'RE ALIVE!!! Welcome back.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am waiting on delivery of reduced oxygen pachaging supplies now to be able to confidently give it a shelf live vs. a for immediate consumption only product this week (heat sealer, oxygen absorbers, fda approved packages, etc., etc. Then I'll ship it to anyone wanting it!

      As for Woody, it's really funny whenever someone new is sitting around the round table having a couple drinks and spots the tree looking like it's staring at them. Tends to make for great conversations. Woody is a freak! He fits right in.

      Delete
  2. Woody has a nice ass but I ain't so sure about his crack. Seems a bit off center. Good news is that sex always sells, and with legs like that sista, backyard porn might be your ticket to stardom if things don't work out with your day job.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Too funny, though I take it as a great compliment. Maybe I should start thinking about a screen name. That could be interesting. Anyone have any ideas for what my porn star name would be?

      Delete
  3. Glad to see you back, Blondie!

    It would seem that Woody was aptly named and he holds some kind of mystical sex power over the patio...don't ever get rid of him! LOL

    Good luck with your new beef jerky business.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know Elsie, I never considered it from that angle, but now that my eyes have been opened I can't believe I have missed it all these years. Woody's powers have shielded me from understanding that he is solely responsible for the depraved acts which have taken place in his presence over the years. He's such a perv!

      And TY, I've missed you guys.

      Delete
  4. Yes, I, too, can't wait to buy your jerky online.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I want a woody??? um er for the patio um yeah the patio!! Glad you are alive :))

    ReplyDelete
  6. Has Woody's expression changed over time? I imagine he used to look rather non plussed, until events on the patio slowly changed his expression to perverted.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I STILL wanna hang out with you. Now, more than EVER!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Damn! I just deleted a picture of this tree from my phone that ha a hole in it. And whenever I'm walking I tell whoever I'm with that it is the Lenni Lenape Indian tribe F%$king tree.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Mmmm. Can I webcam chat with that jerky? I can smell it from here.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thank God I googled beef jerky and it led me to this site, otherwise I never woulda found you! This site rocks, I like your style! It's quite cozy here.....like...I've been here before kind of cozy, you know what I mean?

    Anyways, glad to meet you and I look forward to reading more of your blog!

    Oh, and I lied...It was doggy style that brought me here!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Alisha and I were just discussing a few weeks ago about the idea of going into business to make jerky dog treats. You know, Made in the USA kind. I was amazed (and disappointed) to find that 90% of doggie treats you find in stores are made in China (even name brand ones). Also, said treats, are known to be bad for your dog's health (chemical, metal, and pathogen contaminates).

    Good luck in your new business!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Did you go into a jerky coma or what?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Way cool! Some very valid points! I appreciate you penning this article plus the rest of the website is
    extremely good.

    Look into my webpage ... live cams amateur

    ReplyDelete
  14. Everyone loves what you guys are usually up too. This kind of clever work and reporting!

    Keep up the good works guys I've incorporated you guys to our blogroll.

    my weblog free live chat cam

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh my goodness! Amazing article dude! Thanks, However I
    am having issues with your RSS. I don't know why I am unable to join it. Is there anybody else having identical RSS issues? Anyone who knows the answer can you kindly respond? Thanks!!

    Also visit my web blog: Www.Oxygenforbusiness.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hello! I've been reading your blog for a long time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Humble Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the excellent job!

    Here is my page - free pon cams

    ReplyDelete
  17. What's Happening i'm new to this, I stumbled upon this
    I've discovered It absolutely useful and it has aided me out loads. I'm hoping to
    give a contribution & help other users like its helped me. Great job.


    my website: web cameras live free

    ReplyDelete
  18. I really like reading a post that can make men and women think.
    Also, many thanks for allowing me to comment!


    My web page live free cams sex

    ReplyDelete
  19. Woah! I'm really enjoying the template/theme of this website. It's simple, yet effective.
    A lot of times it's hard to get that "perfect balance" between superb usability and visual appeal. I must say you've done a excellent job with this.
    Also, the blog loads super fast for me on Opera.
    Excellent Blog!

    my web site :: familydentalcentre.com

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hi there everyone, it's my first pay a quick visit at this web site, and paragraph is really fruitful for me, keep up posting such articles or reviews.

    my web site; www.overstream.net

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hey very nice blog!! Guy .. Excellent .. Superb .
    . I'll bookmark your web site and take the feeds additionally? I'm
    satisfied to find a lot of helpful info here in the post,
    we want work out extra techniques on this regard, thank you
    for sharing. . . . . .

    Feel free to visit my web-site; fishinghearts.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. Do you have a spam problem on this blog; I also am a blogger, and I was wanting
    to know your situation; we have created some nice procedures and we
    are looking to exchange methods with other folks, why not shoot me an email if interested.


    Look into my weblog; hottest cam models

    ReplyDelete
  23. If some one wishes to be updated with most recent technologies
    then he must be pay a visit this site and be up to date daily.


    My weblog - free porn chat website

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hello there, You've done a great job. I will certainly digg it and personally recommend to my friends. I'm confident they'll be benefited from this website.

    My web page ... free adult live cams ()

    ReplyDelete
  25. Undeniably imagine that which you said. Your favorite reason appeared to
    be at the internet the easiest thing to be mindful of.

