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Thursday, June 14, 2012

Talking Shit…Literally

I know that girls aren’t supposed to burp and fart, let alone poop, but lets get real for a second…we do.  I work about 20 miles from my home and I have discovered that the road between home and work becomes endless if the urge to shit hits me.  I’ve many times found myself bouncing on the edge of my seat, butt cheeks clenched tighter than a steel vice grip, talking to myself saying, “Butt cheeks don’t fail me now!”, praying to God that I didn’t have to clean my car seat when I got home.  There often becomes a point where the urge will let up a little and I’ll find myself thinking, “I can make it”, until I make the turn into my neighborhood.  It’s like my bowels can sense that a toilet is near and the urge to spew the hot stinky gelatinous goo becomes almost unbearable.  The clenched butt cheeks begin to quiver and spasm as the pressure between them builds to dangerous levels, then as I turn into my driveway and park the car, I cannot immediately get out for if my ass leaves the counter pressure of the car seat, my butt cheeks alone will not contain the nastiness within.  So I sit there…sweat beading on my upper lip, bouncing in my seat, waiting for a moment when I feel it’s safe to make a mad dash to the bathroom.  The only problem?  The second I get out of the car, I’m again fighting the bowels vs. butt cheeks battle.

There’s an unmistakable walk of someone who’s about to shit themselves.  It’s easy to spot.  The lower half of the body usually leads, the butt cheeks move in a different rhythm than a normal gait as they strain to contain, the legs are straighter, the stride shorter yet the pace quicker with the back arched slightly backward to give support to the battling butt cheeks.  As I go in the door, I’m beginning to unbuckle and unbutton so that there will be no delay when I reach the bathroom.  The ass muscles are burning from the strain and then it happens…that precious moment when I quickly and clumsily plop onto the toilet with unstained panties, victorious! (Go Butt Cheeks!  Go Butt Cheeks!) The next few seconds release is arguably better than any orgasm as shivers rush through my body and I surrender to the toilet giving it my love offering. (Ok, maybe that’s going a little too far)
This woman obviously knows what I'm talking about.  See the look of total satisfaction?
 As bad as that situation is, it’s even worse when I’m not alone.  I recently found myself in this shitty situation.  I’d gone to dinner with man friend, then stopped at a store to pick up needed supplies, aka tequila.  We were talking with a friend when unexpectedly and without warning my tummy started gurgling, abdomen started cramping and suddenly I was in full on battle of the butt cheeks mode.  I was able to get out of the store and into the truck (hopefully without drawing too much attention to myself with my “don’t shit on yourself” walk).  It was only a couple minutes to the house, but those couple of minutes felt like hours as I found myself wondering why in the hell man friend had cloth seats instead of leather, thinking how much more difficult those seats would be to clean, and how mortified I’d be if I had to.  I could feel the sweat about to bead as he pulled into the driveway and I sprung from the truck and did the butt clenched poo poo gallop into the house.  While on the toilet I realized that making it to the toilet and the moments that followed were better than average sex.  This got me thinking…is it as good for you as it is for me?  I mean, we might not talk about things like this, but surely I’m not the only one to ever fight the bowels vs. butt cheeks battle.  With all the assholes in the world, mine cannot be the only one to strain unbearably against the butt cheeks.  So I’ve done what anyone in my situation would do and started asking.  I mean, inquiring minds want to know (ok, maybe just mine).

I’ve now talked to man friend, girl friends and guy friends about this shitty topic and while everyone’s experiences are different, we all have them.  After a tequila induced conversation with my guy friend CH last night, I decided it was time to make the taboo topic of poo poo a public topic. 

So what’s your most memorable or embarrassing bowel vs. butt cheeks battle?  

btw CH...I kinda liked your title idea of TTC (Turd Touching Cotton), but talking shit just seemed so fitting.
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  1. You have read some of my blog posts correct? I am king shit, no pun intended, when it comes to shitting.

    I will absolutely agree that the second best feeling in the world is taking a nice healthy stink pickle. I know the exact feeling you are talking about when your brain is telling your ass cheeks to hold it in but your cheeks are screaming like Scotty from Star Trek, we can't do it captain, we just don't have the power!

    As I was reading this post, I was replaying several instances where I was caught in the exact situation you were describing.

    It's funny, on my blog the most popular posts are either of shitting or me having a bad day...go figure.

    1. OMG!!! I just got done reading your brain fart...literally blog and was laughing my ass off that we even both ended it with "literally". There must be wide spread intestinal unrest in the world this week! Way too funny.

  2. " and I surrender to the toilet giving it my love offering."
    Hahahaha! Bloody hilarious!!

    Being a person of a somewhat delicate nature, *ahem* I did gag a fair bit whilst reading this. It's not so much the subject matter, more the vivid description.

    My friend could never look at her own offering, especially after she had wiped. This meant that anyone who used the bathroom afterwards, was often met by a seat full of displaced and soiled toilet tissue...and now I think I'm going to go and retch up half a kidney at the memory...

    1. Lmao at making you gag! Go me! Hahahaha. When my sister had her first baby she couldn't change a diaper without fighting the urge to violently vomit. I used to find it hilarious to walk in and find her holding her infant daughter under a faucet, legs dangling while she gagged and wiped tears from her eyes.

  3. I call it "The Wave." That point when you know there's no avoiding it. It's not even going to be the kind of shit where you can snap the tip off and go on about your day until you have time to take a proper dump. Once the wave hits, there's no going back. The sweats, the percolating belly, the cramps, the clenching..all part of the wave!

    Loved your post!

    1. The wave describes that first hit, but then it graduates to the roller coaster as the muscles spasms begin and ends with the final rush and free fall.

  4. This is the 2nd time where I have commented on how much I appreciate a good shit story! Loved it! What has the world come to where even women are joining in on the realm of "shitty" subjects? lol

    You are not the only woman who speaks of such things! check out this link>

    I'm going to have to tweet this! So funny...and vivid!

    1. How can you not love a good shit story? I usually prefer it when it's someone elses though. As for the link, that was so freaking funny I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes. Thanks for sharing! btw...I love your artwork. Very creative.

  5. Replies
    1. Not sure if that's a complement or not, but I can say its the first time I've been called "Bro". I can totally see how the long blonde hair and boobs make it confusing though :-P