While I tend to be a pretty easy
going person, there are a couple things that I absolutely hate and that turn me
into a grumpy bitch. In the top three of
that list are Mondays and mornings, but number one would be morning people. Folgers commercials really urk me, especially
today, since it’s both Monday AND morning, and their commercials are filled
with morning people. UUUUGGGGG!!
As I was on my way to work, I
found myself thinking of the Folgers commercial where everyone starts dancing
thinking, I dare someone to burst out in
spontaneous dance singing, “The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup.”
I’d steal their coffee, make them fall on their face, and jump on their backs
with my high heeled shoes. Damn morning people! Then realizing that it’s hard to trip someone
and steal their coffee while driving, I decided I’d just run them over yelling,
“There’s no Folgers in your cup now, mf’er! Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha” Ok, Maybe I’m a little diabolical in my
thinking, I thought briefly as I arrived at work. This is until, while looking
for the Folgers dancing commercial, I found this (Commercial doesn’t really
begin for about 12 seconds):
Oh my freaking gosh! My favorite part of the whole commercial is when the dog growls at the sinister yellow, morning person. I found myself hoping the dog would bite her. Since I know I am not alone in my morning bitchitis, if these creepers went on a morning Folgers campaign there would be loads of dead yellow people littering the world.
I could just imagine being the couple sleeping in bed when some random creeper decked in yellow with an overly chipper demeanor appears in my room, mere inches from my face, singing “Happy Morning!!! Happy Morning!!! Wake up you sleepy head, you can sleep when you are dead!” Oh hell no! I can sleep when YOU are dead. Meet my pistol. Officer I swear it was self defense. I woke up and he was in my bedroom serenading me. I thought he was a rapist or serial killer.
Or what about the sinister yellow dudes spying through the sky light on the guy taking a shower, then you see their hands coming down around him? Are you freaking kidding me!? Having that many hands around my naked body might be fun in some sort of kink session, but we’re talking about mornings here, and those hands are in serious danger of being severed from the bodies they’re attached to. I’d then use their severed limbs to beat the barrage of sinister yellow morning people milling around the roads harassing the morning grumps.
So to all you morning people out there…be kind to the morning grumps and keep your chipper morning attitudes to yourself. Remember that there are people out there, much like myself, who will hate you just for not hating mornings. These people, suffering from morning bitchitis, are capable of things you’d never think them capable of in their normally chipper selves. If you absolutely must burst out into spontaneous song or dance with your coffee…drink your coffee at home...with your blinds drawn, because you never know when we’ll be looking to mow some chipper person down with our cars or massage their back with our spiked heels, just for being chipper.