    I say to you, I certainly get annoyed whilst people think about issues that they just don't know about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the highest and also outlined out the entire thing without having side effect , folks could take a signal. Will likely be again to get more. Thanks

    Also visit my web page :: sex Chat room

    ReplyDelete
  26. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find almost all of your post's to be precisely what I'm looking for.

    can you offer guest writers to write content available for you?
    I wouldn't mind producing a post or elaborating on most of the subjects you write concerning here. Again, awesome blog!

    Here is my webpage live cam to cam adult sites ()

    ReplyDelete
  27. Right here is the right web site for anybody who
    would like to find out about this topic. You know so much its almost hard to argue with
    you (not that I personally will need to…HaHa).
    You definitely put a fresh spin on a subject which has been written about for many years.
    Great stuff, just excellent!

    Look into my web blog ... pornographic movies for
    free - Www.vifia.com -

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hurrah, that's what I was searching for, what a material! existing here at this webpage, thanks admin of this website.

    my web site ... chat porn site :: Softitweb.com ::

    ReplyDelete
  29. This design is incredible! You most certainly know how to keep
    a reader amused. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my
    own blog (well, almost...HaHa!) Wonderful job. I really
    loved what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented
    it. Too cool!

    Feel free to visit my website - free live sex cam site (my.mors.by)

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hi there! I could have sworn I've been to this site before but after browsing through some of the post I realized it's new to me.
    Nonetheless, I'm definitely delighted I found it and I'll
    be bookmarking and checking back frequently!

    Feel free to visit my weblog: live video cam porn - jamaicaglobalnetwork.com -

    ReplyDelete
  31. What's up, its pleasant article about media print, we all know media is a wonderful source of data.

    Feel free to visit my website sex live free cam

    ReplyDelete
  32. Do you actually have a little varieties of greenhouse moving, establishing specific whereas making
    juice manually? Some of the performance simple.
    Most of the Green-colored Player machine variants these include s1000,s2000 or
    s3000 are similar machine. A lot of people are partial to smoothie complete
    much more, including another juice machine are available.


    Feel free to visit my page - munchkin baby food
    grinder **

    ReplyDelete
  33. It's not my first time to pay a quick visit this site, i am browsing this website dailly and take fastidious information from here daily.

    Feel free to surf to my site - online sex live free [playedonline.com]

    ReplyDelete
  34. Hello excellent website! Does running a blog similar to this require a massive amount work?

    I have absolutely no expertise in computer programming
    but I had been hoping to start my own blog soon. Anyways, should you have any suggestions or techniques for new blog owners please share.
    I understand this is off subject but I just had to ask.
    Thank you!

    Also visit my webpage; free online cam sex

    ReplyDelete
  35. Excellent post. I was checking continuously this weblog and I'm impressed! Very useful info specially the ultimate part :) I care for such info much. I was looking for this certain info for a long time. Thank you and good luck.

    Here is my page ... Online Adult webcams

    ReplyDelete
  36. My coder is trying to convince me to move to .net from PHP.
    I have always disliked the idea because of the expenses.
    But he's tryiong none the less. I've been using Movable-type on a number of websites for
    about a year and am anxious about switching to another platform.
    I have heard good things about blogengine.net. Is there a way I can import all my wordpress posts
    into it? Any kind of help would be greatly appreciated!


    Here is my blog - webcams

    ReplyDelete
  37. I do not even understand how I stopped up here, however I thought this post was great.
    I don't understand who you're however certainly you're going to a well-known blogger in case you are not already. Cheers!

    my web-site live free pornography - http://www.marsa-net.com/ -

    ReplyDelete
  38. I really like what you guys are up too. This kind of clever work and reporting!
    Keep up the terrific works guys I've incorporated you guys to blogroll.

    my homepage: live and free sex :: http://icoginix.com/index.php?do=/blog/100610/points-to-know-about-selecting-live-free-porn-cams-for-marvelous-web-porn/ ::

    ReplyDelete
  39. Nice answer back in return of this question with real arguments and telling
    everything on the topic of that.

    Check out my webpage - live chat sex video

    ReplyDelete
  40. Tremendous things here. I'm very glad to look your post. Thanks so much and I'm taking a look forward to touch
    you. Will you kindly drop me a mail?

    Visit my page: live chat and cam

    ReplyDelete
  41. I have been surfing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours.
    It's pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the internet will be a lot more useful than ever before.

    Check out my webpage ... free live cams chat

    ReplyDelete
  42. When the cookware can easily touch a unique hot temperature, one might utilise and does not drop nutrition when rendered un monitored.
    Last a long time add your very own chia skin gels
    also wake as soon as more. This in detail assume
    was launched in the beginning My spouse released my personal everyday toaster graduating from reminiscence on a professional review couple of years.
    Blanching, the new cooking term used to explain a
    submersion of the nutrients directly hot the sea then remove the concept using a absolutely sure certain period of time
    after which it putting together the device entering nippy lake
    permitting rainwater cost the game allowing the ab muscles linked food.


    Here is my website :: toasters cream colour

    ReplyDelete
  43. I am sure this piece of writing has touched all the internet viewers, its
    really really nice post on building up new web site.

    Take a look at my site ... free sex webcam and chat

    ReplyDelete
  44. That is a really good tip particularly to those new to the blogosphere.
    Brief but very precise information… Thanks for sharing this one.

    A must read article!

    my blog post - free sex chat webcam - -

    ReplyDelete