Today my mother made the second two HUGE mistakes. One She left
her blog open with a nosy son, witch no one is scared to admit… Two, Last week
she went to something that she knew better than to do without me, and she
dropped me off with my no secret keeping dad. I will initiate something that is
best served cold, or on blogs…. REVENGE!!!! Hey mom get a load of this…………..
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That being said, here a small glimpse of what I put up with
as “The Superior’s” son.
Dear Diary
Today is a Wednesday and I was at school. The afternoon
announcements came on and they called my name and said I was a car rider. I
went up to the office and asked who was coming to pick me up. They said that it
was my father. When he picked me up I asked why I was coming to his house on
one of my mom’s days. He then told me that my mom had gone to a Luke Bryant
concert without me. REALLY!!!! Why would anyone want to leave me?!?!?! The
loving, young, nosey, comedic, most awesome person EVER!!!!!! THIS MEANS
WAR!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Diary
Today I noticed that the superior always loves to rub my
head gently and slowly. But I also noticed that she has two hands and has the
nerve to only pet me with one hand!!!! She knows that if she really loved me that
she would rub my head with both hands! I went to her and said to her “Really”?
Why must you torture me like this? The knowledge of only having half the love
is surely killing me. I will soon be dead…..
Dear Diary
I have been TOLD!!!!!!!! OMG!!! I know the superior is, well
you know, superior. But I didn’t know that she was capable of this! In her own
words she said this “Son you maybe taller than me but so help me I don’t care
how old you are, how tall you are, I don’t even care if your 7’5, I’ll get up
on a chair and kick your butt because I made you and I can destroy you just
that easily”! Needless to say she stole my breath. Talking about shuting a guy
up! WOW!!!!
Dear Diary
I have become constipated. After two days my superior took
me to the even smarter, older, wiser superior and evil villain…the doctor. As
we were in the waiting room, my mother was telling me that the doctor was going
to have to look at my butt. I told myself that he surely wouldn’t but five
minutes later the doctor was telling me that I was going to have to turn over
and for my mom to look away. Suddenly I felt two hands spreading my butt cheeks
and though my mom was turned around trying not to laugh, she was trying very
poorly. Suddenly I heard a slight squeaky noise as I was trying to squench my cheeks
but fortunately the doctor was old and was hard of hearing and right after my
leakage, he released my butt cheeks. Trying hard to hold my tongue….my head
was screaming at me to say to the doctor “How’s it smell back there now doc”?
Dear Diary
The other day, I was helping the superior clean the house. I
walked by her phone and saw she got a text from a guy and was seeming to enjoy
his time talking to her. I went to her and asked her who this man was, what his
intentions were, and how old he was. She said he was nearly two years younger than
herself. It was clear that she wanted to
make him her new boy toy by the look in her eyes. I suddenly started singing
cougar life in the city. She laughed so hard she nearly peed herself. Eventually
she tired of my spontaneous eruptions into song (maybe it was because it
happened in grocery stores, around friends and eventually with him). I later noticed that when the commercial for
cougar life came on, the look in her eyes made me fear that she may soon remove
my only source of inappropriate entertainment (other than the internet) in the
house. Maybe I took this a little too far… Cougar life in the city, UH.
Surely "The Superior" wouldn't be trying to refrain from laughing at you're expense?! To think, the doctor standing there helplessly whilst you shart during an anal exam, the HORROR INDEED!!! lol
ReplyDeleteIt is a beautiful city, with cougar life in it... :)
Hush my prey. Of course I was laughing at his expense, but as a world's greatest mother recipient I was trying very hard to refrain from laughing. That is until as we get to the counter he whispers in my ear, "Mom, I almost farted!" Then it was all done. I could contain it no more.
DeleteBeing the son of "the superior", does that mean that we should refer to you as "the inferior"?
ReplyDeleteEither way, you really need to make a Blog filled with stories about farting in the faces of doctors. The world needs to know.
I like it. I think you've just nicknamed the evil spawn of my uterus for my blogging purposes. But alas, stop the encouragement. I hear all the farting, pooping stories I can handle...in addition to all the farting and pooping I can handle, simply being his "Superior".
DeleteAwesome Marshall! Every exceptional Superior needs a Biographer and your Mom just loves you telling your homelife stories to lots of people! Why did you leave out the bra incident?
ReplyDeleteButt doctors are the worst. I had to go to one of those when I was a little kid and as the doctor was spreading my cheeks he was like, "Awww, you have a cute little butt." I remember even as an 8 year old thinking, "Yeah, asshole, that doesn't really make me feel any better about the situation."
ReplyDeleteYou should have farted. That would have patched the void you've been trying to fill all these years...and I'm not talking about your colon.
DeleteThis is pretty awesome. :) The boy has a future in the blog-o-sphere. or as a stand-up comedian. Nice job! :)
ReplyDeleteOh Michael, why must you curse me like this. I can see it now, the whole act would be on being the son of a neurotic single mother. I'd have no secrets (not that I have a whole lot after my own big mouth).
DeleteWho leaves their blog open for children to hijack? (insert blonde joke here)
ReplyDeleteI envy your son as he achieved something that has long been on my list...to fart in the face of a doctor. Lawyers are on that list too, and every politician in the country!
Hey Dan...you know that Avatar you made for me...you know, just a bit up the page on the right...that tongue is now stuck out at you! That aside, your desire to fart on every politician in the country has given me an ingenius idea! We shall form an army of disgruntled citizens and storm the capital after a week long diet of nothing but beens and boiled eggs and gas them all out of DC. It would be a governmental shutdown like no other. It would make the history books for sure!
DeleteWell I got a good start since I've been eating chili for the past couple days!
DeleteOh how I wish my son had farted in the face of his doctor. The guy so deserves it. Son of Blondie has a brilliant blogging future ahead of him and this reminds me to keep my blog closed when my meddling kids are around or I'll be in big trouble! haha
ReplyDeleteYes, my inferior might have gotten me once, but revenge shall be mine, sayeth "the superior". Little turd.
Delete