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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dueling Dildo Defeat

Fridays I usually only work half a day, which is great because it allows me to get things done that I don’t usually have time for during the week, but this Friday I was scheduled to volunteer at a Red Cross Blood Drive and attend a Pure Romance party with girlfriends afterwards. I left work about 1:30, went to the bank and headed over to get ready for the blood drive. I worked there until a little after 5, then had to rush back to town to buy tickets I was supposed to get two weeks ago (sorry Auntie, but you know if it weren’t for last minute, I wouldn’t get a damn thing done!) before the selling business closed. I made it with only about a minute and thirty seconds to spare. It was now after 5:30 and while my kids had activities for the evening, I needed to get them fed before hand, and I was now running behind for my next obligation. I hurriedly rush through the Wendy’s drive-thru, rush home, throw the food on the table, run a brush through my hair, and I’m off to my next event.

In case you’ve never heard of a Pure Romance party, it is basically a sex toy and lingerie party, usually attended only by women. At this particular party there were plenty of appetizers, and lots of alcohol in the form of various jello shots and tequila balls to get everyone loosened up. Then the games begin. Games include things such as an addition and subtraction of points based on sexual experiences to give you your kink score (mine wasn’t the highest, but it wasn’t too shabby either!); a suck and blow relay race where two lines are formed and jello shots in containers which open on both sides must be past down the line; and my personal favorite…pass the double headed dildo using only your legs, done music musical chairs style.

Just imagine 20 women standing in a circle…the music comes on, the double headed dildo hangs from between the first woman’s legs, as she swings to face the opposite direction then swings it upward using only her legs and thrusts of her hips (touching with hands disqualifies); the woman next to her quickly trying to capture it between her thighs, then swing around to pass it to the woman on her other side. Because this double headed dildo is so long and floppy, in order to pass it and the recipient to catch it above the knees as the rules require, each person passing must sling it up, and the person receiving must spread their legs and bend down then snap their legs shut at just the right time. However, neither wants to be the one holding it when the music stops. When the music stops, the woman who’s thighs contain the dildo is disqualified, the circle tightens and the cycle continues. Faster and faster, more and more frantically these alcohol loosened women try not be caught with the dildo in their possession when the music turns off, sometimes causing someone to drop it or touch it with their hands…oops, they are out too. The game continues until it is down to only two people. Who might you ask were these two unfortunate souls who are in the show down dildo battle? You guessed it…me and another blondie.
And it can be yours for the bargain price of $29.00!

Now all eyes are on us. The other blondie and I facing each other in a sort of vertical missionary position,thrusting the dildo back and forth in frantic, exaggerated motions…back and forth, back and forth, the dildo swinging from my thighs to her thighs, with all the onlookers laughing their asses off…then the music stops...and the dildo hangs from my legs. I drop my head in dildo defeat and then commence to drown myself in more alcohol!

After suffering my dildo defeat, we all sit in a semi-circle and begin passing around all sorts of fun things; small button size vibrating devises, incognito lipstick looking pleasure bringers, big who needs a man vibrators, tasty warming lubricants, throat numbing gels (lmao…that one still gets me…they’ve thought of everything!!), massage oils and candles. Because this is a hands and mouth on experience, we are tasting the tastable gels, rubbing the non tastables on our arms, smelling the smellables, playing with the power settings of the various vibrating contraptions of sensual satisfaction. I even had a conversation with a dildo which had a face on it, and unlike a man, it didn’t talk back or argue! I think it was love at first sight!

What, might you ask, did I buy?  None of your business!  That shall remain a secret as a woman's toy drawer is sacred, known only to her and her playmate...and the 20+ other women that are there when she fills it.

6 comments:

  1. OK, I am not sure whether to be turned on by the descriptions or to laugh my ass off. Either way....

    I've always wondered what happened at those parties and now the secrets are revealed. Now to get me wife to attend one.....

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    1. Yeah, I guess the description does sound a bit sexual, and we are talking about two women and a double headed dildo, so I can totally see your predicament, Kevin. Leave it to me to give away long held girl secrets!

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  2. "The other blondie and I facing each other in a sort of vertical missionary position,thrusting the dildo back and forth in frantic, exaggerated motions…back and forth, back and forth, the dildo swinging..." Now all that's needed is some Euro dance beat pounding away (ahem) in the background and a German man named Gunther, covered with Celtic tattoos...not that I've seen those kind of movies you understand...

    And throat numbing gels...then there is a God!

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    1. Oh yes, there is. So all us women, sitting around in a circle are putting it on lollipops and testing it out. There's a reason men aren't invited to these parties, but I'm so about to throw one and invite the men!

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  3. So.... When you say "Usually attended only by women", you could tell that the tall ugly women in the mop head wig and curtain dress was me all along?

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    1. Actually, you made such a convincing woman, I never even suspected! :-P

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