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Friday, August 26, 2011

Jumping In Taxi's With Midget Strangers. Reposted in Honor of Cowboy.

I love to laugh at the stupid things I do, but this time, I'm laughing at someone close to me (with permission of course).  A female friend and I were out on the town.  There was pool, dancing, and of course, tequila!  She had been out since fairly early, and I met up with her later in the evening.  By the time I got there, she could have done a bud light commercial with the "I love you, man" attitude.  She met me at the door and practically dragged me across the club and over to the bar, where she was sitting with a group.  I had talked to her on the phone and she had told me that there was the sexiest guy there and I had to come and see him.  It wasn't until I saw him that I realized just how intoxicated she was!  He was some sort of middle eastern man in serious need of a shave.  He looked like he probably groomed his face with a pair of dull school scissors, and had never even seen a razor, with scraggly hair coming out of a baseball cap.  I was WAY too sober for that so I needed to do some catching up, and quick! 
I ordered a drink and set off to see who was there that I needed to say hello to.  After making a couple rounds and exchanging pleasantries with the familiar faces, I ordered another drink and headed back to my friend.  Another male friend of mine was there and we asked him to join her and I, as well as Mr. NOT sexy for a game of teams pool.  However, all the pool tables were full so we had to put some quarters on a table and wait.  Luckily for my female friend, there was a pretty good looking man playing at a table and she got to play him when he won.  Mr. NOT sexy soon faded into the background for a more appropriate target. 
The rest of the night went pretty well and we had a lot of fun.  I was talking with a couple of the band members just before getting ready to leave when I noticed that my friend was nowhere in site.  I began looking for her, and found my male friend coming in from outside.  When I asked him if he'd seen her, he told me that she just left in a cab with some guy...but not Mr. NOT sexy nor Mr. pretty good looking.  I was baffled, and she didn't have her cell phone.  Not having a clue where she went or who she went with, I had no choice but to head home without her.  Because my car got too drunk to drive, I got a ride to my house with the promise that he'd come back and get me the next morning to pick it up.  I missed a phone call at about 4:30 this morning and when I attempted to call back the number, I got the front desk of a hotel.  At least I knew where she was, but not knowing who she was with meant I couldn't find her.
When I finally did see my friend this morning, she had bruises all over and a HUGE hicky on her neck (actually more like her jawbone).  I asked who she left with and she said, "I didn't have a clue.  I thought you and I were leaving, walked out, saw a cab, and assumed it was there for us!  It didn't occur to me that I hadn't called a cab or that you weren't with me until about 4 this morning, and then I didn't have a clue where I was or who I was with, only that he could f*** like a mad man!"  She then commented on the bruises and said "sometimes lovin don't feel like it should, oh baby...hurts so good" and that she finally understood that song.  I tell you all this because it leads up to the funny part.  A little while later, my male friend comes to get me and take me to my car, and she rides with us.  We are all cutting up about where she went, how she got there and her extremely large jawbone hicky, as well as how she had to ask him what his name was this morning.  We get to talking about me looking for her and him telling me that she got into a taxi with a guy.  She says "I guess once I start drinking I just think the whole world should cater to me.  I was ready to leave, I walked outside, and there was a taxi...just for me."  I said, "it even came with party favors!"  My female friend was surprised my male friend had seen her leave, and that's when he drops the best part.  He says "Yea, I saw you leave with that five foot nothing midget!"  Now my female friend is the same height as me.  We are both borderline amazonian height women, and if you've read my blog, Size Matters, you will completely understand why I laughed so hard that I thought I was going to pee on myself.  So we spent the rest of the ride with the two of them negotiating between whether her party favor the night before was 5'0 or more like 5'6.  They finally compromised somewhere around 5'4 or 5'5. I could do nothing but laugh and blink the tears out of my eyes! 
Even funnier is that my friend has a 4 year old daughter who is obsessed with midgets, and will sometimes, out of the blue say, "Mama...I love midgets".  So after we get the car and get back to my house, while examining her bruised up self, her daughter hears us saying something about midgets and excitedly says "I LOVE midgets!!!" to which my friend looks at me and says "After last night, so do I!"  I guess tequila helped another 2 and 10 become a 10 and 2!

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