Laying in your front yard drinking beer can lead to alien anal probing...or at least it did last Sunday. It was a cloudless summers night and the neighborhood was sleeping (except the noisy ass crickets). Half tipsy, trying our best to be quiet and not disturb my neighbors (yet failing miserably in our attempt), my crazy girl friend and I scout out the spot with the best view of the night sky to watch a meteor shower. Having found the perfect spot, we drag lounge chairs into the front yard (trying not to spill our beers) and set up to witness natures show.
The mosquitoes were thicker than a 70's porn star bush (insert bad mental image here), so a bug repelling candle was placed between our two chairs (the campfire). There we laid in my overgrown lawn with our makeshift campfire drinking beer and giggling like school girls. Cars drove by and slowed as I imagine the drivers were thinking "what the hell are these two on and where can I get some?"
After about 1/2 hour, the only thing we were seeing were planes or "Blinking red flying stars". Boredom started kicking in so we did what anyone in our position would do...and posted to Facebook.
The conversation started off innocent enough, and though the Funny Penis Person seemed sure that the meteor shower was the night before, we were not detoured continuing our watch on the night sky. Still nothing. So the conversation continued.
Traffic is going by and the two of us laying in the dark in the yard, the only light coming from our campfire candle and our cell phones, laughing till our sides hurt as we start talking about UFOs and alien anal probing. Traffic slowed to a crawl as the drivers rubberneck to figure out what the hell we were doing. Then we switch our focus from extraterrestrial aliens to our local onion picking Mexican ones (we live in Vidalia, famous for one thing...onions). It was time to have a little fun with the Funny Penis Person and send him the gift of an alien anal prob.
We had given up all hope of seeing massive amounts of shooting stars to wish upon, but we'd laughed till our bellies burned. I'm not really sure if it happens in every yard or just my yard, but laying in the yard drinking beer can and did lead up to alien anal probing...for the Funny Penis Person. Unlike the "Cowboy from hell", the Funny Penis Person does have a sense of humor and despite our undesired gift to him, he is still talking to me...but I doubt he'll ask me for phone sex. I kinda wish he would though, cause I'd talk in a mexican accent and say things like "I insertar la sonda profunda en tu culo". This one time, I might make an exception and give him some phone sex, of the alien anal probing type...so Funny Penis Person...what are you waiting for? Pick up that phone and ask me what I'm wearing!
I SO totally wanna hang with you.
ReplyDeleteSeriously.
OH and regarding 70s porn bush? I read a story the other day that rocked my world. Shaving your privates is dangerous... I have to change my whole game plan now.
DeleteCould you imagine the two of us together in real life? That would be one hell of a blog there!
DeleteAs for the shaving being dangerous, well duh. I mean you are using a razor around sensitive parts. I wouldn't suggest getting drunk and attempting to use a straight razor dispite the double vision or nothing, but don't go growing a garden worthy of a weed wacker either!
You don't realize how jealous I am. There's nothing better than drinking in the FRONT yard. Thus, the inspiration of SSS Porch Party. It all started on the front porch.
ReplyDeleteFunny shit.
Good times. Did yours end in alien anal probing? I'm thinking of doing a survey to find if it happens in all yards or just mine.
DeleteNot sure, but I was shitting green the next day. That's not that unusual after drinking though.
DeleteI'd think it would be more unusual if you were not.
DeleteJust so yall know....absolutely no probing went on that night! Unless the alien stayed with the them in vidalia...lmao
ReplyDeletelmao...how were them onions?
DeleteYou tell me! Im sure the probing was much more interesting with yall! Mines a one way street! ;)
DeleteExactly whos fault was that!? ;)
DeleteLAWD, this was hilarious!!!!!! You are my kinda gal!!!! LOVE the 70's porn star bush image. Thank GAWD for laser hair removal!!!
ReplyDeleteCould you imagine being a guy and going to get laser hair removal, especially a micropenis man? Better hope the doc don't sneeze and remove more than the hair!
DeleteWhy does phone sex lose so much in the translation? Very funny post!
ReplyDeleteIt really does. Don't get me wrong Mama, if I was in an intimate relationship with someone I could talk a little smack, maybe do a little sexting, but if I've never even seen his pecker how am I supposed to say "Oh baby I can feel your rock hard penis pulsing inside me" if I don't even know if he's got a penis big enough to feel or it it even gets rock hard? Maybe it's just me.
DeleteSee this sounds like my kind of event, dang that's an unfortunate thing to miss, dranks and aliens..Awesome!
ReplyDeleteLMAO These are only things that would happen to bloggers ;) What's the point of something so interesting happening if that person don't share the story. hahaha
ReplyDeleteI think it's that these things happen to some that turns us into bloggers. Keeping it to myself seems like such a greedy thing to do!
DeleteI agree with Six...except throw me into the mix.
ReplyDeleteBoy, just imagine the kinds of conversations we'd have! I'd so live to organize a family camping trip with all of my favorite bloggers and our families. That would be a hoot. Imagine the campfire stories...though our munchkins might be scarred for life!
DeleteYou know, if I were in this country illegally, I'd offer myself up to be the 'alien' in the probing.
ReplyDeleteAlas... it's just not meant to be.
You could always pretend to be in this country illegally. Just come bearing potatoes in dirty pants speaking in an accent. Make it a fun one though, like Australian or Italian...and if you wanna seem well travelled bring us some avacados too. Wait...were you offering your probing to GF and I or Funny Penis Person?
DeleteEqual opportunity probing (although the probe may change for FPP.... maybe a plunger?)
DeleteIt's not a party until someone gets probed.
ReplyDeleteYour Spanish is a bit off, but it's better than mine. To get the wife in the mood, since she's Mexican, I always like to tell her that I'm going to give her "el sexo grande." Because who doesn't want a big sex?
I don't speak spanish...at all. That was just text typed into a translate. Ok, that's not 100% true, I do know the most important thing in spanish...how to order beer.
DeleteI thought the Spanish term for sex was "Bonko rumpo crumpet". Now I feel like an idiot.
DeleteSo that's what that guy was asking for! I thought he was just calling me bonko.
DeleteIf you were on drugs, you'd undoubtedly be seeing Mufasa... or so I've heard. *Clears throught* I wish I documented all the Facebook conversations I've had. I went back and forth with my firend about whether an unarmed astronaut could beat up a caveman. It lasted about 2 hours.
ReplyDeleteHilarious post, Blondie! Looking forward to more of these exchanges.
Chiz, if I was on drugs everyone reading my blog would NEED drugs. On a more important note, I'm really curious as to who won. Was it the unarmed astronaut or the caveman. I'm going with the caveman.
DeleteWell we the thread got deleted before we could finish because we interrupted some completely random argument between two people we don't really know to do this. But, my argument was that although the caveman would be more adept with the Greco-Roman style of combat, the astronaut has the capacity to reason and therefore make quick use out of projectiles and something something. I forget. That's why I wish I recorded it.
Delete