The Peanut Butter Bandit...Trespass, Burglary & Murder.

WARNING:  This is a story of trespass, burglary and murder, complete with graphic photos and blood.  Not for the faint of heart.  Viewer discretion is advised.

Last Saturday night I was enjoying some me time, watching a movie in my living room with the lights out.  Alone in the house I noticed some movement in a corner.  I strained to see what it was in the dimly lit room but could make out only a dark spot on the carpet.  I rose slowly in an attempt to flip on a light, but the blobish figure scurried quickly behind a book shelf.  I'd at first thought it was a frog as it was too big to be a mouse or a bug, but as it darted away quickly I feared it was much worse...a rat...lurking in the shadows like a burglar ready to steal my food and vandalize my home.

Several weeks ago I wrote about the epic battle between myself and a roach so big that it could eat a rat as a snack.  I absolutely hate roaches but while I don't want a rat or mouse in my house chewing on my shit and defecating everywhere, I don't have the fear or anxiety over them that I do over roaches.  So unlike the roach invasion I wasn't up flipping over chairs and running around after it like a mad woman (this time).  Instead I made arrangements for traps to be set in the morning and went on with my movie watching.

A little while later that night I was sitting on the toilet (with the door open), doing some of my best thinking when what do I see?  The rat, perched on TOP of the bathroom door, just staring at me.

The view from my toilet.  You have to admit rats are much cuter than roaches.

Seeing the rat on the top of the door, I did what anyone in my situation would do...I tried reasoning with it.

Me:  Well hello little guy.  How did you get in here.

Rat: (staring intently as if thinking "so THAT'S where girls pee from!")...said nothing

Me:  You know you're trespassing on private property and I'm within my legal rights to kill you.  You really should come down here and let me take you outside so I don't have to.

Rat: (still staring at me with it's beady little eyes, playing with it's tail thinking "my, what tasty looking earlobes you have")...said nothing.

Me:  I'm gonna be getting some traps in the morning so I'd get out tonight while you still have a chance.

Rat: (Jumps off the door, runs into the hall and disappears)

Yes, I know normal people don't have toilet conversations with rodents, but this is me we're talking about.

The next day traps were set but the crafty little critter kept eating the peanut butter, avoiding tripping the traps and managed to run free around the house for the next few days.  Despite it repetitively eating the bait, the Peanut Butter Bandit was only seen once darting out startling Man-Friend and myself...until last night.

I was in the kitchen concocting a masterpiece (top ramen noodles) when I heard something in the hallway just outside the kitchen door.  As I peeked around the corner, there on the floor was Bandit.

The actual rat on my hallway floor.  Look at that tail!

Upon seeing me, Bandit made a desperate but unsuccessful attempt to scurry away.  It was moving using only his hind legs as if his front legs were broken, heading for the spare room.  I sprinted forward closing that door as well as the doors to the other two bedrooms, blocking it in the hallway.  Bandit stopped, laying flat on the floor staring at me with its beady little eyes as if saying "Fuck you and your leg breaking traps of peanut butter deliciousness!"  For a moment I stared at Bandit, almost feeling sorry for it.  Then I took the above picture saying, "Thought this was a free bed and breakfast did ya?"

I grabbed a hand towel and tried grabbing it by the tail to take it outside, which is when I realized that there was nothing wrong with its back.  It quickly came up at me causing me to squeal like a startled school girl before drooping and stomping it in thoughtless reflex.  There was a sort of crunching sound.  I stepped back and the tough little nuisance made one final attempt to move until blood started coming from it's mouth and nose making gurgling sounds, leaving blood bubbles on the floor.

Yeah, I know it's disgusting but you're not the one that had to clean it up!

DIE already, damn it!  I don't get the glue traps because I don't want to have to kill the animals myself, but I was left no choice with this beady eyed rodent.  I murdered it.  The Peanut Butter Bandit was laid to rest in a ziplocked dumpster grave and I was able to rest in peace knowing I wouldn't have to worry about it nibbling on my ears last night.

Related articles

• Blondie vs. Evil Armored Critter Scourge

  ---