Follow by Email

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Poop Smears to Buger Picking...The Joys of Parenthood

Along my parental journey I have learned that kids make us extremely aware of our shortcomings, and are always finding new ways to embarrass and gross us out. Lets face it, kids are often gross, and tend to reflect back at us the negative qualities of ourselves, bringing them to our attention where we might have otherwise remained blissfully ignorant.  I'm a parent and my kids are no exception.

 Learning To Talk:
My son was a big binky baby (binky=pacifier).  Everything he did, absent eating or drinking, that binky was in his mouth.  When he was about fourteen months old, he comes strolling in the kitchen wearing nothing but a diaper, dad’s hat, dad’s shoes; binky in his mouth, sippy cup in hand, looking absolutely adorable.  About half way through the kitchen, the oversized shoes trip him up a little causing him to drop his sippy cup to the floor.  Without missing a beat, he snatches the binky out of his mouth and with perfect enunciation exclaims, “SHIT!!” My first thought…No he didn’t just say what I thought he said.  My second…he said it in the appropriate context with an impressive emotional emphasis.  My third…I’m a failure as a parent.  It was at this moment I realized I would have to make some changes in my preferred exclamations.

Potty Training:
Oh, what parent doesn’t have fond moments of teaching our children to use the toilet so we can be spared the responsibility of changing dirty diapers and the costs of buying them.  Potty training is more than teaching them to control their functions and void in the toilet, but includes instruction in wiping correctly, flushing and washing their hands. One disgusting thing I have found to be common in the potty training stage are poop smears on the sides of cabinets, behind the toilet, or anywhere else within reach of their small hands when the wiping goes wrong.  Their small undeveloped minds don’t think to wipe it on another piece of toilet paper, or wash their hands…all they see is poop on their fingers which must be wiped off immediately and on anything within reach they can wipe them on.  Often during the poop smear stage, the parent is unaware that the child has “made poo poo” until there’s been some terribly embarrassing moment, like discovering the poop smears AFTER the small town mayor pops in for a visit and uses the bathroom.

Nose picking:

Every small child goes through a nose picking stage.  Nothing like being in a restaurant eating and looking over to find your child knuckles deep in a nostril.  I had a very effective tool during these times.  When the kids were little and began going through the tickle their brain, nose picking stage, I recalled a poem I’d known as a child. From the children’s poetry collection by Shel Silverstein in the book, Where the Sidewalk Ends, the poem, titled “Sharp Toothed Snail” reads:

Inside everybody's nose
There lives a sharp-toothed snail.
So if you stick your finger in,
He may bite off your nail.
Stick it farther up inside,
And he may bite your ring off.
Stick it all the way, and he
Might bite the whole darn thing off.

As small children, the idea that there was something with sharp teeth living in their nose capable of actually biting off their finger acted as a powerful and very effective deterrent to their continued nose picking.  It wasn’t always effective, however, when dealing with other children.  My nephew, for example, spent about a year trying to catch it.

A child in my charge once had a very serious stomach virus causing extreme puking and diarrhea.  After a couple days of this and a complete inability to even hold water down, fearing dehydration, I took her to the hospital for IV fluids and medications.  Just before being discharged, she was prescribed a suppository phenergan to help with the nausea.  The idea of some strange doctor seeing her butt, much less inserting something into it was more than she could bear, so we talk the doctor into giving it to me and I’d administer it when we arrived home.  True to our word, the medication was administered much to our mutual discomfort.  About half hour later, this child, completely void of anything left to puke, makes a run for the bathroom heaving.  A few minutes later she comes out, tears streaming down her face, and tells me, “Trish, I think I just puked that thing you put in my butt.”  It took everything in me not to burst out laughing as she was obviously in anguish over the though.  I explained that it didn’t work that way and that the nasty stuff she was puking was bile NOT the butt medication.

Constipation induced oversized turds:
I’m not really sure which is worse…finding an unreported clogged toiled, or an unflushed toilet a while after the duty has been done.  There is something about the digestive tract of a child that is capable of producing turds which look like they should have come from the butt of a sasquatch, not a small child.  One day I enter the bathroom and am immediately assaulted by the pungent aroma which filled the bathroom like a heavy fog.  I lift the lid to the toilet and jumped back, temporarily startled at the monster hiding beneath it.  I’m sure the child tried to flush it, but it was too big to flush and was sticking out of the water like some water beast ready to attack.  I found myself staring at it wondering how on earth such a large, odorous object could come out of the butt of a child so small. 

Each day brings opportunity for new adventures; and with children, every day IS an adventure.  One thing for sure, you never know what hidden treasure's you'll find along the way. My babies are getting older, so hopefully my days of discovering poop smears and crusty bugers between couch cushions or on the corners of their bed sheets are over, but what treasures will I find next. Lord help me.


  1. Found you thanks to "People I want to Punch." Looks like a great blog, I look forward to reading more.

  2. Awesome!!! Glad you liked it. I'll take a look at yours too!

  3. Having a three year old and a one year old, I'm right in the middle of all of this. Although we haven't quite reached the "poop smear" stage yet which I'm completely dreading. Mostly because my three year old tends to wipe his hands, a lot, on the towel I use to dry myself off in the mornings. *shudders*

    1. Yeah, but the towel would be too logical. None of mine ever wiped on something I could throw in a washer...only something I had to scrub and disinfect, and often was inconvenient to reach or get too.

  4. Hi Blondie.. I'm the one who told George to go wax his ass on "People I Want To Punch" You're welcome! Anyhoo, I have two kids and can totally relate. My 5 year old is right in the middle of the "constipation" phase. WTF? The other day she finally squeezed out something with the width and girth of a brown Coke can. Gawd.

    Great blog! Please check mine out when you have a momento. I just started so i only have 4-5. Enjoy!!

  5. Hey Blondie! Just came to say hi and read your blog! I love! I found you thru "People I Want To Punch" blog-- I'm the one who told George to go wax his ass... yeah you're welcome!! That fucktard..
    Anyhoo, I just started a blog and would love your feedback!!

    Thanks Honey!!


    1. Thank God I hadn't yet opened this soda, or I may have spit it out my nose...again. That still cracks me up! Thanks for checking out my blog. Fixing to give yours a look.

    2. Thank You, Blondie!! You rock! Let's form a posse and start kicking some perverted ass!!

    3. I'm right there with ya! Don't know that the world could handle two like minded smartasses teamed up. We'd strike fear into the hearts of many at first words! Would be awesome.

  6. Nose picking 'stage'? It's the thing I would miss most if my fingers were cut off.