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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Blondie vs. Evil Armored Critter Scourge

Last night I found myself under attack!  I heard it before I saw it…a sound that instantly sent chills up my spine.  I sat in silence looking for the source of the sound and then it appeared.  Running across the laminate floor, like some horror movie critter in alien armor, running straight toward me was a giant roach.  When I say giant, I don’t mean large, I mean GINORMOUS!  Even in the dimly lit room, I could see the flesh of it’s legs, the spikes protruding from each one;  could hear the tap each leg made when it came into contact with the floor as it quickly scurried closer.  This was no normal roach.  This was the Hulk Hogan of roaches and he was headed right toward me!



It was looking at me with evil intent, it's antennas moving like cattle whips as it ran swiftly toward my seat.  I jumped to my feet (squealing like a scared little school girl), sprinted to my evil critter defense arsenal and quickly armed myself for battle (with a flip flop).  I was too late.  The evil critter ran under my reclining spot on the sectional sofa, and seemed safe from my attack.  In high alert, I remained armed, standing in the middle of the living room surveying the room and listening for the spine chilling scurrying sound.  I stood there silent and still for a couple minutes, then muted the television and listened more intently…silence.



Then, quietly and without warning the evil armored critter reappeared to my right and went running toward the other side of the living room, ducking under a free standing recliner.  Bwahahahaha!!!  You can’t hide from me under there scourge!  I flip the recliner over with a loud BAM and begin smacking frantically at the fleeing critter with my critter killing weapon, missing repeatedly. 
My Evil Armored Critter Scourge Killer.  Be afraid scourge...be very,
VERY afraid (or just be dead, that works for me).

Again he escapes running under a box of miscellaneous junk.  Totally engrossed at that moment by the ongoing battle of Blondie vs. Evil Armored Critter Scourge, I suddenly get snapped back to reality by my son wiping the sleep from his eyes with a look that could only be described as one of mixed concern (she’s finally lost it) and curiosity as he asks, “What are you doing, Mom?”



It’s me against the Hulk Hogan Roach and there could be only one survivor.  Then my son sees it as the roach darts out and I take chase firing attack after attack before finally smacking it into stillness half way across the floor.  VICTORY IS MINE!!!  Being the reigning champion, I assign my son the task of carcass disposal.  After a minute of resistance, he reluctantly goes to the bathroom coming back with a wad of toilet paper to pick it up with, but as he goes to grab the armored critter, it comes back to life and begins running for one last escape attempt sending my son jumping in the opposite direction; but it’s attempt was in vein and my final attack precise and fatal.  Yes, I AM the champion!

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12 comments:

  1. It sounds like some sort of epic battle in World of Warcraft.

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    1. Only WAY scarier Kevin. The damn thing was about big enough to eat a small child. I was worried for my son's safety as he slept on the couch oblivious that we were under attack by evil scourge!

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  2. "it's antennas moving like cattle whips." Sheer bloody poetry.

    Insects and children, there's always a battle being fought with one or the other.

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    1. If only you could have seen them! I could about feel the breeze from them as they swayed. Lily, I have an almost unhealthy dislike of cochroaches. I'd take the battle with kids any day.

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  3. YUCK! I am useless if I see one of those things, and down here in Florida they are all the size of the one you mutilated. And not only do I have to worry about the creepy crawly ones, but I also have to watch out for the ones with wings. I hate those sneaky disgusting bastards.

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    1. I'm in Georgia...these ones have wings too. Nothing worse than seeing a roach the size of a bat making a bee line toward you. Ewwww!

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  4. OMG, your tale was really and truly more horrifying to me than any Stephen King story. I hate roaches. HATE. There are no caps big enough to type the word "HATE" as gigantic as I want to type it!

    In the future, I have some absolutely golden advice for you. Trust me, you will sing my praises forever more for sharing my one word secret: Hairspray. Keep a small can handy at all times. It stops any flying or crawling thing DEAD in its tracks by gluing all their nasty parts together so they can't move. *muwhahaha*

    Granted, it does leave some stickiness behind, which doesn't make my neatnik husband very happy, but this is war! Plus it's not nearly as toxic as bug spray. :)

    --Susan

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    1. It really was more horrifying than any horror novel, Susan. As for the hairspray, I wouldn't mind a sticky residue left behind if it truely would stop a bug in it's tracks, but I'm afraid this one was so big that it would have just thought it was a day at the spa and quickened it's advance!

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  5. It came back to life? Are you sure it wasn't ... A ZOMBIE ROACH!!! Is this it? Should I start preparations for the zombie apocalypse?

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    1. If it isn't the zombie apocalypse, it's an alien invasion of some sorts cause there is no way something that hideous and disgusting can be from earth. I often wonder if these giant roaches aren't aliens living amoung us waiting for the perfect time to shift into their larger forms and take over the earth. I'm doing my part to stop the invasion one giant roach at a time!

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. My post got deleted. OK here goes again. As I was saying, you just made my scalp crawl all over again. This weekend we had those big spider thingys with cricket legs and ginormous roaches (w/wings) we had to keep killing. Our house is next to some woods so we are the first thing these creatures see when running form the heat and since you're in the south too, I'm assuming yall didn't have much of a winter either and its already almost 100 degrees. I'd be running for cool weather too. *shudders* Not gonna think about them anymore today TYVM.

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